Leftovers 2009 (part one)

Scraps from Ideas and Pieces too Unappetizing to Have Timely Finished

Mating Habits for Future Humans1

Nano Dating

Like speed dating2 or flash dating,3 except that now you are part of an intricately-plotted mandala, constructed such that, when each person spins in a circle they are treated to a brief (BRIEF) glimpse of five new ‘potentials’ per revolution.

Forget faces or conversations or well-flexed adductor pollicis– Nano Dating is pure jib!

Mistake Your Date For Sea Green When Really They Are A Dull, Drab Umber4

aka the vague essential blur of the thing, the whole smear.5


Ask out one of every ten people you see6

Ass(istance), Gra(ba)ss, and Gas

Ass, Grass, and Gas: Robot Roomates will supply all three…

– Their Assistance is guaranteed by the Robo-Human Collective Bargaining Agreement of 2083, by which robots were bestowed the context-limited right to kill humans (in cases of rape, incest, and war/political assassination) in exchange for de facto-y/de jurish slavery.

– Be it dicking around, tea bagging, pussyfeeting, or tying labias together while they sleep, weird/gross/sexualized horseplay has heretofore been the province of human beings. Not so the Future, in which your robot friends will play Grabass with you in lieu of the increasingly scarce, and dangerous, prospect of human contact.

Gas! (Quick bots—proscribing ecstasy, fumbling)!78

As part of the Robo-Human Collective Bargaining Agreement Annex of 2085, all Robot Friends– now mandatory for every household– will serve as your Behaviour Eccentricity Standardization, Training, and Intimidation Escort, or BESTIE. If you engage in lollygagging, goofoffery, grab-assery, goldbricking, around-screwing, self-pollution, self-pollination,9 self-immolation,1011 self-immunization, immaturation, United Nations, con-grat-u-lations, around-dicking, digression, discession,12 precession, gyration, around-humping, axes,13 axes,14 not using axes,15 acts of aggression, a-grousing, agros,16 Argos,17 shaggy dogs, picaresques, feghoots, foogoffery,18 loligaggery19 or any other Deviant and Unscrupulous Moral Practices expect to be gassed.

So what does this have to do with mating? I FORGET! (AND DON”T REMEMBER THE PARTS OF THIS THAT HAD TO DO WITH MATING)!/20




1End-of-decade laziness scuttled this otherwise worthwhile premise by keeping me from coming up with more than three notions. Probably will recycle within a month.

2“Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process or dating system whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people.” – Wichard E. Pedia.

3The Little League Shake Line of dates. ‘Good Game’ each of your Potentials. Primarily face and hand shake based.

4Subtitling a picture of Sea Green.

5Character swatches.

6Or, for advanced Decimators, (exactly, precisely) every tenth person you see.

7Alt. 1980s Post-Modern Neo-Beat Poem (That Is Probably About AIDS) Version: Gays! Quick boys, getting down!— Fumbling on ecstasy!

8That probably happened, right?

9In the future, humanity finally achieves peace on earth, god-sin reconciliation through their merciless, the opposite of mild battle against/oppression of their greatest foe: sentient plants that think they’re people.

10Those suspected of floraeic sympathies– Buddhists, Banzai Groomers, Topiarists, Meat Lovers’ Pizza Lovers, Carrot Top, Al Jardine– will be relocated to special “Free Speech Estates” where their speech will be freely observed, their estates liquidated; a new generation of punks will play Thresh music, and sport an aesthetic patched together from reappropriated/contextualized overalls, straw hats, 20th century frozen vegetable advertising iconography; Flatstock a tedious procession of seed packets promoting shows by bands named after esoteric legumes, and festival schedules in the guise of crop rotation grids.11 The subculture, horticulture; the plant user, supaltern[sic].

11“Did you see Cyamopsis at NeoBumbershoot? Fabaceae could barely follow them.”

12[Prisoner reference]

13No X, no Y, no Z; no gyros, no scopes.

14No electrical guitars– each metals and plastics part is a tree that goes unslaughtered.

15Trees again.

16What else can I say? [The future is] All arcologies. Also: aqua seafoam shame (i.e. the humiliation of realizing that no amount of carbon nanotube tower sterility and magical future spaceglass dome anaesthesis can crest the swell between humanity’s promise and what it delivered). Later, In a Sun (namely Iota Rigoris): A Painting Subtitled Josh Malina, Feeling Broke Up and Wanting, Being Unable to (Ever Again) Go Home. [And then, in the book, on the opposite page, a plate with this picture]

17You paid to witness a skilled and accurate recitation of pre-recorded songs as performed by the original artist and that is (precisely, exactly) what you will get.

18Telling people to “foog off” while affecting a false brogue. What?.

19i.e. Hand-drawn half-grown mouths unable to ablate impossible deposits of cock.



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One Response to “Leftovers 2009 (part one)”

  1. chelsea Says:

    fantastic use of footnotes! love the christmas list.

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