Contest Entry

You should give the tickets to me because I am easily The Goats’s biggest fan as evidenced by this list I made up:

 

– I always open my bags of cereal, oatmeal canisters, milk cartons, and turkeys-to-stuff with two hands.

– Instead of hyper tension I have dis tension.

– My favorite letter was capital O well before both the ascendancy of Barack Hussein Obama and That Ridiculously, If Confusingly, Hot Older Lady From The Overstock.com Ads

– My favorite facial expression is “the Gape”.

– My favorite Hanna Barbara character is Grape Ape (it sounds similar to gape?)

– My favorite episode of Freaks & Geeks is “The Garage Door”

– My favorite epic poem is The Iliad.

– Every time I go to Blockbuster I always end up renting Dead Alive.

– I refuse to ride in orange convertibles.

– My geographically inexplicable favorite team is the New England Patriots, a love which is explic’d by their unparalleled execution of the Spread offense.

– My home page is still Stile Project.

– I’m pen pages with Matt Miller.

– Rhonda Clarke has a Lifetime Restraining Order against me for the threatening message board posts and mean-spirited YTMNDs I wrote about her. I am not allowed to come within 1000 feet of her home, 500 feet of her childrens’ school, or manipulate or post her image in any viral fashion.

– Every January 14th— after pouring one out for Louie Carroll/Ray Kroc [you choose]– I set up a mirror in front of my mirror and find my inner light.

– I have a tattoo around my navel. It is of hands.

– I haven’t felt a poop since 2001.

 

PLEASE GIVE ME THE TICKETS,

Thank you.

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