The Only (26) Thing(s) We Have To (HAVE TO) Fear

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief, that The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is

Adolf Hitler1

Boxcutters2

Cigarettes34

Delano Franklin, my evil twin567

Errol Flynn’s swarthy good looks8910

Flue sticks shut and Fireside Chat asphyxiates the Cabinet11

Gingivitis12

Homunculi who deliver my blood cells grow dissatisfied with their arterial captivity, chew their way out1314

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Japanese-American children15

Kevin16

Loofahs1718

Making a mistake1920

Nightmares– they’re, by definition, frightening21

Origami carrier pigeons2223

Pubic speaking24

Quail becoming sentient and turning against us25

Rosebud!26

Scared-being-of2728

Tiny frogs!29303132

Ultraviolet light33

Velociraptors34

Women35

Xanadu, where Kublai Kahn did no wait3637

Yalta quotes coming back to haunt me3839

Zygodactyls40

41

——————————————–

———————

1That guy is a maniac! Those soldiers of his shoot real guns with actual bullets!

2apparently…

3Keep them as far away from your face as you can.4

4Invent a holder to do so.

5Also: Deleanor, my homely, cross-dressed alter-ego6

6When Eleanor is away, Deleanor comes out to playTM7

7(Why would I trademark that?)?

8I better wrap this blanket around my bone-zone so Winston and Josef don’t laugh at my wrinkled old japesmaker!9

9I can still get boners right?10

10… I forget how polio works.

11Henry Morgenthau Jr., no!

12Teeth are our greatest naturally occurring resource. You only get two shots at this– make at least one of them count. Preferably the latter… I digress.

13If you love one million tiny somethings, set them free– if they induce a cerebral hemorrhage chewing their way out of your face, well then you probably shouldn’t have listened to me. Sorry !( 14

14(sad wink)

15Don’t take your eyes off of them or they’ll sublimate into a hundred cranes and thieve all your microfiche

16[eyes narrow] Kevin [teeth grit]

17They are, basically, spawnpoints for Enterococcus, Pseudomonas, and other Bacterial Disease; they are, totally, camping your continences18

18(pronounced with a long ‘e’– continenc-ees)

19Don’t fuck up!20

20(You failure.)

21Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror, which paralyzes needed efforts to escape this tiger made out of bees…

22Take away their paper!23

23And angles!

24Gross/is that a weiner-slash-fanny-[UK] that talks or you just getting down there and telling all your secrets/talking head

25“So the hunter has become the SQWRAURK”

26Was that me?

27Anonymous, poorly thought out, sloppily formatted artifact-destroying black instant– crippling our compulsories, rendering second breakfast into Ron Carver28

28Finally! My mandle’s arrived [nostril-expoding sniff] smells like [both white sausage and monkey bread are offensive; thank Bavaria for ruining my clever/incomprehensible joke]!

29So small. And full of poison.30

30Crawling all over my nude body.31

31Tickling the back of my sinuses.32

32Spelunking for my yellow wealth.

33A man’s wheelchair is his castle. Or at least his dungeon.

34Clevah gull

35Clevah gulls

36That’s William Randolph Hearst again37

37The cuss of it all!

38}Noooo-blessssse obliiiiiiige{39

39(ghost voice brackets)

40Ugh. Birds.41

41[shudder]

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