For the Fabulously Wealthy, For the Fuckdickulously Poor

Five(teen) dates that a rich person could do/and their equivalent poverty version

  • Victoria’s Secret Treasure Bra Shopping Spree1 / Bedazzle Thriftstore Ünderpants
  • Pretend You’re The Help: Polish your own Candelabras; Wax your own Balustrades2 / Desperately Grasp For Help: Repurpose Candle Drippings, Ear Secretions, and Assorted Carapaces into a new Candle; Take Turns Trying to Fall Down Stairs in a Sue-able Fashion3
  • (Have Your Help) Set Up a “Treasure Hunt” with Real Treasure4 / Intro to Freeganism, Night Class
  • Cosplay the Homeless and Eat at a Shelter / Sit and Cry5
  • Spin a Globe and Go Where Your Finger Lands / Finger Each Other While Looking at a Map6
  • Take The Yacht Into International Waters and Get Crazy, Poor One Out For Woody Wilson7 / Rob a Bank
  • Map Your Chromosomes for Reproductive Compatibility / Taste Test Their Baby Juices8
  • Time Machine Day Trip to Period of Choice9 / Huff Paint and Spin Around a Bunch (Possibly while saying period-specific phrases or nouns1011
  • Eat Something Endangered12 / Eat Something, Endangered13
  • Pay Paintball Teams To Let You Hunt ‘Them Dressed As Foxes’ (Humane Fox Hunt) / Sneak Into Anthrocon With A Dog, On Mop-back14
  • Plastic Surgery Day Trip: to New Bodies and Back15 / Punch each other in the mouth and eyes until you look different
  • Make Zero-G Love (in the privacy of your own space bungalow) at the Secret Moon Hotel / Try to Bang in a Hammock (and create moments of genuine memory as you tangle and fall and run away from the Brinks’ guy still inside each other, like dogs. LIKE DOGS)16
  • Take the Submarine down/for a tour of the Sapphysphere and learn every secret any lesbian has ever ferreted away17 / What?
  • Go to a Foreclosure Auction, Buy All the Houses, and Give Them Back to their Original Owners18 / Break into a House Construction Site at Night and Christen the Sticks, Stain the Foundation19
  • Fornicate, Gild Your Leavings, and then Hang It In A Museum, or a University, or a Public Library (As A Testament to your Relevance) / Bronze the boots of a child you can’t afford (by throwing it a vat at the bronzeworking factory)20




1One example:

2“Dammit, Rosa!/: I want to be unable to use this handrail it’s so slick!”

3“The last thing I remember, I was grasping the balustrade and my hand just flew out from under me…”

4One example:

5and Lick Each Others’ Tears for Precious Salt.

6Or, lacking a map, while dirty talking what (you remember) countries look like.

7AKA Big Woodz

8“Meaty. An aggressive opening, and a nose to match. [swish] Do I detect a hint of juniper?” “Vegetal. Flabby, but flat, and somehow increasingly acetic as I let it linger. A tad yeast-y, even.” “Oh shit man, I could go d– I mean. Supremely Quaffable.”

9w/ Era-Appropriate Costume to Fit

10Periods not necessarily related, consistent

11Ex. Tally Ho, Pip pup, Doilies, Charles Dickens, Let’s Eat Some Cake, Tiny Hens served with a Single Pea, Scrooge McDuck, Spats, Trying Hard to Look Like Gary Cooper, Wozzer.

12Ex. Sea Turtle Sashimi, Tiger Chops

13Ex. Fugue, at Harold’s

14Tally Ho! Got-ta Daaaance!

15Get to be and be inside/d by another person


17See: the never to be published “Why I Was A Failure as a Standing-Up Comic, part 2.5”

18On the condition that you can just watch them live. Three weeks.s

19Spent carton, spent bottles– “Drinking at the Dam” but the Dam is an unbuilt house.

20In Metal-aaaaaa-l


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