Indiewood Numbers

Indiewood Plot #1: Not quite attractive twenty-somethings meander through a barely-plotted procession of noments, ‘a day in the life, or six’. Sex is talked about and sex is had (off-screen). A relationship falls apart; a conversation lasts more than seven minutes. Something snide, something arch; histrionic conclusion. Popular culture: referenced. Self, reflexed.

 

Indiewood Plot # 87: He only bangs ladies with the initials XY, still hopelessly/mopefully pining for his first love, Xenia Yolgo. Her name is XZ– Xz Zyzyx,1 and oh how he wishes she would change it. But It Must Be Natural! So he convinces her to marry his best friend, Zachary Yew, through a series of meticulously constructed romantic moments, sex traps. It’s all going according to plan except: she insists on hyphenating!

 

Indiewood Plot #34: A widower2 and newly-single guardian of three kids (two real, one a baby), a misbehaving three-legged dog, and a father-in-law colourfully-touched by a degenerative mind disease, is about to be foreclosed on. Road Trip! The father-in-law had long spoken of a family plot of land and abandoned farm, fully-owned and unforecloseable, somewhere in Nebraska. Or was it Iowa. Nothing to lose, they go looking for the home that probably doesn’t exist, meeting-losing-having-missing-finding-and-question-mark a beautiful lady stranger along the away.

 

Indiewood Plot #26: Justifiably-hated undiagnosed autistic does something ridiculous, says something quotable, does something charming. Shot of writer-director doing Scrooge McDuck backstroke in T-shirt money.

 

Indiewood Plot #59: A camera functions, but unsteadily so. This causes the frame to shake uncontrollably.3 Inside of it a cop acts evil, or a drug dealer virtuous, or both. Colors are desaturated to obscure the fact that a flipped negative is still white and black (not gray).

 

Indiewood Plot #18: An amoral clatch of diversely-peronsalitied cretins commit candy-coated acts of deeply-eroticized violence as part of an ingenious scheme by which set-pieces– scattered in time and space– speed the flow of blood through the arteries and veins of armchair fascists, thus unblocking clots, blockages; thus preventing heart attacks, strokes, and other infarctions in the overbloated bodies of our most dedicated consumers; thus saving a fortune in medical bills (a fortune that will be spent on still more movies, munchies, masturbation aids, and maquettes). Health care: solved! Economy: saved!

 

Indiewood Plot #100: Attractive twenty-somethings march through a sleekly-plotted progression of moments, ‘all that’s fit to print’. Sex is talked about and sex is had. A relationship falls apart, comes back together; a conversation lasts more than one minute. Something clever, something clever; saccharine conclusion. Popular culture: referenced. Self, revered.

 

 

 

1Part Welsh, part alien.

2The use of the term “widower” to refer to a man who has lost a wife/spouse (have gay guys decided what the case is for this or is it too soon to, officially, tell?) stems from that long pre-modern stretch (Caveman Times to 1926 or so) during which most dead wives were usually (36%– a plurality) the result of murder by husband upon de-activation of the womb. Misandry or misogyny? You decide. [Note: take into account that, of the two, only misandry is considered “not a word” by spell-check].

3When will President Obama address the Cine Flu epidemic? (Where is the change that I believed in?).

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