I Love Bobbie Gentry But…

Oh Her God this is the creepiest performance of a thing:


1. Pelvis Emphatico Crimson Jumpsuit

No, it’s not the new Gainax release, but rather a Dystopian Onesie that puts the “pudenda” back in “please pud an enda form fitting clothes that primarily form fit the crotch (it is creepy, and gross).” Matched |perfectly| with an Exploded Cravat and Monkey Coat to complete the Late 60s Version Of A 23rd Century Alien Planet (Who, Through Some Trick Of Wormhole/Spacefate/Cosplay Ex Machina, Based Their Entire Civilization On Some Stray Other-Cultural Ephemera)’s Version Of Earth’s 17th Century “Space Harlot” ensemble.


2. Cowardly Lion Hair and Makeup

Bobbie must have had an absolutely lahrrifying run-in with hair and makeup to up with this impocerossible do. Hiburtious![1]


3. Paved face

Speaking of makeup– paved face. Paved Face! Dead Noh-Eyes! Flat Affect! Presaging Adam Ant By At Least 10 Years With Her Red/White Demi-Head!


4. Callously Filmed In Front of the Fresh Wreckage of a Twister/Cheek-Cracked Hurricanoe/Nude Descending Staircase

That was somebody’s home, Robert! (Shame!)!/.


5. An argument for pre-recorded backing/fronting tracks

Bobbie Gentry On Record has a deep, rich, Dana Whitaker-level smoky ‘if Dusty Springfield wasn’t (probably) dumb’ voice; Bobbie Gentry On Video seems to have forgotten her own song, that she’s on tv, what mouths are, and how much lithium to eat.


6. Choreography

Reports show a 90% chance of incredibly localized hip flays, leg dips, waist-paces, and vertical vaginal flexing aka Kegel Stands. The passing front is expected to be awkward, uncertain, and shockingly similar to the way I dance as a Temporary Cripple. Bonus!– it will make you believe she were that poor girl (vamping lamely in a vain attempt to not be forced into prostitution).

Also: literal re-enactments of snatches of the song solely using her arms, and strange intermittent attempts at handdancing. (On the plus side, this appearance sets into motion a series of events that will, one day, culminate in the invention of Elaine Benes).[2]


7. Faaanncyyyyy!





[1]Dr. Hiburtlahracroftsidneymartbreaksparkkillkillkillkilldiefalloverfailend

[2]I take it back– the best way to describe her hair and make-up would be “Big Wall of Hair, Face like a Frying Pan”


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