More Animal Facts


% Mice‘ first alcoholic drink? Mint julep; it’s why they despise peppermint to this day, only decorate their christmas trees with rainbow canes.

% Alt. Why do Mice hate peppermint? Candy canes remind them of their father and his (fucking) horrifying death: Santa Clausing down a chimney, his arms loaded with presents.*

% There are 602,214,141,070,409,084,099,072 Moles per burrow; never go below ground.

% Naked Mole Rats have become endangered ever since ‘digging gangs’ were found prosecutable under RICO statutes.

% (Diggers long have embezzled union dues; 85% of Volcanoers indentured slaves)

% Octopuses can squeeze their entire body inside a soda can. An impressive act of contortion outshone only by the rapid development of the cephalopod soft drink industry.

% Thus explaining their nickname, The South Koreans of the Sea.

% Pearl Oysters do not appreciate how we have besmirched their necklaces, wish we would stop knackering ourselves nacreing all over each others’ faces.

% Though intelligent, Pigs aren’t smart enough to not be delicious.

% So fuck ’em.

% To account for their incredible reflexes/eponymous linguistic deficiencies, all Pigeon cinema is shot in 75 fps comma dubbed into adorably incompetent English.

% Quail do not actually wear their underwear outside their pants; the belt on the head thing is a half-truth.

% (It’s a cincher– the gamebird has yet to master the awl).

% The Quoll, one of Oceania’s many hilariously poorly adapted animals/barely-living jokes, is actually the past tense of the quail.

% When a quail dies, its body– its animus– (all quails are women) is mailed to Australia.

% Upon touching the down under’s magic soil, it resurrects in the form of a cat so dumb the male will kill or eat the female during sex.

% Idiots!

% Speaking of Australians, the Rabbit was intelligently designed as some of Tralfamadorian fuck you to the former prison colony and its ungainly inhabitants.

% Most Scorpions’ venom is not harmful to humans– at least not as harmful as their cutting barbs and stinging mot justes.

% The mythical ‘mermaid’ is actually the lowly Sea Cow;  their existence a fabrication spun by shamed sailors, who– too long at sea– joined-in on their down-low man-on-manatee jo sessions.

% Is it any coincidence that the legendary sea siren is an anagram for “i’d ream ‘m”?

% Other disgusting things Australians do? They sneak inside the Sea Cucumber‘s multi-purpose anushole just to swim around, conceive their young.

% One look at the Tapir’s elongated snout would lead one to believe that they eat ants and termites like the similarly equipped anteater and aardvark; one would be wrong. Their nose is actually a finger by which they eat the dreams of the Chin and Japanese.

% Wong Kar-Wai’s classic film In The Mood For Love is actually an adaptation of a real life story that happened between four Termites and a hole in a tree.

% Other Wong Kar-Wai movies based on insects? Pill Bugs and Chungking Express. Gay Ants and Happy Together.

% The red face of the Uakari is objective proof of the shame of being bald.

% Umbrellabirds are so named because of their victimization at the hands of Chris Brown.

% Unaus aren’t technically adorable, as they are both unable to love, and their stringent atheistic beliefs cause them to turn back all obeisance or worship.

% Sick and tired of race traitors like Alex Trebek, Jim Carrey, Dan Aykroyd, Catherine O’Hara, and Michael J. Fox, the Canadian Porcupine, the Urson, has abandoned the United States for Canada.

% The Urubu is the only bird to– upon first menstruation– use isolation, dietary restriction, and antbites to ritually signify the coming of womanhood. That can’t be right.

% Voles are not to be trusted; though slaves themselves, they think nothing of voling out their fellow subjugatees to Skalrag for their own personal gain.

% During World War II, the Germans cross-bred Wisent with American bison in an increasingly desperate attempt to create a master race.

% The Wolverine‘s dark shaggy, hydrophobic fur is a big upgrade from its old skintight, neon yellow and blue pelt.

% Xiphias gladius— that’s the latin name for the Swordfish! Suck it, Pallotta!

% While skilled saxophonists, Yaks are rarely asked to join big bands due to their penchant for zany digressions.

% Yorkshire Terriers invented pudding lame.

% Zebras, tired of always being at the end of things, have lobbied more than two dozen times for legislature that would alternate alphabetical order on a yearly basis.

% Zero chance, jerks.






*And that’s how they found out there was no Santa Claus.


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