New Wake-Up Tips From Around The Globe, Pt. I

New Wake-Up Tips From AROUND THE GLOBE

Australian Breakfast – A burly-yet-affable bloke in a striped polo pours beer down your mouth and then punches you in the gut while shouting something half-incomprehensible yet strangely endearing.

Brazilian Nosetrim – If pulling out one nose hair can keep you alert for a minute or so, then denuding your entire nasal cavity by way of hot slathered wax has got to be good for an hour or two.

Colombian Pina Colada – Mix equal parts coffee and cocaine. Serve iced.

Dansk Danse – Secret Danish wakefulness dance involving hard pinching, shin kicks, and lots of wavy slaps.

Egyptian Rat Screw – Take 2-6 rats. Mix three (3) doses Viagra, one (1) half-dozen (6) oysters, two (2) fistfuls green M&Ms, two (2) vinyl 7”s (seven inches) of “Let’s Get It On,” and six (6) tabloid snapshots of Hollywood starlets flashing their clam while trying to exit a car to a car, in a carafe and blend until smooth. Feed to rats.

The subsequent orgy will be impossible to look away from.1

Fellatio – Sweet, sweet fellatio.

Guinean, The New – Make your mouth form the word “Papua” with great precision. Keep doing it. Keep doing it and keep doing it; let the sound lose its meaning. Eventually you will enter a trance state, neither awake nor asleep. Now you are ready to go to work.

Haitian Overcast – Bullets everywhere! Sh-i-i-i-i-i-i-it!

Israeli Eviction Notice – Upon waking move eight (8) steps away from your bed. Plug ears, protect faBULLDOZED!!!!

Japancakes – Make some pancakes and eat them. When you remember that syrup makes you loagy (sp?), cut open your stomach and pull out the pieces. When, due to blood loss, stomach goosh, your need for new nutrients trumps the pancakes’ somnolescent effects, re-eat the pieces. When the energy sink of chewing-and-then-swallowing becomes too much for you, just explode.

This is a metaphor for Atomic Energy.

Ken Ya – Sing “Hey Ya” as many times as you ‘ken’, as loud as you ‘ken’. If at all possible, be named Ken.

Laos Louse – Lice are very itchy; itchiness trumps tiredness in the command hierarchy of Body Ideas. Voila!

The Command Hierarchy of Body Ideas

Boners
Hurting
Hungriness
The Internet
Itchiness
Tiredness
Miserablosity
Happiness
Contentedness

Malt-a – Drink-a dis a-shake: it got-a da ‘sweet thickness’. Will stick-a to da sides of-a-da throat. Da con-a-stant state of-a mild as-a-phyxiation-o will-a drive a-da brain into-a panics, trig-a-ring-a da secretion of-a-de adrenalino. What?

Neverland Night Terror – Let that jerk Peter Pan boss you around like a jerk. Let him tell you where to fly and when to fly there; let him decide every jerk game to play; let him tell his stupid jerk stories, again and again. As infinite days pass into infinite years, nurture your resentment in the form of murderous revenge fantasies, as hate never sleeps. But do not waste the boy king just yet, for there is still much to be done.

 

 

1Downside: will only be useful for situations in which you must be awake but not necessarily be expected to be able to DO anything (concussion, security guard job, sex).

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