104. One sustained kiss
The human kiss is one of the greatest marvels of human engineering. Invented in 1923 by cinematogrphaer Floyce Hopfpfeffer, the kiss was greeted with widespread condemnation when first introduced, as it meant that on-screen couples would no longer be required to give each other quick handees when the script called for them to demonstrate affection. Public opinion soon changed, however, as the world discovered not only how enjoyable the sensation of two tongues touching could be, but were also gifted the increased freedom and productivity of a life less constant carpal tunnel syndrome/penile chaffing. Out of the great decade of fads, the kiss has proved to be longest lasting and most universally beloved, narrowly beating out ‘economic-collapse-inducing hypercorruption’.
So why not celebrate this testament to human ingenuity/weird wet firm softnesses?
How long can you sustain one kiss? Akekachai and Raksana Tiranarat did it for 46 hours, 24 minutes, and 9 seconds. Why?1 Besides having to do one kiss the whole time, they were not allowed to go to a bathroom or sit at all (for some reason). Really, this seems as much a record for standing as anything else. Jesus Christ. Were they immediately taken to the orthotics store to get fitted for the lower-body reconstruction braces they’ll need to wear for the rest of their lives? Before the Tiranarats, the longest kiss was 33 hours even, and over the past decade had only increased by four hours. Why add another 13 and a half? What are you trying to prove, Thailand? (Is this some kind of lese majeste thing? (Did the King put you up to this?))2
But seriously, check out the vids.3 A) unattractive,4 B) like being the appellee of the dead-eyed but desperate pecks of the just-dumped, those kisses are not kisses anyone would ever want to participate in. Since you will never match, or never want to match, the actual record, why not (instead) see how long you can for real kiss. For this date– for the whole date– kiss. Just once. Just one sustained, actual, passionate kiss. When you enter the door, start kissing. Then keep kissing that one kiss. As long. As you can. And then when it is over you leave. Date over! Or better yet, just meet somewhere and start doing it– on the street, in a bar, a coffeeshop, church, at the marriage of your most spought ex,5 at your parent’s funeral, wait this is my mom’s funeral, no I think I know my mom when I see her, but that’s my m-oh-my-god, oh god oh god, Auggh why- why didn’t I ask how you knew her name and everybody else’s name and looked like them also and me, this is just like dad’s wake all over again, or while ice skating.
Make sure you do tongue calisthenics beforehand. In order to maximize limberness and flexibility, and to avoid getting potentially romantically devastating tongue splints, make sure you do some kind of tongue calisthenics beforehand. In fact, it would be in your– as well as your date’s– best interest for you to put yourself on an active tongue-strengthening regimen, starting a week to a month before the date, and to not ever stop doing it. The tongue: it’s your most important fuck muscle! Aaron Copland’s Connotations.6
Here are some exercises you can do in the privacy of your own home: light kissing, light pussy eating/dick sucking, keep a tiny balloon afloat, if you get real good you can work your weigh up to a regular ball, and then a weighted ball, remove and regrout kitchen floor, lollipops, bathe a kitten, drink like a hamster from now on, toss salads (re: buttholes), toss salads (re: vegetables),7 tie/untie cherry stem knots, tie/untie shoelace knots, tie/untie wood knots,8 really thorough pussy eating/dick sucking, learn TSL, learn glossaphore, learn morse code and then get some kind of digital morse code button surgically implanted in your soft palate, or I guess a tongue stud, just start accosting people on the street symbolically threatening to eat their pussy/suck their dick by way of tongues and fingers and then do it, a lot.
Whatever you do, do NOT do any tongue twisters. Excessive tongue twisting can result in hingetongue, and no one wants to make out with a bendy straw.
Warning: even having done all the proper exercises you still run the risk of inducing tongue fusion. IN CASE OF FUSION just remember these three simple tips
You have one tongue now, be careful not to bite it
I mean seriously, your biting days are pretty much over
You still have to brush your teeth though.
Nose breathing – arguably the most crucial skill to master, make sure you don’t die or else gross. Although, I mean, that would be pretty intimate– dying inside somebody’s mouth and all. Sure: it’s a major gambit. But in terms of unforgetability you will put Natalie King Cole’s crack-induced shamelessness to actual shame, creating some kind of shame paradox. Politicians spouting wall-to-wall lies without compunction or consequence! Major media news reports on and celebrity peeners and labiae! Dr. Drew! Oh no! ITS ALREADY HAPPENED!! CAN NO ONE UNREND THIS NIGHTMARE VEIL??? So, yeah. Breathe through your nose, stupid.
Ear drinking – since your lips will have to be sealed the whole time you’re kissing, you will be unable to ingest any liquids – but don’t worry! I’ve got you covered. Now, the government doesn’t want you to know this, but– all of your faceholes are fungible. An eyehole is as good as a nosehole, a mouth is as good as an ear, and a really badly infected pore is the exact same as an abscess.9 If you and your date find you’re getting a tad parched, help each oth-ear out10 and pour steaming hot tea down their head. Also a milkshake.
Pay attention – Ok, you like kissing. You’re really good at it. You don’t just stick your lips on their lips add tongue and call it a day– you lead, you react, you– I don’t actually know how to do good kisses/have never actually kissed anyone before (am I even close?). But even the most conscientious kisser is going to struggle to stay on top of their game after two hours. Here’s some tips on how you can stay attentive and walk out with a devastating win (from which your date will never recover):11
- clip a chip clip on your dick/clit
- that’s it
- just do that one
Underwater Breath Training – Now that you’ve been prepped on the importance of breathing as it pertains to the space-time rescue of the entire human race, it is space-time to build up your capacity to hold your breath.12 No one likes warm nose air all over their cheeks– upstairs or downstairs. Boogers diffuse, everyone knows this. Hot snot is nobody’s friend. What am I even saying. Just, find a pool and make sure you have friends to make sure you don’t die. I. I need to sit down.
Sensory Deprivation – Just as runner’s trick themselves into thinking they experience a ‘runner’s high’ in order to try to trick dumb idiots with weird incentive structures into ruining their knees so the runners can salvage the uncorrupted bone and cartilage in order to further fortify their unholy mega knees, kissing beyond a certain limit will transport you, mind & soul, to a Space Odyssey-style hallucinatory edenic all-ennveloping neon space-womb (and subsequent well-appointed but oddly sterile space-room). Your body doesn’t go anywhere– it stays there because you Need To Keep Kissing if you want to have any chance at an audience with the space-baby. Don’t let the monolith that is watching your own dumb corpse die intimdate you. Just Keep Kissing. That baby is cool as HELL. Spoiler Alert.
Some Kind of Tongue Sleeve/Lip Laminate – or tongue strengthening alloy? Or a tongue suit, made out of tongues. Perhaps a horse tongue that you just slip your own human tongue inside of. Or, if you’re pretty ruthless, an actual human tongue. No. I’m sorry. I just made myself sad. Don’t do that. Or at least beat up an organ donation transport specialist and snag a corpse tongue. Do they transplant tongues? Can I have one that does that cool tripartite fold thing? Does that help at, you know, ‘oral exams’? What? Don’t take that face with me. Ok, sure– the use of exam in a sexual + vaginal context is perhaps not the most erotical of innuendo. But, I mean, c’mon. …I just want to get on you, mouthways.
1Seriously– how come?
2This is where a The King and I reference would be if I had ever seen that thing. / Uh… Yul Brynner!
4Burn/you were thinking it! Probably! I was! 😦
5Like hated but for spite– maybe you’ve had worse exes, but none so crushable. Tracks both venom towards & efficacy of petty retributions / satisfaction there derived.
7The amount of linguodexterity it takes to create the perfect balance of lettuce, cucumbers, bell peppers, shredded carrots, croutons, and dressing would impress even the most standoffish or jaded of gentlenesses.
8Remove the wood knot (with your tongue) or, experts only, create the wood knot with your tongue.
9That may accidentally actually be true… (gross).
10The government is also allergic to puns; SMOKESCREEN! The sound of laughter from behind a wall of smoke then coughing.
11Spiritually, not physically or emotionally– faith: shattered, new god: you. I HOPE YOU LIKE ANOINTINGS!!
12The space? Underwater! The time? 4+ minutes (or until you don’t die over and over again until that deathcheat barrier is way later than it used to be)