How We Are Keeping Ourselves From Falling Asleep At Work
Poking Self in the Eye
Failure – Keep half-shutting eye before finger gets inside it.
Pinches– Lots and Lots of Pinches
Failure – Sadness about fatty ulnas segues seamlessly into the ol’ Weep & Sleep.
Cold Water and Push-Ups
Double Failure – Shaming stares scuttle will, sense of self; curl into fetal ball and revert to embryonic glorp.
Place Staple Remover on the Junk and then Keep Sitting Up and Down On It
Qualified Failure – Passing out (from excruciating pain/exquisite bliss) technically different from falling asleep.
Grabbing Coffee Machine Carafe with Both Hands
Failure – Spilled coffee from dropped/thrown carafe seeps up through feet as hands are bandaged; inverse consumption leads to artificially dampened low.
Bitter, Bitter Tea
Failure – 12 tea bags to a cup = you hurl until you can’t stand up rhyme.
Dubious Success – The opposite of sheep, ghosts (when counted) evoke (in the counter) a lost opportunity, a mistake, an haunting refrain perhaps delivered by a loved one before dying (or by your attacker just before putting you in this condition), or some pleasantness you will never feel again, with crystal clear and absolute fidelity to the original occurrence. The moment is brief but its fingers touch every cold inch of your brain. You will never sleep again.
Draw– You go down the highway instead of across the street– premature death can’t be considered victory.
Eat the World’s Chewiest Sandwich
Failure – Peanut butter, plus chunky peanut butter, plus fresh honey, plus marshmallow spread, some glue, and the world’s last seven Now & Laters (Green Apple flavor) all between ten mushed together slices (per-side) of store bought white bread. Get all tuckered out just trying to cut it on the diagonal.
If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em
Success – Bosses see you sleeping and institute new, progressive nap policy. Liking your moxie, and your ability to lead and inspire, you are put in charge of new project re: judging blowjob contest– sweet! But Then All The Contestants Are Your Mom With The Head Of A Fossil Of An Ancient Bird/Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-and then you wake up dashing your ‘i’s. You were sleeping the whole time you stupid Failure!
Song a Sing, Sing (backwards)
Failure – “Hush of Kind a There’s” pick I did Why?*
Success – Let’s get this Contest BLOWING!/As always, insist your dream never started.