I Thought I Was Being Romantic

I Thought I Was Being Romantic

Pathetic tales of misguided sincerity

I Told my boss she could adopt me and then everyone started joking around and laughing!”

– Barry, 49


I Called my teacher ‘mommy,’ now everyone is calling me ‘faggot’! And laughing!”

– Li’l Keith, 8


I Tried to caress my girlfriend’s face while gazing into her eyes; she laughed so hard I slipped out! Again!”

– Arnold, 23


I Bought her eight white roses to celebrate the eight months we’ve temped together. And when I watched the FedEx guy deliver them to her house, she and her husband laughed so hard I dropped my binoculars, almost fell out of the tree! (They broke on impact! Just like my heart!)!/.”

– Martin, 36


I Sent sheep to the slaughter, thinking that that must be love. I told her that I told her that I loved her because it was easier than saying goodbye; I told her that she was playing out of her depth, akin to a little girl trying on her older sibling’s wardrobe. And then I laughed at her!”

– Elvis, 261


I Wrote her poems: three hundred and seventy nine poems! One haiku each day, one major work each month, one year long epic in blank verse. And when I handed them to her– in calfskin, bound– on the occasion of our last day of High School, she laughed at me! Now she’ll know I was real! Threeee Huunnndred Aand Sevvventyyy Niiiiiiine! It was a leeap yearrrrrrrrrrrr! Rrrrrrrrr!rrrrrr! rr.”

– Brian, 17, leaping


I Baked a cake in the shape of her childhood photograph– the one where she didn’t know how to swim. It was a real cake, too– not one of those spun sugar sprayjobs that look like they’d dissolve in the rain. I baked a three-going-on-four dimensional cake in tribute to that one moment: solid, and real, and to quintuple scale. Each detail was re-created in minute perfection and even the air. I baked the air. I baked a perfect simulacrum of that tinge of chlorine and sunscreen and inflatable swimmies and spandex. I baked her father, off to the side, not-pictured; I baked the score of that days Yankees game. And Then Later, when I had finished baking, I remembered that I was trapped, and that however desperately I tried to eat my way out, I would be here forever, accompanied by the dim echo of splashes, and the unmistakable sound of a child’s  laughter!”

– Doug, Infinity/R.I.Cake


I Asked her to dance; she said no! Then she laughed and then I laughed! Now we are married, except she is dead.”

– Ed, 79


I Thought at you so hard every time we caught eyes, sat near, talked, or typed. Whenever we occupied the same (or similar) space a song would play in my head, back of the neck, heart, and bones, and– by thinking it hard enough at you– I thought I could somehow convey exactly, precisely what I couldn’t say!

It didn’t work!”
– A Sad and Stupid Crazy Person, 1,878





1“I Made a “Brilliant Mistake,” although, at the time, it was a fine idea; a woman on the news was really dumb!”

– Declan, 31

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