Things that I’ve Said on The Internet

HOLIDAYS: Some Stupid Things that I’ve Said on the Internet Taken Out of Context and Then Replaced in Fake Chronological Order (July and August 2008 Edition) :BREAK

me: They were all Robot Stiff and there hands weren’t fumbling around spinning themselves like they had just reached second base for the first time
It was like they were made out of gyroscopes
10:02 AM Which in the best case scenario will cause your poops to come out like tight macaroni spirals
But it is rarely the best scenario
11:43 AM me: Do you ever pretend you are Faruzia Balk?
12:00 PM me: Don’t buy greek yogurt
Greeks love asses
That is why all their food tastes like asses
Someone_Else: i know! i wasn’t thinking about that
because i thought TJ would never carry as ass product
me: A Stuffed Grape Leaf is basically a Food Supository
3:11 PM me: Important News!
3:12 PM Diablo III was officially announced!
A Gif That Is A Siren Or A Series Of Sirens
3:58 PM me: Don’t forget about Pooping
Someone_Else: i wont
how could i forget?
it’s one of my favorite things
6:43 PM me: Is it all offers of toe-licking and McDonaldland Cosplay?
Someone_Else: i wish
6:46 PM me: Offers of McDonalds-licking and Toe Cosplay?
me: Dear Fresca,
6:50 PM I love your delicious Soda Beverage. But as a Creepy Weirdo, America’s third fastest growing demographic behind Emos and The Poor, I also LOVE touching underpants.
Please put me on Television and also give me fourteen thousand dolalrs.
Love, Jim
me: Some jerk off in Abu Dhabi can defend his Exploitopolis with Murderbots, and I can’t even fuck a Mechanical Cat without having to dick around with knives and watch gears and a series of suspicious kennels
me: I think the trick to running is mostly self-hate or at least an incredible emptiness
6:56 PM Take an hour or two ago, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack, so in a desperate attempt to outrun it I threw on my running clothes and ran 4 miles instead
7:25 PM me: I want to make a shitty independent comedy about a young twentysomething who learns how to interact with the world though adult learning French classes, and the delightful bdsm relationship they share with their teacher
It will be called Command Form
also: from listless malaise–>structured meaning
I’m not sure
Topher Grace left
before the last season
7:26 PM and then they replaced him with the character’s cousin I think?
7:35 PM me: You always see Hitler
You can’t not see that guy
7:41 PM me: ButtNoise Robot?
7:44 PM me: I would say so
It doesn’t stop talking
“Pfft blap ggguuurrrrpp, bfffffp”
All day
All night
7:55 PM me: Also, that if I had to do sex on Tila Tequila I would hit people too
I hesitate to call you a solid
With all your flip flops and spineless quavering
8:47 PM On the Issues
me: There ain’t nothing in Montana but snakes and chicken bakes
And you don’t got scale
8:54 PM me: I’ve got chicken feet
In my eyes
Both as a play on crow’s feet and as in literal chicken feet popping out my urethrea
I mean, irises
Someone: Jim
are you standing up to cancer
8:57 PM are you in your apartment?
me: I am sitting down to Crohn’s Disease
It is the least appetizing meal we’ve ever shared as a family
me: <Someone> your body is a bicycle
Always Keep The Pedals Turning
9:05 PM little played John Mayer Bside
9:21 PM me: A muffin that is a regular muffin (except it is FILLED with pubic hair)
Haha– secret trap, jerkwads
9:22 PM me: I mean, Julia isn’t exactly uplifting but it never makes me want to go shoot Erik Prince in the mouth
me: What book is that?
9:42 PM The Berenstein Bears and Their No Good Whore Of A Mother
9:45 PM me: All of my erotic fantasies about the Watermelon Vagina of a young post-Tadpole Kermit The Frog have finally come true– In Cake Form!!
10:44 PM Do you think that Dark Chocolate could murder Kevin Federline, domestically?
Or do you think Dark Chocolate would back off right when it realized what it had done
And then kill itself rather than face the brunt of the law?
10:53 PM me: My grandma and your grandmother would never be friends.
11:24 PM Notme: oh man. i thought i was over LOLcats…
me: But then one proposed to you
You can haz ring?
me: Shh
We’re uncomfortable, now


2 Responses to “Things that I’ve Said on The Internet”

  1. CreepayLiz Says:

    Pooping is one of my favorite things.

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