Getting Bit by a Snake
This is an advanced manoeuvouer but is suitably impressive, if executed correctly, to win over the steeliest of wool hearts aka vaginas.1 Remember: unsnakebitten men seldom make history!
Step One: Find a snake. If this is your first time it should be poisonous– a kind of trial by fire.2
Step One ‘A’: some good suggestions for mild-to-moderately poisonous snakes for first timers:
1. The Garden Rattler – Sounds sort of deadly, right? Well you’re only half correct. The Garden Rattler is the relatively harmless son3 of a Garden Snake father and a Rattlesnake mother.
Step One A 1. a: make very sure of the snake’s parentage, as the daughter of a Garden Snake mother and a Rattlesnake father, the incomparably deadly snakeSnake, is not to be trifled with. If at all confused by which snake you have caught, demand to see paperwork before letting the snake bite you– when dealing with snakes, as with used car salesmen or black presidents, it’s in your best, best, and most craziest interest (respectively) to demand everything on paper4 and in reverse triplicate.5 Better safe than sorry.
|Step One A 1. a (b-1)| Well, better sorry than dead, as the venom from the Garden Rattler does cause symptoms comparable to those of Fish Poisoning (hives, quickened heartbeat, flushness, general puffiness, temporary gills, some itching). Keeping this in mind, snakes born to a gay couple (female or male) should always be treated with suspicion, as it is impossible to know whether it is the mildly harmful Garden Rattler, the remarkably deadly snakeSnake, or the bewitching yet deceitful Tranaconda, the snake that may or may not have a penis, to your shocked chagrin or impossible delight, ir-respectively.6
|Step One A 2. z (i-15)|I hope you haven’t dropped the ‘Well bucket shard’ you picked up on the third screen, because that is actually a snake-to-english rosetta stone and without it you’re going to have to reload (or risk agonizing death
[SIDEBAR: About the Names of Snakes
Unlike humans, snakes take the last name of the mother and the first name of the father. In the case of single-named snakes, the split depends on whether or not the name may be easily broken into two parts. In our example, in which one parent is the compoundly named Rattlesnake, there is a clear break point: Rattle and snake. While with snakes such as the Asp, whose names are but a single syllable, the name counts as both the first and last name, which explains how this bizarrely named creature got its moniker: from the reproductive gesticulations7 of an “Asp” mother and “Asp” father comes the AspAsp, or the common Asp. For other more polysyllabic snakes, such as H’a’w’a’i’i’s State Vertebrate,8 the Kkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkkk, the naming process is a considerably more difficult task.
Accompanying Illustration of Punnet Square(s) of “Snake Parenthoodry & Genetics”]
2. The Tranaconda – that being said, the Tranaconda is a really good guy. Wait, girl? You guys like to be called girls, right? I probably shouldn’t say guys, huh? You gals are just as good as real girls in my book. I don’t want to date you. I mean, I’m not gay, I mean. I’m straight. I don’t. I’m straight.
3. The Black Francis – named after the singer and noted Los Angeles-enthusiast Frank Black, the Black Francis has a ferocious bite that is surprisingly docile, melodic, and is surprising dowdy for a leading extended snake-independent rock and roll metaphor.
4. The Maine Coon – known the world around for its long soft fur, the Maine Coon is not technically considered part of the snake family, instead being categorized in the genus ‘cat’. Irregardless,9 the bite of this adowable liwwle guwy ranks somewhere between pwecious and deadwy.
Step B, I mean, Two, I mean One B?: Capture your snake.
Preferably in some kind of wicker basket, pit, or turban hat in the vicinity of ethnic clarinet equivalent. Snakes love that shit.
Step Two I Think: Let it bite you.
As snakes are nature’s third most-inclined-towards-biting thing, after Sucker MCs and Novelty Chatter Teeth, getting your snake to bite you is merely a matter of letting it. In the rare occasion that your snake is unwilling to bite you feel free to try one of the following Snake Enraging Techniques. Or don’t. It’s your stupid life and I refuse to be the boss of it:
Tickle it – snakes are notoriously ticklish. So much so that their laughter makes the full transition from begging, to stern begging, shouting, and then punches (which, failing to have arms, snakes do with their teeth) faster than any other creature on Earth besides me. Seriously. Stay away from me with that shit. I’m not kidding around. Punch.
a. I told you I can’t stand being tickled. It’s not my fault. I told you.
b. Crying now. I told you.
Berate it – snakes are notoriously thin-skinned, especially when it comes to criticism. The more constructive the better, as your genuine desire to help both emphasizes the legitimacy of the snake’s failings and leaves the snake unable to frame you as the bad guy, making the snake’s vitriolic backlash seem unequivocally petty and childish. The snake hates this.
Fight it – snakes are notoriously pugilistic. Their culture prizes honor above all else. Bloodlines are incredibly important: an insult to a snake’s father, grandfather, or ancestors necessitates a violent response in order to preserve not only the family’s honor, but one’s own. Snakes practice a futuristic form of wergeld; all blood debts must be repaid in full. This practice is called Kaplah. If you try to fight a snake: it will fight you.
Bully it – clean outs, swirlies, wedgies, wet willies, twibs, titty twisters, tune ups, purple nurples, green nurples, nipple whipples, texas titty twisters, nipple ripples, tripple ripples, ginch pinches and the dreaded white nurple; wet wedgies, swillies, calling it a humiliating sex-related name loudly in public, spitballs, snot rockets, spitting in it’s hamburger, farting in it’s milk when it’s not looking (pantsless, so you get some spray) and then telling it the specks are cinnamon and nutmeg and everyone backs you up and tells the snake it’s really good and it tastes just like egg nog and then he drinks it and everybody laughs and you laugh because you think that it’s a friendly group laugh and– you know– in the spirit of the holiday season but then they keep on laughing and your mouth tastes funny and later you get hepatitis from Brad Wittelson’s stupid fart milk, god DAMMIT,10 and other mild acts of rape, assault or forced sodomy are all techniques that have been used successfully on snakes in the past.
Ask it – snakes are notoriously accommodating. Just ask one politely to bite you and chances are it will oblige. Thanks, snakes!
Step Three: In front of a Lady, though.
Or on YouTube. Ideally you should wink while you do it and also be attractive, likable.
1Watch out!– some vaginae will be made of steel, while others will have some kind of metal-based trap inside of them, just waiting.
2Well, poison, really.
3They’re all male.
4Snakes are notoriously meticulous record-keepers.
5Three originals merged together to make one extremely difficult-to-read copy.
6Depending on how much iridium they have eaten.
7Snakes procreate by completing a series of inane herky-jerky motions, not dissimilar to our own Nintendo Wii Machine.
8Narrowly beating out the myna bird (2nd), man (4th).
9Regardless of the amount of iridium you’ve ingested.
10And then next year they promise it’s actually egg nog and it does look and smell like egg nog but it doesn’t trust them and in order to get it to drink thee egg nog Brad drinks some and says its good so you I mean it drinks some and then Brad laughs at it because he came in the egg nog and you spit it out but then one of my other classmates points out that Brad just drank his own cum and Brad says that doesn’t make him gay and that, he means, you always get a little in your mouth when you jerk off anyways you know and then that was the end of Brad Wittelson’s reign of terror fuck that guy