Change Your Pissstance!!

Which pissition is right for you???

Ten and Two

Classic
The industry standard. Both hands holding your dinger, thumbs atop for maximum guidance/quick and efficient troubleshooting should your stream get weird (a rogue tributary, gum in the works, or the dreaded octopus sprinkler). Whether border fenced or not, your arms and feet are well within the bounds of your jurisdiction. Your eyes are ahead, your gaze absent. Once midstream and once while finishing up, your eyes turn down to look upon your works (but don’t stare). Just about a beat and a half too long– ideal. You flush with your wrist or a quick elbow. You are the model pissitizen.


The Cradle

Sturdy, dependable, strangely comforting.

The most commonly utilized one-handed technique, your dominant hand steadies the shaft while the non-dominant hand takes a prime position below the whole operation. Generally this hand is half-cupped, but not cupping. Lay the palm around the general curvature of your area to support without actively supporting. As with parenting, just BEING there is enough/all you deserve.

The Lean

Exudes a restlessness, a sense of longing
For the Lean, extend your dominant arm outwards letting your open palm rest flat against the wall. A slack stance, the non-dom hand takes care of your bigness. Seriously. Legend has it that this position was designed by and named after famed Lawrence of Arabia director David Lean, whose fat dick was such a fat burden that he was required to steady himself by actively pushing against the bathroom wall while relieving himself lest his doublewide choad drag him in. Contemporary scholars, however, have dismissed this interpretation as ‘dumb’ and ‘confusing’, existence of a doublewide choad deemed ‘unlikely, due to potentially catastrophic structural deficits/universal comparative inadequacy’.

The Gee Whiz

Uh, what?
Also known as the Morissette, you’ve got one hand in your pocket and the other steadying your pee tube. This stance was originally named after the Hearst comic strip character. With his peerless combination of pluck, awshucksfulness, constant warmongering, moxie, virulent anti-spanish sentiment, and general racebaitery, the Gee Whiz Kid,  and his prolific donger, Travis, was universally beloved by all readers who weren’t turned off by the constant whistle emitting from his sideways vagina mouth.

The Elephant Ear
While steadying your stream with your dominant hand, put your hand upon your hip and when you piss they piss we piss. Mind the line– you’d hate to get a reputation as a urinal hog!

I'm an Elephant Ear man myself

Note here that Barry is showing off some fancy pigeon toe footwork. You do not need to do this.

The Dumbo
Hands on both hips, unfurl your trunk and let loose. If you want to take your balls out, do it. It is an aesthetic match. Take up some elbow room, even. You Are The King of the Jungle and You DESERVE It. Everyone has to approach you obeisant, lest they commit the greatest offense committable in a (non-recreational) mens room: The Jostle.

Confident, self-assured; a statement of unparalleled self-mastery

I’m sorry hold on — What? Yeah. Elephants. No? Lions? Huh. Really? What are Elephants then? Just big fellas with good memories? Pactoderm. Pack? Pack-a-derms.

The Tea Pot
For those of us with bad backs, even the twenty to thirty seconds spent standing at the urinal can be an excruciating ordeal. The support provided by a single hand spent steadying the back can be the difference between a night full of restless and enspasmd fits of half-sleep and the long winter’s nap needed to snag that big promotion!  {{Be careful}} however, as certain vertebrae can cause the body to emit steam (instead of urine) when pressed!  This Steam Will Be HOT and also SMELL.

TWWWWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTT

Works best with boot cut pants.

The Tea Kettle
Just like the Tea Pot except you reach your arm over the top of your head in a vain attempt to accomplish anything other than your own humiliation. {{Be careful}} your other arm has no idea how to react to this and will Freak The Fuck Out! Spillage is LIKELY. Ditto SHUNNING or GELDING if you are caught!

Those are motion arrows!

Works worst.

The Prima Ballerina

It's artistical because all the pee still ends up in the pee hole

Elegant, but unpretentious.

Advanced Techniques

The Zack Morris
Hands behind the head, the embodiment of cool. Urinal bounds, like all societal norms conform to fit you. Even without shades on you have shades on. Life is a B*E*A*C*H and you are fucking that b*e*a*c*h.

Like a trapper keeper came true, grew human genitals

* = plowing so good cha-ching noises happen (as represented by asterisks).

The Mannequin
Step One: Stand there
Step Two: WAIT
Dressed only in forest green underpants, make yourself completely still. Expressionless, breathcontrolled, nipples crazily huge/erect for some reason, but also droopy.
Wait until someone comes by. Do not let their shock rouse you from your statelessness. Keep waiting. Let him touch you, poke you, mess with your hair (ideally you will have shaved all of it off and also lacquered your head and face). Do not give in. Make sure you practice rocking so that you don’t accidentally bend at the knee and RUIN IT.
Then, when they finally give in, whip out, and start to pee– PEE WITH THEM.
The exact flow, fullness, splatter and hue. You are two men with one stream. If he slows you slow. If he pinches off, you make that urethra constrict. Other than your piceps, do not move a single muscle you scum. You Little Soiled Child, You Precious (Patient) Little Boyfilth.

. .

When he is done you finish as well.
When he turns around, Good night.

The Slip n’ Slide

"the urinal is even over here"

A total PISSASTER

The Red Baron
A modified version of your standard Ten and Two, the Red Baron is an ace shot. Neither bursts nor sprays, curves nor sliders, slurves, pissmists, nor even the legendary ‘chunk’ shot are out of his range. Stand back and watch a master at work. (Note: it is actually socially acceptable to peep a Red Baron).

While he's peeing, Louie Louie out of nowhere / http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oxzg_iM-T4E

The Phantom Menace
Just keep on laying eggs. The whole time. Murderful, suffocating, gross local eggs.

I'm sorry.

So gross.

The Chatterbox
Worst by far– outpacing even the dreaded Slip n’ Slide by a Christian mile*– the  Chatterbox is a pariah at all civilized urinals. There are no words, or at least there shouldn’t be. God. GOD. You ASSHOLE. What are you EVEN SAYING. I am TRYING to PEE.

Almost went with 'peeriah'

*you don’t worry about distance, the lord will provide OR the distance Jesus had to go to get cruced.

The Stall

How dare you escape this bizarre de facto male ritual / exhibit consideration for others bladder timidity

You coward.

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