I Wrote Some Fan-Fiction About Our INFINITE FRIENDSHIP, K

J: I am Slowly Giving Myself Diabetes. Wanna help?

K: Well, I don’t see how—

J: You could eat a lot of sugary foods and then take out some of your blood with a syringe and put it in me.

K: That’s sort of gro—

J: Or you could lay on my knees so that I can’t get up and exercise.

K: What? N—

J: I could take dance lessons but then instead of them being dance lessons they could be a cake eating contest and the only contestant could be me. And there could be no time limit. And the first prize would be more cake.

K: That doesn’t seem to invol—

J: Or we could just buy a pint of Italian Dressing from Lorenzo’s: It is just 3 dollars and 95 cents and I’m sure it is very, very good.

K: Why you always gotta talk shit about Lorenzo’s?

J: Sorry. (My B).

• • •

K: LET”S INVENT SOME NEW EMOTICONS

J: Emoticons? How so?

K: Well, you know how there is rot-ful (ROTFL) for Rolling on the Floor Laughing?

J: That’s… not what an Emoticon is.

K:

J: *shrug*

K: Well instead why not have ROTFBD for Rolling on the Floor Break-Dancing!?

J: I can see how that could be useful.

K: …You’re such a jerk sometimes, you know that?

J:

• • •

J: I have a Crossword Puzzle Editor’s sense of humor.

K: What the fuck does that even mean.

J: I- I don’t know.

• • •

K: Why are you even writing this?

• • •

J: I’ve been masturbating so much lately.

K: God, Why do you tell me stuff like that?

J: Just trying to make some conversation, is all.

K: How is that supposed to start a conversation?

J: Well, I d—

K: I mean, seriously, what kind of conversation are we supposed to have that starts with you telling me that you’ve been masturbating a lot?

J: You are so full of question marks.

K: That is not a real answer.

J: See, there you go. No question mark there.

K:

• • •

K: I got a shipment of Pink Grapefruits from my mom today. Do you want some?

J: Yeah. I could do that.

15 MINUTES LATER

K: These are pretty good, huh?

J: Yeah. Where did you say you got them?

K: My mom sent them to me.

J: Mm. Can’t find stuff like that at IGA.

K: Their fruit section really leaves something to be desired.

• • •

J: Do you want to go to New York City this weekend?

K: Where do you want to go?

J: New York City.

K: No, I mean, where in New York City— what part?

J: Oh, I don’t know. Manhattan, I guess.

K: Manhattan is pretty big.

J: All the good stuff is on the East side. Well, the East-most side.

K: As opposed to the way a part of the city is officially called the East Side.

J: Yeah. I mean, not Times Square.

K: That’s boring. Wait— is that supposed to be an example of something on the East Side?

J: No. I was just saying, is all.

K: I mean, it could be I guess. I don’t really know that much about New York.

J: Yeah. Neither do I.

K: But you were there for three months.

J: It was more like four, but still.

K: Yeah, you don’t really do that much.

J: But I sure did get acquainted with that one candy store— didn’t I? Eh? *nudge*

K: A lot of your dialogue starts with the word ‘Yeah’. Or ‘Well’.

• • •

K: My vagina is made out of spiders and sour cream.

J: *vomit profusely in a steady, consistent stream*

• • •

Jxxxxx Fxxxxxx O’Cxxxxxx and Kxxxxxx Axxxxx Cxxxxxx in: “My Favorite Things”

J: Raindrops on roses

K: And whiskers on kittens

K twirls her imaginary moustache, strokes her invisible beard. Overkill.

J: Bright Copper Kettles

K: And warm woolen mittens

J pours boiling water on woolen mittens. Thus warming them.

J &K: Brown Paper Packages tied up with String

They turn to each other’s faces and Pound – Out – Each – Word, stomping their feet as they do it as:

J &K: These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

K is in a red-checkered apron galloping a toy pony in one hand over an apple streudel in the other

K: Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels

J is shaking. He might have nerve problems.

J: The way guys who like big or larger ladies in a sexual way try to tear down women who are less sizable whenever they are talking about their own taste in—

K: Thes—

J: girls just haranguing them calling them stick figures or bony or skin and bones or just a bunch of skin on a stick figure that doesn’t have any curves or broken kite or shitty shit bones because they are pretty angry that they totally dig fat chicks.

K groooshes the streudel in her hands and fingers:

K: (doing best Bjork impression) CRReam Colored Po-o-nie-ees.

• • •

K: Here on Molokai there is not a single elevator or traffic light.

J: That’s good.

K: Yeah. I hate traffic lights.

• • •

Love,

2006

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