What I Got For Christmas

What I Got For Christmas

† Five pounds heavier1


† Sweatier3

† A $25 Trader Joe’s giftcard4

† Home Alone Collectors’ Edition

x Alternate Version: in which Catherine O’Hara Gets Home First (i.e. before Harry and Marv)5

x Two-sided Poster of Mcallister [SP?] House with Trap Layout (Full 1:1 Scale)6

x Alternate Ending: in which The Outwardly-Creepy-But-Secretly-Kind Creepy Old Man Next Door Takes Kevin’s Advice About Calling His Son One Day Sooner (And Is, Thus, Unable To Come To Kevin’s (Incredibly Timely) Rescue) Allowing Harry and Marv To Have Their Revenge7

† Negative one iPod8

† A pair of Milk Chocolate Camo’d Pants9

† Were-Gelt10

† Drunk and Sleepy11

† I don’t mind when Rudolph flies away / Don’t get angry at the gifts that Santa lays12

† Negative any function I had regained in my (fucking) knee13

† Freezerburn / Patellar Frostbite14

† I don’t get angry when my mom’s roast pot / tastes like shit and is hard as a rock15

† Two (2) Masturbatory Fugues16

† An single, airplane-size bottle of whiskey17

† Plus one iPod18

† A Catholic Mass19

† 6 hours of Team Fortress 2 on a functioning, non-convenience-based ISP20

† I want a cat now.21





1To: Jim From: An Inhuman Lack Of Self-Restraint,

2Esso Si Que Es? / Am quickly on my way to learning Broken, Prank Spanish

3“Open Fire Roasts Chestnuts, Family of Six” / ? / Eh.

4AKA ~ 6lbs of Dark Chocolate Covered Pretzels, DBA Entries-plus-Footnotes #1, 9 Revisited

5Crying, clutching her impaled foot in her blistered hand: “Why didn’t you just call the cops?”

6Machine folded, dense and thin

7Unrated Bonus Footage / Parental Discretion Mandatory

8Or, i2Pod

9See: footnote #1

10Blood Money, paid in Sweet Human Tender / Tender Human Capital (gross)

11Both the state of near-somnolence and my sister’s cat of the same name (Sleepy, not Drunk).

12The presumption here would be that Santa had lain some shitty gifts? (Or that he’s/I’m just severely, aggressively/ridiculously, humorlessly anti-consumerism, and that you’re supposed to just know)?

13On the verge of a breakthrough re: Perpetual Immobility.

14Yet another thing my (fucking) knee has in common with Old, Shitty Meat (tore up, bruised, a complicated relationship with bone, covered in hair)

15Fuck it, fight it / it’s all the same // A half quart of nog’s the only way to stay sane

16A two-to-three hour not-exactly-wakeful state during which you are j’ing o constantly/as if egg donation prices applied– for this morning only– to each individual sperm. Also known as: Lucid Creaming, Wanking Life, Tossed Handway? (Fillwholehand Drive)

17Not the size of an airplane; miniature / 50 ML; illi, not ega

18For a grand total of zero iPods. Wait.

19On my spine– a tumor that, paradolic/rorschachly illustrates the Virgin Mary crowning our Lord and Savior


21Something to thoughtlessly-cum-pulsively stroke that doesn’t devolve into #16.


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