They Way Some Fishes Kiss – Coral Reef, Eel, Cuttlefish, Anglerfish

Fish Kisses, pt. 2

Coral Reef: Again we feature the teeth, as the reef is an aragonite structure in which calcified skeletal material aggregates and is by-wave shaped into pure orgasmic awesomeness.1

          As the reef is static, only one person will play the reef. The other will play either: one of our other sea creatures, applying their unique approach at osculation to the gaping, motionless jagged jaw/rim of the reef (a) or (b) play the role of the tide itself and rhythmically lap, over and back, across the reef’s teeth and mouth with their steady tongue.
          As the reef is best when splendiferous in neon and beautifully luminous, the person playing the reef should paint, or otherwise cover, their teeth in multiple colors of glow-in-the-dark something and stand, open-mouthed, in a relatively dark area.
          As the reef is going extinct because of global warming, recreate the tragedy by having the non-reef partner exhale extra hard2 into the mouth of the reef until the paint dries and flakes away leaving nothing but white yellowish clumps of bone.
          As the reef is going extinct because of overfishing, have the non-reef partner clean every bit of food from in between your teeth with his or her probing tongue and eat it. Or don’t. Because that is gross. Ew.

IMPORTANT: Do NOT give a blowjob as the reef– corals can be poisonous, and are always getting stuck in soft flesh in movies, terrifying stories your uncle tells, and UMMA PPVs.3 Do Not Put Your Dick In There– In A Coral Reef!


Eel: Cover your tongues in kabayaki sauce. Lay them upon a bed of rice, which is to be packed tight and not (yet) swallowed. Then, while kissing, take turns eating the delicious Tonguiri.4 Can only be done once– maybe twice– without the calculated abuse of hospital transplant boards.


Cuttlefish: Mostly hugging, groping. While engaged with your partner in a thorough5 embrace/snuggle/fleshcoating/spoon, use your two foremost denticulated suckers (or, in the absence of face tentacles, ringed lips accompanied by a stiff back-of-the-tongue will suffice) to cover almost every inch6 of exposed skin in splotchy suction cup kisses. Mounting is allowed as long as it is accompanied by full-figure groping of the body underneath with your remaining arms.


Anglerfish: Follow the following simple steps, fart:  

  1. Dangle lights in front of your faces like deep-sea mistletoe.

  2. Make the most terrifying faces you possibly can.

  3. Then make them Even More Terrifying.

  4. Aggressively jut out your teeth/lower jaw.

  5. Go at it!




1Like teeth!

2Harder than you would normally exhale into someone’s mouth (you are kissing).

3Underwater Mixed Martial Arts Pay-Per-Views.

4With luck, the rice will stanch your leftovers.

5At least 70%

6At least 70%


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