Better Than Jerry Pallotta

Some Animal Facts (in Alphabetical Order)


Aardvarks have no close relations due to their schizoid personality. They have an order all to themselves and that is how they like it.



Armadillo “Hoover Hogs” weren’t the only animals eaten out of desperation during the depression– there were also “Roosevelt Remoulades” (Cockroaches with Ketchup), “Churchhill Chimichangas” (Badger Face), and Hitler Berries (Rats Poops).



Bats are of the order Chiroptera, from the Latin “chirop,” meaning sandal, and “tera,” for cat. Sandal Cat.


Alt. Bats are of the order Chiroptera,from the Latin “chiro,” meaning cinnamon, and “ptera,” for dactyl. Sticky Fingers.


Also Alt. Bats— fuck ’em.



# Best way to stick it to a Chimp? Thumbwrestling. It is so insecure about its puny thumbs it will shatter your hand like glass.



# Have Some Respect– re: Donkeys: 1. use their Christian names, Jonathan and Jennifer; Mr. & Ms. Ass if you’re nasty, formal.


2. if granted audience with donkey royalty, always use the honorific: Your Donkeyship, Your Anus, or Your Hiney are preferred.


3. “Sir/Madam Butthole” is acceptable when conducting states’ business.


4. staunch anti-miscegenists, never mention any of the following while in court: mules, hinges, zeebrasses, zonkeys, dowse, conkeys, cronks, dabs, domain beings, hunks, Antonio Sabato Jr., underpants, dances, skonks, dittens, conkeys (II), or dodecahedronks.



# Is the Echidna‘s cloaca the final step to humano-mammal trans-portal technology? No– but it does taste like fried cake.



# Boeing (BA) expects a big jump in share prices once they clear the last of the Ferret pensions from their books in 2013.



# Dendrobates (poison dart Frogs) practice aposematism, in which outward beauty portends deadly poison. This differs from the practice of afrosemitism, in which outward beauty portends Lenny Kravitz.



# 1688 – Francesco Redi shocks the world when he proves that it’s not meat that spawns Flies, but flies that spawn meat.



Gibbons‘ syntax judged by zoolinguists to be “more than half, but less than fully illuminating”.



# A Giraffe heart is 6 feet off the ground, allowing a tribe’s tallest man to give them headbutt CPR. Thus was born the Corporal.



Geese grief is similar to our own: they attend the fallen, wail, pump that shit full of juice, box it, bury it, and split its stuff.



Hyena poop is bone white as a result of their ghost-rich diet; human singing was invented to ward off these defecated specters.



# The Iguana‘s dewlap, or jutesuit, is an unlockable costume you can earn if you “grab the rebound” ten times in a row.



# The Jackalope— neither a playing card, nor a cantaloupe lame.



# The Kangaroo‘s three vaginas are or sex, birth, and secrets (in that order).



Koala means “No water”– a reference to how crucial the marsupials’ patronage was in germinating the masked art.



Leeches‘ 34 brains are a tribute to their twin loves: Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon and strange porn.



The Admiral had been thoroughly outplayed on the court– embarrassed in his own arena two nights in a row. He thought things couldn’t get any worse. Then he entered the wrong locker room…” And so on.


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