Things To Tell Your 6-months Old Child

Things to Tell Your 6 Months Old Child (To Turn Their Subconscious Into A Ticking Time Capsule)

– The unabridged play-by-play of their conception1

– The list of women you would have preferred been their mom instead2

– Suicide Attempt War Stories3

– Nursery Marker-Party: detail a list of their inadequacies, the ways in which they have failed to live up to your dreams of having a child4

– The results of the spreadsheet you made calculating exactly how much their life is worth to you/on the black market5

– Get all those compliments/I love yous out of the way– one lump sum67

– A safari through the entire breadth of things he can look forward to J’ing O to/the horrible list of fetishes with which she may have up to put8

– Sing the entire Bjork catalog in one 7 hour caged sit9

– Then all the remixes10

– Our shared history of genocide, holocaust, and rape as a military tactic11

– Relate last night’s Tonight Show in exhaustive detail– punctuating each monologue joke with violent fake laughter, acting out every Jaywalker in full grotesque, sockpuppeting the mostly-supportive ambivalence of Kevin Eubanks12

– Ask them for help with your crossword and then shame them when you figure out the clue without their help; DOMINATE at Jeopardy!131415

– (Weeping) calculate, out loud, exactly how much they will cost you (in TVs)1617

– A litany of your most shameful moments– both secular and sexcapadic18

– All your bigamy dreams, Johnny Appleseed-sowing contingency plans19

– Water the Family Tree (With Blood)20: all the ways your daddy wronged you and all the wrongs you plan on visiting upon him/her.

– Intel: prep your child on the family it is entering and each members’ deficiencies, massively damageable weakpoints21

– All the dirty secrets– what’s in our water, where our meat comes from, how big an asshole John Lennon was/all their heroes will be22

– The Myriad Fallacies of the Load-Bearing Fallacies of our Nation’s History and Culture2324

– How bad it is going to hurt to watch you die25

– LOST spoilers26

– The Enormity of Existence27

– Pre-Apologize28

– Your best guesses as to who’ll stop the rain, what the secret ingredients to Dr. Pepper are, where the wild things are, when America will slide into outright fascism, why fools fall in love, how the world will end2930

– Your clumsy erotic prose3132

– Poormouth dogs in a selfish attempt to have cats as a pet six years from now33

– Your anxieties that you will cry when he cries, laugh when he cries34

– To shove it35

– Cusses. All of them. Every Cuss. Over and Over.36



1“Now I know she doesn’t look it, but your mom is such a prodigious swallower it’s a wonder we had you at all!”

2Theresa, Jane, Carson, Lauren Graham, Beatrice, Kendra from Accounting, That One Bus Driver Who Was Surprisingly Hot, Kate Winslet, The Beautiful Giantess Who Jogs Down By The Library, A Sentient Pair of Breasts, Fiona Apple…

3“Your daddy is like a scientist– a scientist who is bravely trying to pinpoint the exact limit at which shame metastasizes into grief/prescription drugs stop being nice and start getting real”

4Not nearly as eloquent as that baby on the stock-buying commercials; suckling a major breastkill; just sort of sits there (and has the thighs to prove it– yeesh); can ‘just tell’ its gay…

51.67 my own; 0.91 my wife/$48,016.81


7That’s it

8And by safari I mean my search history: read it and weep

9Their first steps? Desperate lunges towards the iPod/Staaa-teoof EEE-mRRRrrrR-gyeenn-cyyYYy

10Medulla throat techniques should come in handy for furious barrages of clicks and wanks

11“…and so we move on to the fall of Carthage” [Four Days In]

12I for one would watch a Tonight Show where Jay Leno got so low-down he replaced everyone on staff with sock puppet versions of themselves

13“Has to be in the form of a question, stupid– Negative 1000! BLAMP: Who is Copernicus!”14

14“Yes! 1000 smackers!”15


16A 704 inch 26,640p Plasma Nanoscreen RDTV17

17In which the Plasma in question is Unicorn blood; RD = Re-Definition– the power of human vision pales in comparison to the intravenous experience of 58 feet of Unicorn blood coursing through your eye veins

18Forgot the words to my jokes and just sort of stood there (and have never made myself vulnerable since) [secular]; Sometimes when I would be sexing around with my first girlfriend she would start to laugh; I never found out why (but have never made myself vulnerable since) [sexcapadic]; I tried to give a girl I liked a twizzler on the last day of third grade (as if that were a romantic gesture); she refused and I have never made myself vulnerable since [both]

19Johnny Papaseed?

20Or piss

21This [hold up picture] is your dad [the picture looks exactly like the holder] his weakness is pop-culture references, memes, wordplay, puns, and crippling bouts of wrist-pondering self-doubt

22So big he distended to the power of 12 power bottoms

23Slavery: Our Original Sin– How It’s Inclusion Made Our Country Possible, How It’s End Marked The Beginning of Federalized Homogeneity, Oh And How (Fucking) Horrifying That Is; How Laws Are Made: Favors, Pork, Coercion, and New Innovations in Disingenuity <TOO HOT for SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK>; Religion: The Violent Gay-Bashing, Science-Denying, Kid-Fucking Death Throes of Impending Obsolescence; Monogamy: Everybody Cheats (Even Your Parents)*

24*Especially Your Parents

25Pretty bad

26Spoiler Alert: it’s probably not worth it

27Relative to their puny body, life

28“I’m sorry I missed your induction into the Water Polo Hall of Fame; I was very busy being President of the Roller Coaster Appreciation Society but that is no exCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSEEE!” Wave hands in the air, screaming

29Richard Nixon (eventually); Vanilla, Nutmeg, Prunes, and White Tiger tears;30 got addicted to chicken soup with rice, caught leaf smut, and fucked themselves to death in a dendrophilic fervor (their bodies are now stored in a subterranean warehouse in Waco, TX); 2026; even fools are human, son; highly communicative spore of leaf smut finds its way into world’s soft drink supply

30Why do you think there are so few of them? All the rest are in a subterranean warehouse in Waco, TX

31“”And that, I’ve found, is how the world works– you get banged, and then you whimper.” And then, swift like a PCF, she zipped shut my eyeslot and proceeded to scorch my earth.”32

32Two sentences starting with ‘and’ in a row. Jesus.

33“Sure, dogs are ok I guess– if you like picking up poop with your bare toes! *look down at diaper failure* Oh. Well, unlike cats, dogs don’t come with a free portrait of President Abraham Lincoln! *tug tug*”

34I mean, really, half the time when they tantrum it has to be (fucking) hilarious (but laughing at that (shit) would drive them insane)

35Also: sit on it, cram it, skip it, bop it, twist it, pull it, [digitized scream], put a sock in it, put a ring on it, shake it like a polaroid picture, shake it like a british nanny, shake it like candy’ll come out, shake it like an aging belly dancer with a wristjowl full of (shitty) bangles, don’t fight it: feel it, suck it followed by a setting off fireworks and crossing your hands defiantly down upon your suckables

36Crimson and Clover and Cuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcockcunt


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