Why I Can’t Attend Your Wedding

Why I Can’t Attend Your Wedding:
a series of excuses designed to avoid you going all “Alison” up in here, up in here.

– A ghost warned me not to.

– Allergic to Chicken Dance.

– Fear of cakes.

– Invoking white privilege.

– Faking Social Anxiety Disorder to score medical marijuana scrip; can’t risk blowing my cover.

– My cat died eight months from now.

– Bad astrology: mercury, in retrograde; house, gemini;  gull, ascending. Fear return of the Ripper.

– A ring killed my parents– The Ring! (And then scream, do Japanese eyes).

– I feel like I’m coming down with something cough. Yeah. I feel feverish, uh, and my stomach is all wavy cough and my bones hurt. I have shortness of breath when physicall active, as while climbing steps; fatigue; I’m pretty sure my limp nodes, liver and spleen are swollen and ;cough; and my skin is full of red pet-eck-ee-ay.

– Too lonely; will have died by then of said loneliness.

– That’s the week of…
American Idol Auditions– with Paula gone, I think I have a real shot this year.
DragonCon– I didn’t spend the last three months smelting just to eat sterno-cooked Prime Rib by trident and dirk.
that Blowjob Contest: The Movie comes out– finally, my first, real Hollywood-adjacent screen credit.

– Sorry, Jewish holiday. Fucking Jews!

– Boycotting imperialist cummerbund industry.

– Something noble sounding about gayness.

– Still in love with you. (Sort of a lot).

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