Decision ’09: O’Connor v. Anderson

{A pleasant television voice} James F. O’Connor traded one ‘ok-paying’ job [40hrs/wk] for two ‘bad-paying’ jobs [40-80hrs/wk]. And 2>1.

James F. O’Connor– a Very Savvy Individual
{a sinister one} Chad Anderson has already earned, and has socked away in his 401k, the exact same amount James F. O’Connor will make ever in his career as a human being.
Chad Anderson– More of the Same “Save & Pay” Fiscal Solvency

 

{pleasant} James F. O’Connor has cut his sleep in half, reducing it to a 1/6 day’s activity, in a vain attempt to increase efficiency, productivity; his outstanding sleep debt has been securitized and sold to employers and friends in tiny microsecond chunks throughout the day.

James F. O’Connora Very Sleepy Individual
{sinister} Chad Anderson wastes almost 1/3 of his life in bed! Sleeping! His selfish hoarding of rest is depriving his employers of those toxic human resource assets they’ve heard so much about.
Chad AndersonMore of the Same Non-Somnolent, Hyper-Vigilant Wakefulness

 

{you see how} James F. O’Connor is spending $90/a month on the least health insurance money can buy, yet resists the urge to run into traffic to get his money’s worth.

James F. O’Connora Very Non-Fraudulent Individual
{this works} Chad Anderson’s medical expenses? FULLY COVERED. Just because he leveraged his college courseload into a degrees that is not a $160,000 benefit-less AMC Movie Watchers’ Card.
Chad AndersonMore of the Same Original Teeth, Correct Prescription Glasses

 

James F. O’Connor keeps his Randall Cunningham rookie card hermitically-sealed1 beneath two pounds of hard plastic, while his Social Security Card and birth certificate are slowly dissolving, crumpled up in the bottom of a disused suitcase So They Don’t Get Lost.

James F. O’Connora Very Cautious Individual
Chad Anderson has all of his vital documents, licenses, degrees, more than one degree, receipts, family pictures, and love letters sorted, filed, stored safely in a hurricane-proof vault and backed up on harddrive, cloud computer, and nanoman– a tiny, little person who remembers every mistake you’ve ever made.2 His many, many trophies and medals are humbly tucked into a slide-out glass-and-maple false wall panel. It’s easy to display if asked, but not ostentatious in the least when closed; beautifully designed and built by hand.
Chad AndersonMore of the Same Surprisingly Non-Tedious Supercompetence

 

James Francis O’Connor shares his light and surplus Vitamin D with the rest of the world by being so wan that he glows. Similarly Christlike, his heroic absorption of dangerous and cancer-causing UV rays has saved uncountable lives, and his acne scarred (and still-scarring) face-pelt cheers others by reminding them that they are not him.

JFO: Tanking the Sun, Homeliness
Chad “Aloysius” Anderson‘s smooth olive complexion and impeccable jawline, penis, and lips can’t legally be held responsible for the deaths of four marriages, three pedestrians, and one satellite surveillance drone. His bon mots equals sign mot juste; his anecdotes, antidotes to most childhood diseases.
Aloysius??More of the Same Robot Breaking Good Looks, Vaccinatory Stories

 

James F. O’Connor bought an acoustic guitar so that his electric organ, session mics and mixing board wouldn’t get lonely, could commiserate about dust and ill-fingered scales.

James F. O’ConnorA Compassionate Individual
Chad Anderson sings like an angel. Not the lame harp-playing, good-deed-needing, bell-ringing divine bureaucrat kind– I’m talking flaming sword shit. His rich, effortless baritone slips off ladies’ underpants after getting both express and written consent; cracks safes; seals hellmouths; and tames steeds.
Chad AndersonMore of the Same Making Church Exciting and Enjoyable

 

James F. O’Connor is doing his part for reducing the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, embryos by Keeping It To Himself. His bedside trash can contains enough genetic material to create a proverbial “Army of Me,”3 a figurative Polar Bear family (topiary style),4 and a literal Gross Homecoming Float That Might Get Him Arrested, Megan’s Lawed. And Yet He Maintains The Testicular Non-Proliferation Agreement He Agreed To When They Sealed His Juvenile Record!

James F. O’ConnorA Man of His Word, Sentence
Chad Anderson‘s wife has large natural breasts and is as smart as she is funny; her hips literally invite you to proliferate the species.5 She is in equal ratio every race, ethnicity and creed that has ever graced the earth. She is the culmination of our otherwise mediocre entirety made flesh, perfect. Perfect: the ur-mother; perfect, the meta-bride. She is the Candy Land of ladies.
Chad Anderson’s WifeMore of the Same One-of-a-Kind Nigh-Divinity

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, the case is clear: when you go to the booth this November, don’t vote for More of the Same. Elect James F. O’Connor for Chad Anderson’s Life.

 

Why Can’t I Have Those Nice Things That Are His

(Other Than The Reasons Listed Above)??

 

[Paid for by the Committee to Elect James F. O’Connor Chad Anderson 2009]

 

 

 

1As in “sealed by a hermit,” not “air-proof, moisture-tight, and value-preserving.”

2Like a child that way.

3Other Bjork proverbs:

“Possibly Maybe, probably not… EEEEEE-Lectric[r] ShOCCK!”

“Sta-ate of EEEEEEmer[rR]geNNCEEE(Y) / is [r]Wher[r]e I want to [rr]BeeE”

“The time she kicked the shit out of that lady who tried to take a picture of her kid (that was awesome)”

“ZING! B[RR]ANG! [r]BOOM! G[R]RLEE[r]REOOOOW[r]!”

4Get it? Figures…? Ehhh?

5What Women Want-style bathtub and hairdryer accident, but hotter.

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