The Way Some Fishes Kiss, Part IV
Arctic Char: Make you mouth as cold as possible to best approximate the frigid clime in which this northernmost of freshwater fish thrives. Then kiss as blandly as possible. So bland that even if your kiss was fried you would still be inclined to smother it in tartar sauce, or vinegar, before kissing it.1
Horseshoe Crab: Best known for its long, pointed tail thing; its frequently shed shell; and its blood that turns blue upon exposure to oxygen,2 the Horseshoe Crab has a lot of rad things going for it. But what most people don’t know is that it is also a deceptive creature, filled to the long, pointed tail thing with secrets. They don’t know this because secrets, by their nature, are not well known.
Well now it can be told! You just have to keep it on the down low because, you know, they won’t be secrets otherwise and the resulting paradox could tear the fabric of space-things in Twain.3
- Did you not know that the Horseshoe Crab is not a crab at all? It is, instead, a kind of arthropod more closely related to ticks, spiders and scorpions than to the crab! It was just named that in order to avoid inventing/creating the Pennywise-prokking childhood phobias that the existence of Sea Ticks would cause.
- Did you not know that the Horseshoe Crab is one of the few animals that can regenerate lost limbs? It is but another example of the grace of God that the Horseshoe Crab was creationed docile and harmless; that its long, pointy taillike thing is both completely devoid of poison and not even used for stabbing; and that, unlike a real horseshoe, it is not made of iron– thus making it the TI-59 of the sea, instead of its T-2000.
- Did you not know that the blue blood of the Horseshoe Crab consists of one type of blood cell, called amebocytes, and that these amebocytes have a clotting factor called coagulogen that can isolate and sequester bacterial infection in the bloodstream, making it (somehow) even more unkillable than it already is?4
- And that, because of this, Astronauts in Space use their blood to test surfaces for bacterial contamination? Well, a substance made with enzymes from Horseshoe Crab blood, as they are no longer permitted to go to the space station with a full compliment (silo) of Horseshoe Crabs? Something about storage limitations and making weight, I think. That and the kitchen looking like a Zero-G Ekaterinburg. Oh, and unrelenting carcass stink. And the ravenous flocks of Spacegulls that it attracts. Politics, mostly.5
- But did you also not know that in spite of this the Horseshoe Crab is on the verge of becoming endangered, making them nature’s most stupid/worthless miracle, and prompting a million-dollar ad campaign to save them– both for purposes of research and confusion over their deliciousness?6 It’s truish!
- Everything is derived from facts at some point.
Anyways, in this kiss you kiss your date deeply and with appropriate tongue while giving them a handy. Slash fingery. It represents the long, pointed taillike thing, or something. Also you could, uh, I don’t know… put on airs or something. Because of the blue blood?
The point is: poontang.
[DIAGRAM: “Horseshoe Crabs: Nature’s Stupid/Worthless Miracle!”]
Lobster: While you are kissing grab your partner’s arms really hard in your claw-like hands. No, wait, fill your mouth with drawn butter and expel it with your kiss. If you are both Lobsters the other person can have red skin potatoes, I guess. Also: put rubber bands around your hands so that you can’t grab titty, fight back.
Alternate Scenario: while you are kissing, jump into a pot of boiling water and die. And be delicious.
Narwhal: Begin from birth. Throughout your youth develop, by way of neglect after abuse after painful misadventure after shameful memory, a rich and deep collection of complexes– enough to snuff out any lingering notion you can ever get past them. Over time fashion these slung arrows into a massive tusk. A psychic face-javelin set to impale anyone who comes remotely close to the puny, undergrown, stunted stump of a whale hiding behind it. Attempt to kiss– just try it– and you will hurt the one you love. You will pierce them with your prodigious protrudance of perturbances. Problems.
Or, if you are |lucky|7 enough to have fallen in love with a fellow Narwhal, you will skewer each other with each attempt; you will die trying.
Just Kidding! A Narwhal is a mammal, not a fish: Do Not Kiss!
1For a variant on this kiss that doesn’t require the imaginary ability to regulate mouth temperature, try the Tilapia, in which the tongue just, mostly, lays there. Lies there? Doesn’t do much.
2Because it has copper in place of iron.
3Mark Twain– noted traveler and documenter of the human condition– whose fictitious exploits with time and space travel (Star Trek: The Next Generation, The Adventures of Mark Twain, Universal Soldier II: The One With Goldberg In It) have made him the universe’s foremost pretend expert in Being Involved In Space-Time Travel For Some Reason.
4Jesus– these things make Randall Cunningham look like a fulfillment of promise. Reference. 000101101010000110110
6That it is ‘very’ instead of ‘the sound of vomiting’.
7The absolute value of fortunate.
Tags: "106 Cheap and Creative Dates (For The Upcoming Depression)", Absolute values, An excerpt from my soon-to-not-be-released book, Fishkisses, Multi-part?, The Horseshoe Crab: Nature's Stupid/Worthless Miracle