New Pregnancy Moves
The world of obstetrics is one fraught with countless1 perils…
How monkey-proof is your uterus? By discovering how well your womb would withstand simian assault, you can rest assured– both that your soon-to-be-son is safe from the scourge of monkeynappers,2 and that your ladyworks is suitably prepared for The Coming of the Apes.3
How habitable by bacteria/gelatinous is your reproductive system? Should you be bummed when your sargassum gets gummed? Will this hyper-fertile algal fondant feed your fetus into a genetically superior SuperBaby? Or will it become the lime jello in which your fallopian friend4 fumbles ecstatic, chokes, drowns? Scientists are currently in the late stages of testing the potential hazards and benefits of this little-known FUPA side effect. Here’s hoping the verdict, like the substance itself, will soon be aperient.5
In the socialist nightmare world of the future,67 no longer able to gate their patients by accrued wealth or class, the best doctors will be forced to choose who requires/deserves their treatment the most by determining who is most wiling to demean themselves for the privilege. Nostalgic for the sweet cruelty of their cinematic youth, heads swimming with visions of Jeff Cohen and Corey Feldman’s redefinition of gates, most doctors will make their pregnant prospects do the truffle shuffle if they want to get in. Hilarity, miscarriage ensues.
Shoulder Dystocia is one of the most panic-inducing problems that an operating room can face. Occurring when the baby, its head already outside of the womb, can no longer be pushed from the birth canal due to the width of its shoulders, shoulder dystocia puts the life of the child in immediate life-threatening danger. In this race against time, doctors must be at the top of their game, and to do so they invent, on-the-fly, some of the most unorthodox, ingenious, and no-holds-barred procedures in medicine:
One technique that has been shown to be both effective and crowd-pleasing is the Woods Can-Opener. In this acrobatic tact, nurses ready a surgical diving board8 from which the attending obstetrician springs, secures one leg to the chest with his/her arms, and tilts the body at a 35 degree angle (from pole of the laboring mother’s belly button). The resulting expulsion of the fetus can result in aminotic splashes of 15 feet or greater.9
As opposed to Zavanelli’s Maneuver, in which the obstetrician pushes the dystocic baby’s head back inside in order to perform a cesarean, Zavanelli’s Gesture is a half-hearted affair, in which he or she sort of bats at the head, listlessly pokes at it with forceps, and then blows a strand of hair from his face with a pouty ‘poof’. Can be punctuated with an barely audible “feh” in cases of extreme distress.
Ever the tireless innovator/recipient of horribly unfortunate fetal-shoulder-luck, Zavanelli didn’t stop there; the following represent the rest of Zavanelli’s maneuvers:
Zavanelli’s Mantua, in which the obstetrician prescribes a loose gown under which the demi-mother will hide her half-born child, Kuato-style.
Zavanelli’s Manubria, in which [see Intentional clavicular mackture]
Zavanelli’s Manucode, in which the obstetrician shows you his exotic bird
Zavanelli’s Manifold, in which cars are too complicated and entirely opaque to me for me to be able to fake a joke about (sad)
Which is not to be confused with Zavanelli’s Man-o-fold, in which the obstetrician shows you his Playgirl Pin-up
and, of course, Zavanelli’s Manzanilla, in which, either in an attempt to loosen you up or in recognition of your vaginal futility, the obstetrician offers you a glass of his bathtub sherry.
Intentional clavicular mackture
If only fracturing clavicles could solve all of life’s problems. Winnie the Pooh needn’t have confronted his obesity and opiate addiction, earning him the early grave that his idol– William Howard Taft– was repeatedly denied;1011 debate club and taekwondo lessons would no longer be mutually exclusive– they’d be all-inclusive: performed indulgent, drunk, and crazy slutty; our postures would be terrible; and we would never need to report for jury duty again.121314
Unfortunately, in the Real World, sometimes a more effortlessly confident technique is called for. With ICM (intentional clavicular mackture),15 the doctor starts kissing all up the clavicle and on the neck with the intention of either skeeving the delivering mom out so much she pushes harder, gets this shit done, or dizzying the child into a coquettish quiver, momentarily loosening the body in the birth canal and, thus, allowing passage.
In the Rubin II, the doctor inserts fingers vaginally, and rotates the shoulder to fetus’s chest. That’s ok, I guess. But why not try the Rubin III(!), in which you insert hand and forearm vaginally, tuck the legs into chest; use other hand to push head down, and wrap arms around body. Cannonball! / Have the birthing mother eat some baking soda and vinegar. DO NOT FORGET TO SET UP NET/SPLAT PAD BEFORE INGESTION.
If all else fails, in case emergency doesn’t work, break glass and bust out the Reuben IV. Four delicious Reubens– one for the attending, one for the midwife or head nurse, one for the husband, and one for the would-be mother herself. Your Crown May Have Crumbled, But You Tried Your Best; You Deserve A Reuben[™]!16
A specially trained/suitably hulking nurse whose duty it is to just press hard on the belly in order to shoot the child out like a wine cork. Equally likely to result in pieces of ‘cork’ floating in the ‘wine’. Highly popular amongst stupider practitioners/lummices and simpletonne who were so nice their accrued bedside manner extra credit points accidentally earned them a medical degree.17
In extreme cases of shoulder dystocia, a specially-trained cat, or HELPURR, can be sent in there after it. Cats: finally pulling their own weight! About eight pounds!
HELPURR (mean version)
or, In the tragic case when neither the Woods Can Opener nor Rubin III maneuvers work, it becomes necessary to call in your HELPURR18— a cat specially trained for excavating the womb of shattered dreams. Worry about offending the patient with an abrupt, piercing fingers-whistle or contextually inappropriate kiss-hithers no longer– our new model is specially trained to respond to the mixed scent of Sauerkraut and Thousand Island Dressing and the Ineffable Void of Illimitable Human Anguish. Vacuum attachment included.
2in this case the name derives from who is doing the napping OR monkeys invade your womb and just sleep there, stealing much needed growin’ room, spreading chiggers, and teaching your fetus their awful ‘shines’
3the controversial, highly erotic 12th installment of the famous sesquidecology
4in this case we are assuming you are the victim of an ectopic pregnancy/next time, Try Harder Comma Better!
5Aperient Scores– How full of shit is your pregnancy making you…
7or any country that isn’t America
8available at all your finer MegaSandals (which house throth a Resort, a Medical Supply Warehouse, and the grocery half of an Amazing Superstore)
10in this scenario, the oafish Taft was protected by a guardian angel whose god-given mission was to legitimize evidence obtained by warrantless wiretapping.11
11Fuck Chuck Katz: G(od)W(arrior) 4-EVZ!
12whether that means simplifying the judicial system so that every accused criminal has their clavicle broken and is sent on their way, or learning kung fu and snapping the shoulders of your fellow potential jurors, thus demonstrating your unsuitability for impanelment/sequesterence13
13CAUTION: this maneuver may backfire and earn you Foreman’s duty14
14by which I mean, having to keep an eye on House while ruining the show with your stupid love
15or, Islamic Center of Maryland– they have surprisingly heretical/erotical/herotical obstetrics
16the RebuenIV, PregnanstramiVI, and Spontaneous Aborussian Dressing are all the Intellectual Property of the seagreentelecaster family of products, in perpetuity, unless you want it, in which case Now You Are The One Who Is Terrible
18Hands-free Extraction Leonine Post-partum Uterine Refuse Retriever