Why It’s Not “Yo’ Daddy”

Let’s Just Stick To “Yo’ Momma,” Okay?


$  Yo’ Daddy hits so hard that all the kids in school call you Rawlings.

Daddys are sometimes physically abusive.

$  Yo’ Daddy so short that yo’ momma cheated on him with like 12 different guys!

Daddys are sometimes not enough man for yo’ momma.

$  Yo’ Daddy so dumb your decent-but-not-spectacular report card sends him into ‘a mood’; he offers to let your trimestral alter-ego, Mr. Big Shot, pay for spaghetti dinner.

Daddys are sometimes spiteful, and intellectually insecure.

$  Yo’ Daddy teeth so jacked that it is obvious that his daddy couldn’t provide full dental either.

Daddys are sometimes insufficiently employed, bad providers.

$  Yo’ Daddy so fat that when he sits around the house he is typically also drinking a lot and eating poorly.

Daddys are sometimes gluttonous depressives.

$  Yo’ Daddy so drunk you exist.

Daddys are sometimes themselves born of Unintended Consequences.

$  Yo’ Daddy so closeted the only gift you ever found hunting for Christmas presents was a box full of erotic correspondence between him and another man. With pictures!

Daddys are sometimes less than penilely honest with themselves, mommas.

$  Yo’ Daddy so poor he had to take out a loan to buy your family house but then he couldn’t pay back the loan and your family house was foreclosed on by the bank and he is about to lose your family house.

Sucks you gotta move, Bro.

$  Yo’ Daddy so fat his prima noshing rights, feudal dinners are starting to have a visible effect on you and your siblings’ diet.

Daddys are sometimes overly monarchical in their parenting approach.

$  Yo’ Daddy so fat when you grow up you wanna be a geneticist.

Daddys are sometimes motivational counter-examples.

$  Yo’ Daddy so racist that, even though he puts up a liberal front– votes Democrat, donates to the ACLU, expresses appropriate disgust with absolute bigots, Fox News– he was definitely not OK with yo’ sister dating that Puerto Rican guy. I mean, in Yo’ Daddy’s defense, the kid was as close to a gang-banger as you can get in an affluent east coast suburb, but I’m pretty sure Yo’ Daddy didn’t know that.

Daddys are sometimes the makers of regrettable decisions when they feel they are protecting their family, consciously or not.

$  Yo’ Daddy so fat that he molested a bunch of kids just so they could go to trial and he could finally get a description of what his dick looks like.

Daddys are sometimes poor/byzantine planners.

$  Yo’ Daddy smell so nasty I don’t think he’s showered once since Mom died.

Daddys are sometimes stinky widowers.

$  Yo’ Daddy so young he probably ain’t gonna stick around much longer; weekends tops.

Daddys are sometimes; sometimes not.

$  Yo’ Daddy so gifted his abandonment of you and yo’ mother– physically, emotionally, financially– can be completely forgiven– and will be if you (and yo’ mother) don’t want to be known as malcontented and pathetic attention whores by the public at large!

Daddys are sometimes recipients of gifts so beautiful that to share them with just two people would be criminal.

$  Yo’ Daddy so brazen all of Chinatown considers him a fire hazard.

Daddys are sometimes the subject of jokes too oblique to be racist.

$  Yo’ Daddy so Raven he serves as a constant reminder that you, too, can be replaced, supplanted.

Daddys are sometimes a much-needed upgrade over a previous, insufficiently cute model.

$  Yo’ Daddy so fat he puts the “fat” back in father.

When is a gut not a gut? When it is an etymological burden.
$  Yo’ Daddy so fat he puts the “her” back in father.
Dude’s got tits, crazy mangina.
$  Yo’ Daddy so fat he puts the ‘”ra heft” back in father.
Dude weighs as much as the fucking sun.
$  Yo’ Daddy “he fart”.

$  Yo’ Daddy such a bad provider that Clearwire looks up to HIM.

Jesus Christ that was a bad, lazy decision.

$  Yo’ Daddy so resourceful he found a way to punish you using only a kitchen sponge, spilt gatorade, and a poster of Michael Jordan.

Dampen sponge with gatorade, put in throat to minimize talkback/enduce panic breaths and thus concentration, place in front of poster until child learns not to miss free throws with game on the line.

$  Yo’ Daddy so effective you’ve never felt a moment’s joy in your entire life.

Daddys are sometimes perfect teachers, will train their sons to achieve the culmination of the masculine ideal (sociopathy).

$  Yo’ Daddy so racist that once he expressed skepticism about affirmative action with an undercurrent of resentment that it would now take longer for him, as a white man, to get promoted, and– as a direct result of that dinner table conversation– you turned into a skinhead fuck, and you killed a guy (super grossly, too), and while you were in prison your brother turned into a skinhead fuck, and later he gets killed, maybe because he killed a guy, or did something, I forget, but the point is it’s all your fault, which, in turn, is all your dad’s fault for saying something critical about public policy re: race.

Daddy’s are sometimes tritely sketched.

$  Yo’ Daddy so broke not even an x-ray could fix him!

Daddys are sometimes confused about what exactly an x-ray can and can’t do.

$  Yo’ Daddy so fat he’s a fucking embarrassment.

Daddys are sometimes best derided with just a well-placed cuss.



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