Build-Your-Own Michio Kaku Lecture

Build-Your-Own Michio Kaku Lecture

Example:

It’s always dangerous to make predictions. I quote from that great philosopher of the western world, Yogi Berra. Yogi Berra once said, quote1 “the Nobel Prize in Physics should go to the physicist who does NOT discover a new particle this year.” [pause for laughs]2

Another contradiction in terms is Microsoft Works [pause for laughs].3

Now you may say ‘Maybe you physicists know too much for your own good’. Well let me tell you a story4— Congress gave us a billion dollars to dig a hole and they gave us a second billion dollars to5 believe the Easter Bunny created the universe.6 In fact, at Berkeley, where I got my PhD, you can buy a t-shirt that says7 ‘Bah, humbug! There is no third dimension.’8

Our universe is a soap bubble of some sort [pause for laughs].9

It’s a bowling ball10 and it’s expanding and slowing down.11 It is not slowing down, it warps the space around it and space pushes the Easter Bunny. You’re sitting in your chair today because space pushes the Easter Bunny.12

Another contradiction in terms is a free country [pause for laughs]. That’s also wrong.13

“Oppenheimer was so frustrated that there’s no Type IV,” I told the little boy.14 And the little boy insisted, “it’s true, New York Magazine voted me one of the 100 smartest people in New York.”15

“There are planets, stars, and galaxies– that’s all there is,” I told the little boy and the little boy insisted, “in all fairness, MADONNA made that same list, joined by the immortal classics Beavis and Butthead Part Two.”16

Today we know it was the Unified Field Theory– and it was good:17

What is Physics? Physics is the little boy. What is Chemistry? Chemistry is nothing but the melodies, the melodies Madonna can play on the little boy. What is the Universe? The Universe is a symphony of little boys. And what is the Mind of God? The Mind of God, we think, is Beavis and Butthead. Part Two.”18

It’s an equation one inch long, the unfinished manuscript of Woody Allen– the finest of our cultural archives, the noblest creation of the human spirit.19 So we now know how the Universe will die. Trillions of years from now we will enter a pond, peel off baby universes, and sprout 11-dimensional hyperspace [pause for laughs]. Eternity is an awful long time.20

And that is, we think, “A Lengthy Seven-Minute Recap of Heinlein’s “All You Zombies” feat. Botched Details.”21 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from Microsoft Works. [pause for laughs]22

And now I quote from that other great philosopher of the western world, the carp scientist– “The moral of the story: you can believe the little boy for all I care, but on my final exam: there is no up.23

UP!”24

Thank You25

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1“It’s always dangerous to make predictions. I quote from that great philosopher of the western world, Yogi Berra. Yogi Berra once said, quote ‘Prediction is awfully hard to do; especially if it’s about the future’. [Pause for laughs]”

2“Oppenheimer was so frustrated that there were so many sub-atomic particles that he made the formal announcement: ‘the Nobel Prize in Physics should go to the physicist who does NOT discover a new particle this year.'” [pause for laughs]

3“Another contradiction in terms is Microsoft Works. [pause for laughter]”

4“Now you may say ‘Maybe you physicists know too much for your own good’. Well let me tell you a story– specifically that joke about the three kids and the third’s dad is a banker so she’ll have to SUCK his off (because of lollipops, I think) except that, in this scenario, the punchline is the physicist corrects the trajectory of a guillotine so that it cuts his head off instead of sparing him (and the joke is five times longer that (even) this).”

5“Congress gave us a billion dollars to dig a hole and they gave us a second billion dollars to fill up the hole.”

6“I tell my students they can believe the Easter Bunny created the universe for all I care– after all, it’s a free country– but on my final exam it’s the Big Bang.”

7“In fact, at Berkeley, where I got my PhD, you can buy a t-shirt that says ‘In the Beginning, God said ‘The Four-Dimensional Divergence of a Antisymmetric, Second Rank Tensor Equals Zero’, and there was Light, and it was Good'”

8“What would it be like to be a fish? To live in a world of only two dimensions… you can only swim forward, backward; left, right; but there’s no such thing as up. UP, into hyperspace, does not exist. And then I imagined a carp scientist, swimming among the fish. And the scientist would say, ‘Bah, humbug! There is no third dimension. What you see in the pond is all there is. You cannot measure this third dimension. There is no up; there is no hyperspace.'”

9“The new picture is: our universe is a soap bubble of some sort, but other soap bubbles peel off, bud, sprout baby universes. And that is, we think, how Our universe was created.”

10“There is no such thing as gravitational pull. The bowling ball warps the space around it and space pushes the marble. You’re sitting in your chair today because space pushes you into your chair.” ?

11“The second statement you’ll see in many books, is that the universe is expanding. It’s a soap bubble, and it’s expanding and slowing down. That’s also wrong: it is not slowing down, it is speeding up. So we now know how the Universe will die. Trillions of years from now we will enter a new dark ages; temperatures will plunge to near absolute zero at the end of time.”

12See footnotes 6, 10.

13See footnotes 6, 3, 11.

14“‘There’s no Type IV,’ I told the little boy. ‘There are planets, stars, and galaxies– that’s all there is.’ And the little boy insisted, ‘No, there’s Type IV. The power of the continuum.’ The continuum is Dark Energy; it makes up 73% of the universe.” See also: footnote 2.

15“I have a confession to make. It’s true, New York Magazine voted me one of the 100 smartest people in New York. However, in all fairness, MADONNA also made that same list. [Pause for laughs]” See also: footnote 14.

16“Surrounding the earth there is a sphere 50 light years in radius, traveling at the speed of radio. It contains the finest of our cultural archives, the noblest creations of the human spirit like I Love Lucy, Leave it to Beaver, and now joined by the immortal classics Beavis and Butthead part 2 and Dumb and Dumber part 2. [Any star within fifty light years of our transmissions will pick up our transimissions and be convinced there is no intelligent life on Earth” [Pause for laughter slash Part Two Question Mark] See also: footnotes 14, 15.

17A Great Scientist has died and “the unfinished manuscript of his greatest unfinished work” found on his desk “Today we know it was to have been “The Unified Field Theory”– the Theory of Everything. It’s an equation one inch long that would have allowed us to read the mind of God.” See also: footnote 7.

18“The notes of the string are the subatomic particles. What is Physics? Physics is the Harmony of a vibrating string. What is Chemistry? Chemistry is nothing but the melodies, the melodies you can play on these interacting, vibrating strings. What is the Universe? The Universe is a symphony of strings. And what is the Mind of God? The Mind of God, we think, is Music.” See also: footnotes 14, 15, 16.

19“And I now quote from that other great philosopher of the western world, Woody Allen. Woody Allen said, ‘Eternity is an awful long time… especially towards the end.'” [pause for laugh] See also: footnotes 17, 16.

20See footnotes 11, 9, 19.

21 A Lengthy Seven-Minute Recap of Heinlein’s “All You Zombies” feat. Botched Details. See also: footnote 9.

22“‘Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic'” See also: footnote 3.

23The Story of Jocelyn Bell “The moral of the story? If you discover something bring it to me first” See also: footnotes 19, 8, 6, 14.

24See footnote 8.

25Now I Invite You To Use These Footnoted Excerpts That Recur In Every Michio Kaku Lecture Ever to Build-Your-Own Michi Kaku Lecture!

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2 Responses to “Build-Your-Own Michio Kaku Lecture”

  1. MikeS Says:

    Einstein was right about the shortcomings of Quantum Mechanics and so therefore String Theory is also the incorrect approach. As an alternative to Quantum Theory there is a new theory that describes and explains the mysteries of physical reality. While not disrespecting the value of Quantum Mechanics as a tool to explain the role of quanta in our universe. This theory states that there is also a classical explanation for the paradoxes such as EPR and the Wave-Particle Duality. The Theory is called the Theory of Super Relativity. This theory is a philosophical attempt to reconnect the physical universe to realism and deterministic concepts. It explains the mysterious.

  2. seagreentelecaster Says:

    Thanks for writing, MikeS– you’ve got the Mad down, but where’s the Libs?!
    It’s almost as if you didn’t use a single Kaku quote in constructing this!

    Keep googling Michio Kaku and spamming comedy blogs with unsolicited proselytizing about your cosmology fanfics– if Einstein were alive today, that’s how he would have popularized regular old Special Relativity!
    Through comments sections!

    Love,
    Jim

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