They Way Some Fishes Kiss – Oyster, Dolphin, Seahorse, Ray, Manta Ray, Sea Cucumber

Oyster:  Known worldwide, maybe, as an aphrodisiac, the oyster is one of the most sensual kisses a date can give another date. Apricot. Any lonely single who can master this ancient erotic art is guaranteed not to be single for very long, and any lonely betrothed who takes it upon themselves to add this luxurious act to their bedroom repertoire in order to spice up their long dormant sex life will find they have a leg up on the competition when their discontent in their terrible relationship inevitably sends them into the arms of another.

          Like any highly prized skill, the oyster’s kiss is simple to learn, but requires dedication, an incredibly strong jaw, and durable teeth to master. First: fill your mouth with cum. Then, when you start to kiss, refuse to open your mouth– just lock it down tighter than <comedy option>! Confused, your date will try multiple face approaches, assuming you mean to meet their kiss but they’ve screwed up some how– do not meet it! They will then laugh about it, partly due to the awkwardness of the situation, partly in an attempt to trick you into opening your mouth– do not fall for it! In their frustration, and feeling justifiably insulted, they will then try to open your jaw with their hands [and force their way in]– cut their fingers with your long calcified chin and philtrum!/. The next part is where your dedication and long hours of practice pay off as, hurt both physically and emotionally, your date will try to pry open your mouth with a tool– a screwdriver (if you’re lucky), or a hammer (if you’re reading this at a hospital, desperately trying to figure out ‘what happened’ and ‘where are you’).
          If they manage to slip the screwdriver between your lips and, somehow, after removing years of accumulated plaque (the mouth’s first line of defense) and yard upon yard of gum tissue, find a way to fit their blood-stained tool between your clamped teeth– open up and show them what they’ve won! Spit the cum all over their face! It was your pearl!

Get it!?


Dolphin:  A dolphin is not a fish; it is a mammal. Do not kiss.


Seahorse:  The elegant aquatic equus, tender trans-man of the sea, to capture the majesty of the genus hippocampus is foremost a matter of shaping your body into an s-like hook, demuring down your head, extending your mouth as far as it can reach from your face and touching it to somebody else’s, preferably while emitting tiny bubbles (somehow).

          Later, if you have kids, the dad will have to carry them. A lot/in his arms– I’m not asking for the impossible here. A picture of an overcooked hot dog splitting apart in the microwave.1


Ray:  Ray drives a van in the back of which are strewn buckets and pieces of scaffolding and ladders. He paints houses. Does weather sealing. Cleans gutters. In this town he has done work for almost everyone and everyone knows who he is. A girl is molested. He has white paint in his van and spent rollers and stiff brushes stiff from paint. He has no family and lives in a garagetop apartment on the outskirts of town.2


Manta Ray:  Skin flaps. Skates and rays are best known for their body made out of skin flaps and their long pointed tail. Make your mouth wide– make your mouth as wide as you can while still maintaining a certain slackness, and while still being able to purse, somewhat, your lips. Apply these lips to a complimentary pair. Once pressed together– and this may be difficult– ripple your lips on and inside each others’. Ripple them like a ray’s body might while gliding undersea.

And then, out of nowhere, dart your tongue– sharp like a barb, or at least rolled as slim and pointed as possible– into their mouth. Into their gums or, inside their gums, into the side of their interior cheek.
          Glide, stiff and hunting, along the outside of the teeth. Look for an opening to leap from the water and strike/impale the uvula, ripping it from this world in the prime of its life, widowing its wife3 and orphaning its child.4 YOU MOTHER FUCKER, RAY!5


Sea Cucumber:  Hot cloaca on cloaca action!




1An entry on seahorses without a single reference to Junior— ten points to Hufflepuff!

2Of course it was a family member; of course the one incident, once public, sparked two past cases to resurface and then two more and he never escapes the taint of accusation.

3That string that goes from the base of the back of the bottom row of teeth to, presumably, where the tongue starts.

4An eight year old deposit of built up inter-molar tartar. Gross.

5I Will Cut Off Your Dick And Feed It To Your Ass! And Then To Your Face! (Your Face Ass!)!/.


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