Leaning Out To Everyone That Hides

Are you lonely? Feeling unloved? Unattractive? Unsettleforable? Otherwise or Entirely inadequate? Do you think that the world would– at a minimum– not recognize your passing, if not be a better place for it? Did you say or do something stupid and then somebody called you on it, trapping you in a shame cycle from which you will likely never escape? Or are you just experiencing a temporary setback to which you seek a permanent solution? Then YOU might be interested in SUICIDE™.

SUICIDE™ – from the makers of HOMICIDE1

SUICIDE™ – It’s not just for the terminal and/or terminally unfuckable anymore.
SUICIDE™ – Impress your |friends|2 and neighbors with the amount of fluids (and smells) that are flung from your roof-flung body.
SUICIDE™ – Be the Envy of American War Prisoners everywhere!

SUICIDE™ – Choose from the following exciting methods of complete and utter self-negation:

Abattoir Slip ‘n’ Slide

Alcohol Poisoning
Anodize Your Blood
Antifreeze Daiquiri
Asphyxiation (Autoerotic)
Asphyxiation (Plastic Bag)
Asphyxiation (Resultant of Botched Hanging)
Asphyxiation (Whippet O.D.)
Bad Shellfish
Bag Full Of Scorpions
Baked Face
Bicycle Without Helmet, Brakes
Bifurcation
Binge Drink
Binge Eat (with Plugged Butthole)
Bivouac the 38th Parallel (Korean War ONLY)
Bite the Bullet
Bite the Knife. Hard.
Blasting Caps, Replace Dental Caps with
Blowjob Contest (as Contestant and Recipient)
Boil Self
Bone, Break Every Single
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning (Car + Garage)
Carbon Dioxide Poisoning (Hold Your Breath)
Carbolic Acidosis (Drink Beakers, Yellow Drums)
Chimp, Own a
AND MANY, MANY MORE

Including such classic favorites as Wrist Slits, Electrocution – bathtub, So Many Pills, Electrocution – golf club lightning rod, and the ill-advised Dehydration!

SUICIDE™ – The Forever Solution®

 

Testimonials

“I was so old I could no longer do the things I enjoyed because my increasingly feeble body and mind wouldn’t let me! And not just some of the things– every single one! All food had to be pulverized into a fine, beige paste and massaged down my throat lest I choke! The written word was like one clumped varicose of veins to my stupid, stupid eyes! Blowjobs? Could neither give nor receive! Continence I once had in spades, then it came and went in trowel-sized scrape-aways. Thank you, Suicide™!”          Alex, 91

 

“I cheated on my wife. She won the kids in custody hearings and then moved five states away. In their absence, the value-imbuing narrative from which I derived meaning broke down completely– to the point where I could no longer support nor sustain my continued existence. I guess four weeks a year just wasn’t enough! Thanks, Suicide™!”          Keith, 38

 

“My wrists were too tight and I was worried that my bloodsweat was corroding the ttritanium plating the government put on my bones to allow me to see the future and read minds. Suicide™ helped me air those veins out and now I can see the Future and the Present AND the Past all at the same time! It is vaguely violet with a hint of seafoam green! And tastes like densely-packed sand feels (underneath your beach-scraping fingernails)!”          Ingrid, 43

 

“I don’t know what happened. One day my brain just quit providing me with dopamine and, well, here I am… Where am I, exactly? Hello? I.”          Eric, 25

 

“5 x 8 = 40; 40 x 50 = 2000; 2000 x 15 = 30000; 30000 – (12 x 750) = 30000 – (1500 x 6) = 30000 – 9000 = 21000; 52 x 100 =5200; 12 x 150 = 1800; 5200 + 1800 = 7000; 21000 – 7000 = 14000 – (52 x ~70) = ~11360 – (365 x 3) = 10365; 10365 -1599 = 8766; 0”          Ade, 29

 

“Meh.”          Emily, 17

 

 

 

 

1Are you desperate? Angry? Feeling mistreated? Misanthropic? Misdiagnosed? Otherwise or Entirely grievously wronged? Do you think that the world would be a better place if YOU were in charge? If YOU could decide…

2Absolute value of “friends;” includes those you used to have, those you never had.

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