16. Drinking Games
Let’s say you trust this complete stranger. Let’s say you trust them enough to purposely make yourself vulnerable in front of them AND have them make themself purposely uninhibited while you do so. Let’s say that’s the kind of guilt you have inside of you, or shame, or lack of faith in your ability to be engaging, that the annihilation of your for actual personality (at the cost of some degree of agency) is step one on your path to making a good impression. Or maybe (instead of guilt) a piercing self-knowledge to know, and abundant integrity to admit, that you are that dull. OR YOU JUST LIKE DRINKING.
Getting to know you – Take turns making statements about the other person. Each time you’re [right/wrong] take a drink.
a) choose wrong if you are a pious puzzler who thrills to the gamesmanship of meeting and figuring out new people;
b) choose right if you have a deep-seated love of bullshit and (more than anything) enjoy the exhilaration of a ridiculous surprise.
So, sort of an Ant v. Grasshopper/Goofus v. Gallant deal.1
You were born on a railroad car
No. Of course not.
Ok, you are twenty…eight.
I am *drink* And you’re… twelve.
*drink* Twen…teen. *drink*
… I have to go.
Ideally you will either both be playing in good or both be playing in bad faith.
That Handslapping Game But With Drinking – Place both of your hands out, palms up. Then have your date place their hands above yours, palms down. Then have them move their hands out of the way and use them to fill your up-cupped palms with liquor and then replace their palms over yours. Then slap your palms together and then lick each others’ palms. Take turns if you must. This… seems wrong.
People who enjoy this game may also enjoy Everytime You Stick Your Finger Through My Belowwaist “OK” Sign I Have To Take A Drink (But If You Don’t Do It In Time I Get To Take A Drink)2
Never will I ever – originally designed in nursing homes to juice up/soften up/ensweeten the recently unencumbered/newly enwidowed elderly, this game consists of saying a future event, development, or discovery and then taking a drink (or swapping a pill) if you will be dead before it happens. The combination of mortality and crazy amounts of fucked-up juice makes this game a total depends dropper.
PROTIP: Once you’re seeing liver spots cut to the chase and drop a “me ploughing you.” As you should by now be well aware, you’ve got limited time and shouldn’t be wasting it fucking around. Just fucking.
For those of us who theoretically have long eventful lives ahead of us as long as the aneurysm in our brain doesn’t pop,3
we can adapt this game to a less speculative sci-fi guesstimation contest by treating it like a flipped Never have I ever, in which the date and dater take turns saying things they never will do. A mix of ‘things of which I have no interest in doing’, ‘things which I have no aptitude for/opportunity at’ and a few speculative responses is ideal.
The DRINKfinitive interview – empty your pockets. Both of you. Don’t argue with me, just do it. Put all your folded slips of paper with questions on them face down or folded in a pile on the table.4 Mix ’em all up. Hopefully you will have used the same kind of paper, otherwise you may want to bother your waitfo5 for a bag, large opaque glass, or if you’re someplace fancy, a hat from the hat check. If they’re resistant, slip ’em a five. If they look at you with pity and contempt, vainly try to save face by acting like you want change. And that they should know that. Didn’t you hear me, sir or ma’am? Change, please! Store this moment for later when you’re cursing yourself while jerking it.6
Once you’ve put all your slips in a grabbable context, take turns pulling one out and asking the question inside. What makes this different than a DEfinitive interview, you ask? Not much! But here are some more sample question slips you can use:
- I like you more than [blank] but not as much as [blank]
- What is your weakest joint? [promise not to use against them]
- Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall: when will you die and how?
- If you had a time machine: why? What did *you* do to deserve such an honor?
- Will I break up with you or will you break up with me? How/why?
- How good are you at it?
- Which superpower would you rather have: tininess or stretching?
- I don’t think I like [liked thing]
- If you could have any cake frosting decoration which’n?
- Which is your favorite beetle?
- What flavor shampoo? Which odor deodorant?
- ##Tell them what their sexfulest part is##
- !WPM Typing Contest! / (-1wpm for each typo) / [See p339 in the Addendapendices for test text]
- Alpha-bits or Cheerios? (What’s your fav educational cereal)
- Did anybody make dimatap a drink a yet? Amoxocyllin?
- Lasers or gels?
- A barber cuts the hair of every person in town who doesn’t cut their own. Does he live out of town or does he let it ride?
- Applesauce is a pretty good sauce, what fruit should we as a species sauce next?
- Who broke your heart and why?
- ##Who broke your heart and why##
- H O T D O G T O P P I N G S
- Collapse of the American Empire: +/- 10 years
- Worse burn: Shitney Poostain, or Whitney Houston (but you say it exactly the way you think of her)?
- Sing to me a little
RUMMY VARIANT – in this version, more of a game is made of the interview process. Answer: yes, you can drink rum while doing it. But the number and quality of puns you make about doing so can be used against you in the court of love– Judge Phinnea Albolineata Carbanos de Love, Trial Division of the International Criminal Court tribunal for Crimes of Aggression. So keep ’em few and fragrant unless you want to go to the Hague.7/8
- Keep picking slips until you have a hand of ten (seven if you are double dating or involving public weirdos).
- At the beginning of your turn draw another slip.
- There’s gotta be a way to meld these things but I haven’t really though this far. Get back to me. email@example.com
- Just ask questions, I guess.
excerpt Thwaite v. Imendez, the honorable Judge Langford presiding
“Your honor, Mr. Imendez secured my client by shouting ‘citizen’s arrest’ over and over at the top of his lungs while crying and hitting him with a baking sheet, we are not dealing with a man competent to determine what is or is not a criminal action.”
“I just wanted to help *starts crying again*. He hurts these girls. Bad.”
“Objection, your honor”
“Now the defense would like to discuss the issue of Mr. Imendez’s 8 years back rent– isn’t this why you’ve come up with these spurious and horrifying allegations, Goofus”
“*choking back tears* But he said ‘Gallant doesn’t let his friends pay rent because friends help friends *starts crying again* who help friends mix drinks'”
2. You may want to have poison control/every hospital on speed dial for this one
3. Sorry, Marion. (Yes, you– you! Marion).
4. If for some reason you did not go out on your date prepared (i.e. with folded-up slips of paper with questions on them in your pockets), this could still be interesting using the things in your wallet or purse. I guess.
5.what’s a waitfo? Because your table won’t set itself! Srsly tho, waiter & waitress are sexist, but waitperson is oddly/paradoxically dehumanizing. Instead, try Waitfo™! It’s short for waitfolk and is legitimately fun to say! (Or, for a contrary flavor, try barister (for a male barista)! It sounds like a gendered term so why not make it one / they are probably definitely judging you so it is kind of accurate).
6.You stupid shitty unlovable— change!– idiot. IDIOT. You’re an idi- idi- i- i. I. I’m ok. [huff] I’m ok now.
7.JK, you’re (almost definitely) not African.
8.alt. version- …can be used against you in the court of ship– Judge John Wesley Shipp. And then a buff 50-something year old man starts running around you in circles holding his index fingers out up against his head backwards (like wings) and making ‘whoosh’ noises.