Some Dogs I Knew (In My Life)

O! The Dogs I Know!

Biscuit – tan Boxer; can retrieve slippers with minimal slobber, birthstone: sapphire; devout Scientologist.

Captain My Captain – black Mastiff; too proud to beg, Alanis Morisette wrote a song about him, degenerate gambler; it was that one where she was naked, I think.

Mr. Hollister – Great Pyrenees, white; has not moved in six years, just waiting for something that never comes; owners massage throat to promote swallowing (pre-chewed meal).

Derek – cinnamon Chow; painfully well-hung, its fat member scrapes the ground behind it as it loafingly trots forward; invented the Swatch.

Kathmandu – grey Scottish Deerhound; belonged to Eric Seger, Bob’s brother, born on the day Boston Celtics draft pick Len Bias died of a cocaine-induced heart attack, racist against Italians; ironically, died of a cocaine overdose on the same day Boston Celtics star Reggie Lewis died of a heart attack that probably wasn’t caused by cocaine.

Tiffany – mostly white Whippet painted robin’s egg blue; blood type: extra thick, has to wear two sweaters, double-stuff dogpants to compensate for the low-body temperature resulting; functionally illiterate.

Bend It Like Beckham – yellow-y French Bulldog; will only eat carrots, is color blind, cannot actually play soccer; can be tricked into eating a turnip shaved to carrot shape.

Ping Pong – grey, black & white Keeshond; always has a snot bubble that it does not appropriately maintain (destroy), is learning how to make the tapioca orbs that go in bubble tea; also racist against Italians.1

One Term President William Howard Taft – an aging yellow Pointer; tried to kill me once by knocking me into the street as traffic whizzed by; could not be more dissimilar to namesake– low body-mass index, is a devout Catholic and staunch Libertarian, has never even BEEN to Ohio, and could not, for the life of her get into Skull & Bones; does, however, have abundant facial hair.

Chateaubriand – black Briard; tender, loinful, not as delicious as some would have you believe; owners are awfully litigious

 

BONUS DOG: Gandalf the Dog – white Afghan; “Temperament: Aloof and dignified, yet gay;” lol.

 

 

1Most dogs (62%) are.

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