Why I Got Fired

Why My Position Was Rendered No Longer Available, Extant

– Skills Matrix Insufficiently Aligned with Office Productivity Function

– Punctuality Vector Math Joke

– Unauthorized Gustatory Expression of Sybaritic Self-Sufficiency in the Punch at Office Christmas Party

– Discovered Replenishing Quill in the Corporate Tincture

– Promulgated Intra-Office Pugilists’ Partnership, In Distich Delict of its Primary and Ancillary Injunctions

– Frequent, Repeated Articulations Appraising the Relative Merits of Differing Concentrations of Melanin

– Exclamatory, Palpable, and Primarily Torque-based Commemoration of Every Occasion of Turkey Timers

– Showed Up to Work Crapulous

– Pooped in the Coffeepot and now My Position No Longer Exists

– and now My Position No Longer Exists (But Ken Albee’s Does)

– and now My POSITION No Longer Exists; My POSITION Evolved Into POSTANDEON

– and now My Position Never Existed: Or Did It? And Then I See My W2 In The Bus Heading The Opposite Direction And It Nods Once Before Disappearing From My Life Forever

– and now My Position Was Dead The Whole Time, Has Finally Found Peace By Getting Revenge On Its Greatest Foe: Munchausen-by-Proxy

– and now My Position Was Rendered Superfluous, Overflowing (with Redundancy)

– and now My Position Was Rendered ‘Super’: They Observed Me Doing It and It Decohered

– and now My Position Was Rendered; My Severance Upsettingly Tallowcentric

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