Five Modes of Standing-Up Comedy

Five Modes of Standing-Up Comedy, Executed Poorly

Relatable ostensibly; actually Alienating

I waited until I was 24 before I had my first drink, just recently started drinking.

And I think it’s because, when my dad gets drunk, he’s sort of… a cunt.

He is; ain’t such a deal.

He just gets super-critical, and really condescending… puffy.

And those lips— so wet!

That’s what happens when all your worst pejoratives are genital-based.

• • •


Why are people still making macaroni and cheese?

Kraft already make, box, and sell the perfect version.


Problem solved!

In maths… in maths, 2+2 is four.

It’s not the cube root of 64.

It’s not the number of good Madonna songs.

[Holiday, Borderline, Like a Prayer, and (twist ending) Take a Bow]

Occam’s Razor, simplest explanation is the best— it’s Four./!

This isn’t a maths problem !slash! Stovetop, bitches.

• • •

Popular Cultural Minutiae (Made Unenjoyable)

Forget Team Edward vs. Team Werewolf— Team Shiloh vs. Team Adopted is the new Hollywood Proxy War

See also, the old Hollywood Proxy War “Team Aniston vs. Team Jolie vs. A Lonely, Poorly Represented Team Paltrow, Whimpering Cold Outside the Window”

• • •

Observational. Purely Observational.

Has anyone ever complained about passive-aggressiveness not in lieu of apologizing for being an asshole?

• • •


[I’ve been researching holidays recently]

Kwanzaa was invented by the CIA in 1957 as a forward-looking contingency excuse to treat black people condescendingly once civil rights no longer need be enforced at National Guard Point. Come 1966, Helms dropped the hammer.

It was a moderate success.


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