17ish Hour Party People

Not as good as the last one/Things That I’ve Said On The Internet (September-October 2008)

Some_One: why are you not at work?

me: Because I am a champion

What’d you call about yesterday

Some_One: ear wax

7:37 AM

me: For or against?

7:47 AM

Why are you up so early?

Is today a lovely beach day?

Someone: a lovely beach day?

me: My basement apartment’s windows are mostly decorative, so I can’t tell if it is nice out

You love the beach

7:48 AM

Someone: oh, well it is

me: That is the one thing about you

Someo: oh, sad. i guess we missed our chance to go to a storm game

me: 😦

Someo: 😥

me: :*

10:12 AM

Is my favorite

Are you trying out?

Are you going to compete in the Ultimate Flirting Championship?

Someone: they are currently holding an ultimate flirting champtionsjip


11:33 AM

you type faster than me. i am handicapped by all the cheesepowder on my fingers

me: You are handicapped by Gluttony

You are getting off light because that is a DEADLY sing


Someone: i hate this website

me: Is astronaut ice cream any good?

Someone: whats the word..uh..tolerance



12:16 PM

me: Do you have any?

me: Someone my lower back hurts

My lower back hurts from walking around too much

1:11 PM

Someone: its not because of your menses

are you sure

maybe walk it off

as women are sometimes told to do

1:12 PM

me: I should probably drain my menses

You are right, as always

And also Florida a couple times

Someone: did you ever go “abroad” so to speak?

1:22 PM

me: Only if a day and a half in Montreal counts as abroad

Someone: also, if you drench it in ranch, is it still a salad?

me: No

1:23 PM

It it ranch soup with lettuce

1:46 PM

me: You love laying down

lying down?

I hate English

That’s not true

Someone. That’s not true

You wish your bed was a Wall-E brand People Scooter

1:48 PM

You wish we were all ALSing in floating beds and had computer screens for faces

Like ph/fat Stephen Hawkingses

1:49 PM

Ph/fat Ph/floating Steph/fen(?) Hawkingses

That’s the name of your band

That’s the name of your Air America Talk Show

1:51 PM

Someone: air america

1:52 PM

me: You will never truly be able to love anyone because there will always be a hole in your heart that only Al Franken can fill.

1:53 PM

(And so) your devotion will never be total.

If Al Franken were to trot past on an Alabaster Steed

And carry you away from this place.

1:54 PM

His horrible curled hair and gross face doing sex all over you genitals.


That is so gross.

1:56 PM

Someone would you vote for Al Franken?

Someone: i don’t know al frankens positions on anything

1:58 PM

me: What if Al Franken let you touched his glistening, droopy pectorals.

2:00 PM

Dripping into the air pocket of his Brooks Brothers shirt, created by the relative distension of his no doubt ponderous gut (compared to his ‘nothing to write home about chest)

2:01 PM

Dangling, superfluously benippled, to the extent a man’s breast can droop

2:02 PM

I feel like another alliterative synonym would have clinched that sentence. But, in my ignorance, I had to recycle droop and the rest isn’t history

2:05 PM

Someone: droop is a gross work

2:06 PM

me: And Al Franken’s chest should only be described with the most loving and complimentary prose

Point taken

Someone, I’m watching a documentary about Professional Wrestling

2:14 PM

Someone: why jim


me: Because I am trying to break your heart.

me: Someo, I just ate an entire Pizza, now what should I eat?

Someo: a pie!

2:34 PM

me: What kind of pie?

Someo: grape

me: That doesn’t sound real

Someo: melon

me: You are making up pies.

Someone: what can i say, i’m high maintenance.

homemade pizza sounds adorable.

me: Just like a copy/fax machine

Someone: in place, some and one and i made the pizza every friday night

me: I hope you just misspelled abominable

Someone: and people from all different coops would come to eat it

me: Because it is The Worst


3:11 PM

Someone: oh, community

me: Co-op People and The Low Pizza Standards

Would by name for a fake band if I was pretending I was in college.

True dat

I already knew dat

3:13 PM


It hurts, Someone

Someone: it does

me: It hurts to stick your fingertip in your belly button and press

Only a damn fool would keep on going

You love pranks

3:51 PM

They’re your favorite form of phone calls

me: Runners breathe easy with new SupOxytories

All the oxygen you need, right up the bunghole

5:20 PM

Barack Obama is currently being not well served by the freaking out of Democrats, who it turns out are the world’s Red Sox fans

ie The Worst

5:21 PM

5:28 PM

We should sneak things into the movie

to make it better

Maybe fried chicken, or drugs

Emone: fried chicken!


me: She is pretty much an Achewood strip

5:39 PM

A list of ridiculous ideas and terrible things, continuously one-upping itself with how ornately ridiculous they can be

Someone: somes sister in law works at red robin

me: Is she hot

Someone: im trying to think of all the things she said she can eat from there

why do you ask

me: Because that’s the way I roll

5:48 PM

Someone: i dont think the two of you would get along at all

me: Is it because she is too hot?

5:49 PM

Someone: yes. you hate hot girls.

me: And you think I will be resentful?

5:50 PM

Someone: you hate them so much

6:00 PM

me: It is the 21st annual “D–g Dash”

I refuse to type those two letters because I find them gross

You should have Pizza Pie

Someone: hm

perhaps i should

i haven’t had pizza in a while

6:16 PM

me: You love pizza

6:17 PM

That is one thing I’ve decided to know about you

6:22 PM

Someone: its so accurate

6:28 PM

Someone: bah

me: You’ve decided to go with lamb?

Pizza cheese should not be in acrid clumps

6:46 PM

Sone: is your life more interesting than mine?

me: I seriously doubt it.

6:48 PM

me: I am ‘watching’ a graph version of baseball happen while eating a pumpkin cookie in my pajamas at 7:48 at night.

In an apartment so empty my voice echoes on the rare occasions I use it.

6:49 PM

(Mostly to swear at my computer for shutting off because the plug popped out).

Sone: I’ve started watching Word Girl on PBS at 7am to try to convince myself that I have a life and interests outside of work.

6:50 PM

I don’t really get PBS so I watch it in black and white fuzz and fuss with the tv until the sound comes on.

me: What is Word Girl?

6:51 PM

Sone: It’s a children’s show about a girl who uses her vocabulary to stop local villains.

me: What kind of villains? Are they scary villains?

Sone: One is a butcher

One is a little kid who can build terrifying robots.

me: Meat is expensive, Sone

Sone: No.

In the last episode he was somehow forging art.

7:02 PM

me: Sone, they left Justin Masterson in instead of bringing in Jonathan Paplebon and now the game is tied.

I told them not to do it, Sone.

I told them!

Sone: You are referring to real baseball and not the graph now?

me: The real baseball is happening on the graph.

7:03 PM

Sone: Oh. My understanding of graphs is severely limited then.

8:39 PM

me: I just watched an episode of Cheers

Add that to the list

8:44 PM

me: You love senioritas

8:45 PM

Someone: i do

i love them

me: Your favorite ladies are the kind with shoulderless puffy shirts and floor length skirts and delicious mexifries

8:51 PM

me: You are giving Trader Joes a lot of benefits of a lot of doubts

8:58 PM

Someone: oh no

im so sad

quentin got shot

i wanted him to live

8:59 PM

me: Carlos Quentin? He only broke his wrist is all

Someone: you better order right now

me: Plus the White Sox are probably going to get drummed out by the Red Sox, and while his bat would certainly help CHicago, I can’t imagine it making that ig a difference

Someone: time is running out, jim

me: that big

9:00 PM

that big a difference

I don’t htink I’m going to get anything

Someone: you better order soon

oh, poor quentin

he just went to the gas station

and he saw a body in the back room and realized it was in the middle of being robbed

and the guy shot him

9:01 PM

what would you even do in that situation

like, what could you do

do you run?

do you just stay quiet and stare

me: Again, with Youk back, and Beckett looking good, even without JD Drew I think the White Sox won’t be much of a problem

9:31 PM

Maybe if you tug at the sides of your eyes

and pulsate them back and forth

the spotty blur will make half of the people look sort of like catherine deneuve

And then you’ll be golden

Someo: oo. i like her

but she’s not on grey’s anatomy..

9:35 PM

me: As far as I’m concerned, Gray’s Anatomy is like Catherine Deneuve’s Eddie Murphy’s The Nutty Professor

And she is playing every single white woman

And also Patrick Dempsey

And also the Hospital

9:37 PM

Someo: what?

i’m not following at all

Someo: And also the Medical Instruments

9:41 PM

me: Hm.

Maybe there is candy inside of the couch cushions

DIg around in their

With your lusty paws

Someo: i just ate my last piece of easter candy

me: there

9:49 PM

me: Do you and Some role play Patricia Richardson and Tim Allen


9:50 PM

Someone: it helps that the video quality is so poor

we never have, but its an idea

me: do you call it Tool Time when you (obviously) do?

Someone: this is 8 minutes long

9:51 PM

why are there all these clips of “patricia richardson in nylons”

does she have some following i was unaware of

me: This is not 8 minutes long

Someone: it is! 8:12

me: for some reason there is four minutes of a black screen

9:52 PM

with a piece of a bone thugz & harmony song(?) playing over it

They beat the Yankees

Good for them

10:01 PM

While the Yankees upstate compatriots wiped the floor with the Seahawks

So those are the Sports Highlights for today

10:14 PM

me: http://wonkette.com/402815/ralph-nader-talks-sadly-to-bird-contemplates-wearing-bear-suit

But this is real




One Response to “17ish Hour Party People”

  1. Sunny Says:

    Good morning, Happy Fool’s Day!!

    Newly wed wife to her husband:
    “That is why I can’t stand you – you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.”

    Happy April Fool’s Day!

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