44. Round Up Stray Cats

44. Round Up Stray Cats

You hear them at the least hours of the morning, partying in the [alleys/new growth shrubbery/molded pizza crusts and maggot-infested roaches] [below/outside/strewn on top of what was once] your window.1 They’re howling, they’re screaming, they’re using their terrifying barbed penii to, once and for all, tear down that wall to, finally, end the Cold War between Orgies and Knife Fights.2 They’re the cuddliest public nuisance since the kid who played the High School mascot went off his meds. So why not put your nocturnal heads together to hunt down these adorable little fuckers?

          Now you don’t have to slit their throats, pluck their whiskers until they die of decrydration, or pull off their tails in your bare hands and beat them about the head with their own tails until they are “catatonic”– you don’t even need to turn them dead.. All you need to do– as a couple– is to 1. Track Them; 2. Trap Them; 3. Snatch Them Up Into Your Burlap Catnapping, or “Purrlap” Sack;3 4. Make Them Quit It.


1. Track Them

Does one of you have a superior sense of smell, radar hearing, night vision, can taste and detect dander in the air, infinite touch,4 or “Heart”? If so, why are you wasting your time dating instead of solving crime/how are you even single? Who doesn’t want to be touched on the fun part forever, smelled in complete and utter fullness of rank, or watch you talk to a gibbon? How hopelessly unlove-or-fuckable must you be? Jesus Christ.
          If not, just follow the ancient cat-tracking secrets of our cat-worshipping forefathers:5

ARROW> Treat them like hot shit (not cold diarrhea).

ARROW> Like always leave them a saucer of milk (with lumps), or a ball of scrapped papyrus stalks (that’s what Egyptians wore, right?), or just give them a quick handy.
ARROW> (And) For Cripe’s Sake– Wear Thick Gloves!
ARROW> Asp. Sideways-walking Pharaoh, Rod, Foreleg of an Ox. Bird-headed Deity; Asp.
ARROW> Are the cats fuckfighting somewhere in the area [LIKELY] just follow their horrible voices to the source.Thanks Thanatos, thanks Eros.
ARROW> Wait. Those are Greek.


2. Trap Them

Cats are wily. Given. As egyptian royalty, they were tutled at feet of the slowest, lamest, most poorly dressed, and– by liquefying hooks and sawdust– the dumbest of all Universal Monsters, The Mummy. And how did The Mummy catch it’s prey? A tedious combination of dawdling, incompetent victims, magical jewels, and old-fashioned wiles, probably, I guess. Meh.
          The point is, to catch a cat you must become one:6

DOTo Cosplay that shit.

DOTo Don’t forget to shave your butthole and walk as to always be flashing it around.
DOTo And the coup “do g”race, the inimitable beckon of the feline purrbox…


3. Snatch Them Up In Your “Purr”lap Sack

Construction Instructions

– Buy about 20 lbs. of potatoes in a burlap sack
– Eat all the potatoes for strength for the trial ahead
– Take a nap– you’re of no use to anybody starch drunk
– Wait– make that a “cat nap”
– “Purr”fect
– “Cat”’s It!
– Ha ha ($$$). No, just “kitten”– slice open four or five young cats and “purr”loin their laryncies and place in your sack

Your newly christened “Purr”lap Sack will now echolocate creepy cat dick with the best of them. That’s what purring does, BTW– it is like SONAR for BONARs.7


4. Make Them Quit It

Once snug inside the “Purr”lap Sack do as the proverb proscribes and “turn the hose on them,” those “crazy cats”/You cannot waterboard cats, only waterbag. Do not turn off until they reform, confess, or go “cat”atonic.

          Did I use that already? How about “Cat”aplectic?



1Depending on whether you live in an [apartment/suburban housing development/flophouse] repsectively.

2With a deep Gorbachev-shaped indebt to ‘The “Lust” Guy from Se7en‘.

3A Purrlap Sack is a burlap sack you’ve “purr”loined so no one can track you back to your crimes by way of credit card receipts.

4If you touch a thing you touch it through and at all times; don’t ever have sex lest you become a pedophilic necrophile!

5Who do you think REALLY founded America? Check the dollar bill, bub– the slave-labored pyramid protected from disassembly ‘neath the watchful eye of Ra. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was a Secret Jew sent forwards in time to shit in the Egyptians’ punch. Revenge is a Drink best served Pooped Inside Of.

6They are like Predators that way.

7Born Of Nightmares Animals’ Rods


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