Why I Was A Failure as a Standing-Up Comic, part two

4.

My new housemate is borderline retarded.

And not in that fun ‘let me throw you a touchdown pass, and then you flex your muscles and think we’re going to the Super Bowl’ sort of way,

but in more of an… Eastern Washington sort of way.

Very Idaho.

• • •

The other day he tried to make conversation with me as I was eating dinner

and in the span of five minutes he said only three sentences,

but they were so shitty, that I feel justified exploiting them for my own personal gain at his expense.

(David Sedaris style).

• • •

Here’s what he said

“I got into it with a bitch at work today”

“A woman is a bitch if she won’t fuck you”

“Seems like I’ve been running into a lot of bitches since I moved to Seattle”

• • •

Now what I >appreciate< about his pathology

If we can just, step back for a second, and appreciate it

Is that it has the concision and solipsistic brilliance, of a Mathematical Proof:

• • •

1. IF you partook in heated exchange, with a Bitch.

2. GIVEN that a bitch, is a woman— who won’t fuck you.

3. AND that nobody wants to jump on your hog, bro!

4. THEN this woman is representative of the superset, of ALL Women, inasmuch as she won’t touch your junk

does not want you inside of her AT ALL

5. THEREFORE you should eat a baloney sandwich in a soiled recliner and have the Worst Conversation Ever.

• • •

He is like the Descartes of Misogyny

Or at least the Robocop.

• • •

Femina, Ergo, Cum

• • •

Thats a little latin joke SEMI COLON

I went to college COLON

Could you possibly be any more smug SCARE QUOTES

Probably not! PARENTHESES

• • •

5.

Some people will try and convince you that Elephants Never Forget

And sure, they have a point: but what they’re not telling you is that

other animals suffer from similar aphorismic idiosyncrasies

• • •

Did you know, that

Alligators never Forgive?

• • •

Did you know that

Porcupines never Go to Bed Angry

and that Hippopotamuses Waste Not and Want For Nothing?

• • •

Did you know that

Koala Bears neither a Borrower nor Lender Be?

• • •

Did you know that, in the interest of national security, all Carrier Pigeons

are bred to be illiterate?

• • •

While notoriously thrifty, Kinkajoues make above average sexual partners

due to their proclivity for experimentation, in the bedroom

• • •

Did you know that Termite Queens – Feel the Beat – of the Tambourine?

Eat that Wall – Rot that Beam – Dug by her Termite Team?

• • •

Did you know that a pomegranate is actually a kind of fruit?

• • •

And did you, Seattle, know

that while bisexual in college, dolphins are now married to an investment banker named Keith?

• • •

Every single Dolphin

• • •

All for Keith

• • •

Good Job, Keith

• • •

6.

Did you know that the State Bird of Detroit is a Trojan Magnum?

It’s a used Trojan Magnum, floating, American Beautiful

down the broken bottle depositories that they call streets there.

• • •

Spreading its seminous spores like a dandelion bukkake,

fertilizing needless and confusing analogies, like a bee in a button factory.

• • •

7.

I accidentally watched the Today Show yesterday

And, what that really means, is that I got to see Willard Scott’s birthdays—

he’s still doing them, at least ‘As Of When I Wrote This Joke Two Years Ago’.

• • •

And I had forgotten this, but, he gives a little biographical information about these 100-plus year olds,

for whom I am almost positive they recycle the same six pictures.

And their bios basically consist of “A woman of enormous faith and loves the good things in life”

or “He reads the bible everyday, a salty pillar… for the comm-unity”

But I sort of wish they’d be more honest— because you know at least, ALL of these people

are [probably] h o r r i b l e bigots.

• • •

Happy 101st birthday to Ida Miller of Augusta, Maine.

The only thing she loves more than her cats is the cleansing purge that

AIDS has wrought upon the degenerate core of the Gay-Hollywood-Satanist Complex.

• • •

Happy 103rd birthday to Missy Cooper of Durham, North Carolina.

Her 7 children, 22 grandchildren, and 8 great-grandchildren

are daily recipients of her love, her homemade strawberry preserves

and her steadfast segregation-era prejudices which have divisively torn the family

into bitterly-feuding factoins. Just ask

the 7 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren who are daily recipients of absolutely nothing,

and whom she will only recognize as a chocolatey taint on the Cooper family name.

• • •

And a Very Happy 100th birthday to Andrew Thompson, serial rapist.

He escaped capture because his brother was the Chief of Police—

anyone who came forth was severely beaten and threatened with death if they ever mentioned it again.

He doesn’t know it, but he has 2 kids and 5 grandchildren.

• • •

I guess I have a tendency to assume that all old people are not just inadvertent bigots,

people for whom time and changing cultural sensibilities have rendered their belief system anachronistic

and entirely unacceptable, but also Human Monsters

who rape, and pillage, and wreak emotional havoc without the least hint of remorse

And I’d feel worse about that, but I don’t.

• • •

Sorry Old People— there’s a Culture War going on and you are Collateral Damage.

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