44. Round Up Stray Cats
You hear them at the least hours of the morning, partying in the [alleys/new growth shrubbery/molded pizza crusts and maggot-infested roaches] [below/outside/strewn on top of what was once] your window.1 They’re howling, they’re screaming, they’re using their terrifying barbed penii to, once and for all, tear down that wall to, finally, end the Cold War between Orgies and Knife Fights.2 They’re the cuddliest public nuisance since the kid who played the High School mascot went off his meds. So why not put your nocturnal heads together to hunt down these adorable little fuckers?
1. Track Them
ARROW> Treat them like hot shit (not cold diarrhea).
2. Trap Them
DOTo Cosplay that shit.
3. Snatch Them Up In Your “Purr”lap Sack
Your newly christened “Purr”lap Sack will now echolocate creepy cat dick with the best of them. That’s what purring does, BTW– it is like SONAR for BONARs.7
4. Make Them Quit It
Once snug inside the “Purr”lap Sack do as the proverb proscribes and “turn the hose on them,” those “crazy cats”/You cannot waterboard cats, only waterbag. Do not turn off until they reform, confess, or go “cat”atonic.
1Depending on whether you live in an [apartment/suburban housing development/flophouse] repsectively.
2With a deep Gorbachev-shaped indebt to ‘The “Lust” Guy from Se7en‘.
3A Purrlap Sack is a burlap sack you’ve “purr”loined so no one can track you back to your crimes by way of credit card receipts.
4If you touch a thing you touch it through and at all times; don’t ever have sex lest you become a pedophilic necrophile!
5Who do you think REALLY founded America? Check the dollar bill, bub– the slave-labored pyramid protected from disassembly ‘neath the watchful eye of Ra. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was a Secret Jew sent forwards in time to shit in the Egyptians’ punch. Revenge is a Drink best served Pooped Inside Of.
6They are like Predators that way.
7Born Of Nightmares Animals’ Rods