Know Your White Privileges

Know Your White Privileges:
We all know that White Privilege reserves the right for white people not to attend weddings. But were you aware of these other, less well-known incentives to full-body melanin deficiency? Now who’s having second thoughts about being Mauritian! (See bottom for answer)

  • Three (3) “Prima Nocta” cards, to play on whomever you want.

  • Three (3) “Prima Nosh-a” cards, bestowing upon you “first bite” rights for any dish in restaurant.

  • Three (3) “Prima Nazi” cards, by which you can invoke

    • Hitler,
    • A Concentration Camp Name,
    • Kristallnacht,
    • or The Slippery Slope (Straight Into The Ovens).
  • in defending your stupid point about abortion/the existence of cops/health care reform/capitalism.

  • Additional 20% sale merchandise at American Eagle.

  • Dibs on favorite flavor strip when splitting a box of Neapolitan ice cream.

  • President Pro Tem of appetizers– tie-breaking vote on which appz to get.

  • Free to just Look At Folks.

  • Innate sense of how to ‘corn’ meats.

  • Intuitive ability to differentiate parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.

  • When sober, immune to all loitering laws.

  • Understood that you can, are insider trading.

  • Can order Pizza Hut lunch buffet for dinner; can order McDonalds’ breakfast for lunch. Taco Bell’s 4th meal available 24/8.

  • Get extra eighth day (“Derek”) a week in which to love you, eat Taco Bell.

  • Right to declare shirts vs. skins, truth vs. dare, a mistrial, or comma “I do”.

  • Right to suspend Habeas Corpus, pants.

  • When you do it it’s not terrorism.

  • Can take up to 15 items in “12 Items or Less” line, as long as it’s not too noticeable.

  • Extra toss on ring toss, real bullets in target shoot; secret premium carnival prizes: Real COBY Walkman, Giant Plush Taxidermies, Full Cast Poster of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose; 3 More ‘Go’s.

  • White heart medicine does not contain gene for Super Diabetes.

  • Cut a deal with the sun re: flection.

  • Pre-called ‘Shotgun!’; under no circumstance has to sit ‘bitch’.

  • Anti-white slurs generally delicious (ex. cracker, turkey, whitebread, tunafish with watercress, ants on a log, pasta alfredo).

  • 15 second head start on all three-legged competitions.

  • New, improved metabolism converts excess water into booze, excess booze back into water: transforming the Caucasian into the perfect perpetual intoxication machine.

  • Jogging.

  • and, Less complicated relationship with boats fosters greater enjoyment of the ocean.


 Answer: The Dodo(‘s Ghost), but mostly out of  lingering resentment for the lack of adaptive pressure it received while ‘a living thing’.


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