Multiple Choice

Multiple Choice – THINGS THAT PEOPLE WANTED ME TO WRITE ABOUT (WHEN ASKED)
 

Will you buy the new Droid cellphone?1

a) No. I have or want an iPhone/no comparable product will suffice.
b) No. I grow increasingly concerned with the extent to which Google’s record of my life is more complete than my memory’s own. (Six extents more!).
c) No. I am, myself, an android and find this phone superfluous/offensive.
d) No. It is less the obvious inferiority of the product to which myself and my kind are being implicitly compared, but the general idea of commodifying what is a de facto ethnicity. It is bleep bloop icky.

 

What Won’t Sufjan Stevens Bed With Strings?2

a) A song/album that would be much improved without them?
b) A picture of himself in a well-fitting t-shirt and key-lit the way Christ presumably was?
c) A Dakota?
d) A every single lady between the ages of 19 and 27 whose cigarette provides perpendicular relief to their bangs and frames and p-coat hem?

 

How did Bob Dylan write the songs that he wrote?3

a) How did Woody Guthrie write the songs that he wrote?
b) He dropped the Bible, some Golden Books, and Howl in a blender and sang the first 80 or so things to slip out; strum to accompany, record for 8-12 minutes on (a) high?
c) Who cares?
d) Confidence is at least as important as talent.

 

Why are they opening a second Wild Ginger on the East Side?4

a) Because the first Wild Ginger is lame and overrated but maybe so is the East Side.
b) Money. The restaurateurs who run Wild Ginger want money, and by opening another location they can make more of it.
c) They are Thai Evangelists who are Evangelical about Thailandic culture and its constituent cuisine. Their restaurant is technically Thai soil: DO NOT INSULT THE KING IN THEIR PRESENCE!/LESE-MAJESTE MOTHERFUCKS!
d) To hide the Secret Rich People Tunnel that they are building between Benaroya and the Bravern.

 

Sadness.5

a) What is a sea monster who is prone to winter doldroms?
b) What is an anagram for Sass Den?
c) What is the emotions experienced when not in a state of well-being; the quality of excessive mournfulness and uncheerfulness; the state of being sad?
d) What is that feeling you get when you kiss someone for the first time?

 

[A] courtroom. [W]here you are the judge and the defendant. [A]nd someone else is your lawyer. [A]nd they have to convince the judge that your life is worthwhile. [A] closing statement.?6

a) Case, Closed!
b) Ipso, Fatso!
c) Habeas, Corpus!
d) Ecce, Homo!
e) And, as you are both yourself and my client, if you decide against my client– you will be deciding against yourself— which would be against your natural instincts towards self-preservation, and therefore stupid, Your Honor!
f) Carthago, Delenda Est!

 

What about Circumcision?7

a) It’s a Judeo-American rite of passage that is crucial in making your dick look less gross.
b) It’s a form of child abuse and if my dick has to look gross so should my son’s. Also: Weird Christianist Fervor.
c) It’s a terrific way to make sure ladies don’t like life that much.
d) It’s a surefire method of cutting your smegma harvest in half YOU IDIOT!

 

1No; No (will come in handy when we all go Mnemonic); Not yet; Yes.

2No (Bedded); No (Bedded); Probably (Not Bedded); Eventually? (The Wording Of The Question Doesn’t Mesh Well With That Of This Answer-Question).

3Yes; Yes; Yes in that chronological order; Yes (a meta-lesson that is true about most art and artists).

4Yes; Yes; Finger Touching Nose Tip; It’s Pneumatic!

5No– that’s Craig N., the Alcoholikraken; No– that’s Ass’s End (two separate words, shouldn’t share letters); No– that’s Depression, Being a Miserable Sonofabitch, and Missouri (mispronounced to sound more like “misery”) respectively; and Unfortunately, Yes.

6Yes; Yes; Yes; Yes; You Risk Destroying Your Client In A Matter-Anti-Matter-style Epiphany of Mutual Annihilation; Seriously, Fuck Carthage.

7Yes; See: the first 30 entries on Urban Dictionary; An Unsheathed Dicktip Still Functions Properly, Moral Equivalence Police; I Had a Crazy Good Price From My Smegma Guy! GOD!

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