Things To Do With A Child (Who Is Your Property)

Because If You Don’t Teach Them They Might Become Feral

– Test Raymond Scott’s Soothing Sounds for Baby to see if they actually work (spoiler alert: they do not)

– Recreate the cover of Off the Deep End… Except With A Baby!

– White Album the SHIT out of them

– Have it do a “First Steps + 3 mos” dance while you James Brown a “BabybabybaBAY BabybabybaBAYY”

– “I should probably learn an instrument or language so I can teach it to it”

– Teach it all the States, Presidents, Pokemon, and Elvis Costello Albums in chronological order

– Teach it Fake Cusses– not made-up ones, but, like, get all pissed and heartbroken when it says “funnel,” proscribe “sweater”

– Teach it how to read through literacy-driven scavenger hunts. If instead it uses its wiles to outfox having to read the clues, at least it will grow up crafty

– Teach it how to sew. It’ll come in handy if it ever gets LOST

– Teach it how to shop. Coupons are the funnest game their is: write up a list and add up a retail price; let it circulnavigate the city for the best bargains. Keep the change, you thrifty animal!

– Teach it how to bake. It’s REALLY not that hard

– Tie it up and place it in peril to REALLY see if it can excape knots

– Who’s Daddy’s Li’l Excape Artist or Future Bondage Superstar/Prodigy?

– You are!

– Hallowe’en Costume = Baby John Hodgman

– Only video game it’s allowed to play? Tecmo Super Bowl for the NES.


– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Beatles

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Battles

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Beatles Baby Battles

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Batter

– Ew.

– Feed it nothing but Grill Cheese for 6 weeks straight

– Have shots/drinking contest — me: whiskey, it: apple juice

– Ludens, not Halls; Dimatap, not Triamenic. Chewable Children’s Tylenol (Both Kinds).

– Gaslight it!

– Into what?


– A healthy mix of hot and cold lunch

– Teach it about Stats, and the belts, gloves, and hats that bestow them in Bonus

– Get it some kind of Jr. Field Recorder so it can record sounds

– Teach it about Hits, and why you’re such a good parent for not (ab)using them

– Teach it about Misses, you can’t succeed if you don’t try

– Teach it about Hits,

– Teach it about Misses, show it Chungking Express over and over again, and In The Mood For Love; show them that scene where you think cross-cut events are chronologically concurrent but they end up being days or hours apart to devastating effect. I think it might have been… The Wire? Silence of the Lambs? The Shield? Dark Knight had it sort-of-not-really but it’s not that.

– Teach it about HITS, VSM, Okapi, TLS, and CDR

– Teach it about Misses, Juniors, Petites, Talls, and BBWs

– Teach it about Hits, each time it looks at something on the internet the person who wrote it gets a smile

– Either one appears on their face, or someone smiles at them

– Even if they’re alone

– (They break in

– (Haven’t really worked it all out yet))

– Oh, also teach it about seratonin (1) and (2) twisting and shouting

– Remember to heal my knee so we can dance a lot

– And let’s see if I can dig up one of those Kermit Keyboards

– Have an old couch for the express purpose(s) of being jumped on, forts– probably a mattress too

– Preferably not too soiled

– Teach it that wetting the bed isn’t the worst thing you can do by telling it about the Huang He, or Yellow, River– if it weren’t for little kids who peed the bed millions of Chinese would die of famine and drought

– Desperately try to reign in that torrential lesson by telling it how peeing the bed every night leads to the murderful floods that earned the river the colloquial name “China’s Sorrow”

– Teach it about “Tears in Heaven” without realizing that it will play like a threat

– Draw up a map of the human genome for it to play on

– Or, failing that, at least the autonomic plexuses

– PUNish It– it can’t leave that step until it apologizes through wordplay

– Don’t name it Paul or it will never learn

– Don’t name it Apollo because It Is Your Child And You Love It


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