Five(teen) dates that a rich person could do/and their equivalent poverty version
- Victoria’s Secret Treasure Bra Shopping Spree1 / Bedazzle Thriftstore Ünderpants
- Pretend You’re The Help: Polish your own Candelabras; Wax your own Balustrades2 / Desperately Grasp For Help: Repurpose Candle Drippings, Ear Secretions, and Assorted Carapaces into a new Candle; Take Turns Trying to Fall Down Stairs in a Sue-able Fashion3
- (Have Your Help) Set Up a “Treasure Hunt” with Real Treasure4 / Intro to Freeganism, Night Class
- Cosplay the Homeless and Eat at a Shelter / Sit and Cry5
- Spin a Globe and Go Where Your Finger Lands / Finger Each Other While Looking at a Map6
- Take The Yacht Into International Waters and Get Crazy, Poor One Out For Woody Wilson7 / Rob a Bank
- Map Your Chromosomes for Reproductive Compatibility / Taste Test Their Baby Juices8
- Time Machine Day Trip to Period of Choice9 / Huff Paint and Spin Around a Bunch (Possibly while saying period-specific phrases or nouns1011
- Eat Something Endangered12 / Eat Something, Endangered13
- Pay Paintball Teams To Let You Hunt ‘Them Dressed As Foxes’ (Humane Fox Hunt) / Sneak Into Anthrocon With A Dog, On Mop-back14
- Plastic Surgery Day Trip: to New Bodies and Back15 / Punch each other in the mouth and eyes until you look different
- Make Zero-G Love (in the privacy of your own space bungalow) at the Secret Moon Hotel / Try to Bang in a Hammock (and create moments of genuine memory as you tangle and fall and run away from the Brinks’ guy still inside each other, like dogs. LIKE DOGS)16
- Take the Submarine down/for a tour of the Sapphysphere and learn every secret any lesbian has ever ferreted away17 / What?
- Go to a Foreclosure Auction, Buy All the Houses, and Give Them Back to their Original Owners18 / Break into a House Construction Site at Night and Christen the Sticks, Stain the Foundation19
- Fornicate, Gild Your Leavings, and then Hang It In A Museum, or a University, or a Public Library (As A Testament to your Relevance) / Bronze the boots of a child you can’t afford (by throwing it a vat at the bronzeworking factory)20
2“Dammit, Rosa!/: I want to be unable to use this handrail it’s so slick!”
3“The last thing I remember, I was grasping the balustrade and my hand just flew out from under me…”
5and Lick Each Others’ Tears for Precious Salt.
6Or, lacking a map, while dirty talking what (you remember) countries look like.
7AKA Big Woodz
8“Meaty. An aggressive opening, and a nose to match. [swish] Do I detect a hint of juniper?” “Vegetal. Flabby, but flat, and somehow increasingly acetic as I let it linger. A tad yeast-y, even.” “Oh shit man, I could go d– I mean. Supremely Quaffable.”
9w/ Era-Appropriate Costume to Fit
10Periods not necessarily related, consistent
11Ex. Tally Ho, Pip pup, Doilies, Charles Dickens, Let’s Eat Some Cake, Tiny Hens served with a Single Pea, Scrooge McDuck, Spats, Trying Hard to Look Like Gary Cooper, Wozzer.
12Ex. Sea Turtle Sashimi, Tiger Chops
13Ex. Fugue, at Harold’s
14Tally Ho! Got-ta Daaaance!
15Get to be and be inside/d by another person
17See: the never to be published “Why I Was A Failure as a Standing-Up Comic, part 2.5”
18On the condition that you can just watch them live. Three weeks.s
19Spent carton, spent bottles– “Drinking at the Dam” but the Dam is an unbuilt house.