Abacus Abacab, M-P

Abacus H.J. Abacab, the Alphabetical Comedian


What’s the deal with Marshmallows? More like Monopolymallows. Forget Bill Gates, bring me the sweet, extruded pith of Alex Doumakes! Doumakes like a tree And Show Me The Money!(!(?)).


What’s the deal with Meridians? Who put them in charge of deciding the days? Was it you?


What’s the deal with Mohawks— I mean, People of the Flint – what are they, Spark lighters?

What are they Acetylene torches?

They’re arc welders, right?

When the Six Nations would go as the Village People for Hallowe’en they’d be the Construction Worker. [Bigger question: Who had to be the cowboy? Biggest Question: And who got to be the Indian?].

People of the Flint— I’m more of a ‘Snake Eyes’ fan myself– or ‘Road Block’, now there’s a Joe you can build a longhouse around.

No, you guys are great. The pragmatism to Christianize and ally with the whites, and the tactical brilliance to choose the Dutch, the Brits, and the French.

Hey, what’s the matter? Calico cloth come late? Ooh… Fresh wounds. Fresh 215 year old wounds.

She knows what I’m talking about. {wink} I got some hard steel– how ’bout we start a fire sometime?


No? Fair enough.


What’s the deal with Mortuaries? Sounds like a pretty scary place to me!


What’s the deal with Moustaches? It’s either clean shave or kempt bush– quit fucking around, Ladies! Feels like I’m kissing Hitler.


What’s the deal with Neither? I mean, it’s one or the other, guy– choose already!


What’s the deal with Neptune? A whole planet built out of cold cow farts? We ditched Pluto and kept this? Feh.

Oh!: No wonder you could be discovered using only math– P+U {snap}


What’s the deal with Neptune? Who does he think he is? Schroedinger’s Political Prisoner? What’s he doing stayiing in Haiti? You think if the cat had the chance it wouldn’t bat away the radioactive substance/ claw the geiger counter to bits? What are you doing, Yvon?


What’s the deal with Neptune? Ditch the man who helped bring down your two worst crooks for the sleaziest sleaze who ever sluz? I’m glad your town got canceled.


What’s the deal with, uh… Noodles? I like ’em. How about you?1


What’s the deal with Obfuscation? It’s like, hey! I’m trying to fuscate here– quit obbin’ it up for me!



Octopus: What’s the deal with Octopuses? Shoot ink into my face and then scuttle away? Really? More like Octopussies. More like Scroctopus. Octopus.


What’s the deal with Oregon? You really think you’re gonna trick the USS Massachusetts into engaging your batteries? Really? C’mon. COME ON!


Nah. You’re ok, Oregon. Hey– Good job protecting Pass Christian… NOT!


What’s the deal with Paleontology? I’ll show you some bones if you want. Don’t need a ‘backhoe’ or a ‘team of grad students’. Just grab a spade and meet me in the woods.


What’s the deal with Placenta? Don’t shit where you eat– am I right? Am I? I am.


What’s the deal with Pomegranates? Seeds? SEEDS!? What do you think I am, a bird?

Am I?






1My favorite is the nabeyaki udon, as it is the closest thing to “Peanut butter, an egg, dice isn’t that a sponge in there? Yeah” I’ve ever eaten.


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