If we want to stay in power, if we want to keep 24-38% of the nation’s wealth amongst us 1%, we’ve gotta start creating NEW dumb divisions…
Spits v. Swallows
If we’re going to stay in with the youth crowd, but also far enough back so as to seem hopelessly out of date and therefore ineffectual, we’re going to have to finally start getting more hands-on sexually. Or should I say mouths-on?1
The latest research from our youth culture division shows that Average Teen ’98 is highly invested in sucking dicks. They just can’t get enough. Not only receiving, but giving. Giving!
Now, riding the success of the circumcised vs. hooded split, I can’t overstate how sensitive and responsive an area the dick is. If we can work this tip we’ll be able to lick , wait a second. Who wrote this copy?? Allen? ALLEN!2
Asleep v. Awake
You know what’s really dragging this economy down, it’s all those do-nothing asleeps. “I cyan’t wyrork. I nyeed to tyemporyarily syusspyend cyonciousnyess and nyon-yautonyomic byodyily fyunction yn yorder tyo myaintyain pryoper yopyreration yof myy myental fyacultyies.” Lazy zzzgers.
Advantages: they should be easy to demonize as they literally do nothing. Productivity drops between 100-100.002% (undoing the labor of a well-made bed, eating 3-6 of our most industrious spiders a year, re-urinating our carfeully de-urinated sheets)3 when you sleep. Play in to race/class sensitivities here by using a real Rosario type in our squandered tucks graphics;4 I could have sworn there was some kind of rags-to-riches spider rapper my kid likes– get him too.
We’re farming similar territory as to our perennial race-baught harvest here, but with the added benefit of no victim/power gap to exploit. In this scenario, we are the ones taking on Big Shuteye. No Goliath need be manufactured, or David bullshat.5
If the fact that every single person on earth is guilty of being a filthy dozebeast gives you pause as to what leverage we’ll be able to generate with this tact, please recall our past, current and future successes re: abstinence, pornography, gayness, really all human sexuality. As always, people will be lining up to cast stones at the mirror and have them hit somebody else.6
Furthermore, the latest from our anecdotal department has found that at least 1 in 7 of them are just doing that to get out of sex you’re pretty sure well I’ll show them I’ll come on too strong to the new temp and get fired and then whose bed will you be ‘asleep’ in? A. Not Mine!7
Ultrapoor vs. Megarich
I know, I know. Poor vs. Rich is exactly what we’re trying to avoid, and we’re even less partial to the numbers on Increasingly Poor vs. Increasingly Rich. But we can’t just sleight of hand all conflict to manufactured wedge issues and powerless scapegoats.9 By moving the battlefield to the furthest extremes of wealth inequality we not only proactively redefine terms/set an agenda least likely to succeed in affecting disruptive change, we can actually even the numbers slightly– and tip the power balance nigh-infinitely– in our favor. It’s not the top 1% vs. the bottom 80%, but the top %1 of %1 versus nobody cares to count.
Advantages: The ultrapoor are not sexy. Your daughter does not want to ride away on the motorcycle with some ultrapoor Romeo/James Dean-type. A) they don’t have motorcycles, that is just the sound of their untreated TB; b) even if they did they have motorcycles they would be too loaded down with bagsful of bags and etable trash that she couldn’t fit (nor would she want to); and, c) they don’t ‘type’ by star but by smell.11
We are talking about a segment of the population most of whom are too (actually) crazy to have been able to hang by a thread with the regular poor– and the regular poor are crazy enough to support and defend us in everything we ever say or do. Against whom we will offer our most impervious, our most insulated, our most detached from society and our most impossible to understand. Hedge-fund managers, quasi-anonymous capital I ‘Investors’, heirs and heiresses, proximity to computers, (what is a) leveraged buyout… how can you fight something that isn’t anything?
Bonus: a good and easy dive to take. Ultimately we ‘lose’ and we have to allot some tax-write offs towards (society-wise) palliative medical treatment, shelters, a (genuinely) too sad ad campaign13 and are forced to reap good press and credibility. In the mean time, the ostensible arc of some dumb comedies make this generation’s Christopher McDonald look a cartoon while we build on previous race/class divisions, feat. a multiplying effect so special k that Keynes will be pissing corn flakes in his grave on our crowning achievement: the city/suburb/country triumverate.
Ultrapoor vs. Megashark
On the other hand… no. NO. Don’t give into temptation. The Coming Full-On Dystopia will be here soon enough and you will be its Leonardo. Its Newton. Its Brian Eno. All of your craziest, most hilarious, ahead of its time work will come true. Patience.
1. No. We shouldn’t. I can’t imagine what that would even mean as a figure of speech. I guess, perhaps, a more talk, less action version of hands-on? Or, to fit our context, the mouth synecdochic for ideas, and the broad manipulation of soft cultural forces in order to affect change (or squash it), as opposed to the more (figuratively) ‘hands-on’ efforts such as legislation, rights-curbs, or fomenting violence or revolution. In retrospect, Yes. We absolutely should start saying mouths-on. Keep it internal while we closed-beta/bug hunt (obviously very VERY vulnerable to cheap innuendo and mockery– but that can be a strength (see: tea-bagging) especially when abstracted enough from our cause/person so as to not be inescapable i.e. Santorum), but Yes.
YES: we are MOUTHS_ON
2. Allen has made some very hard men very — ALLEN!!!!!
3. Technically this produces approximately %0.6 of our annual shame reserves, but it still can’t recoup our loss in arachnophobia-driven house-flight-based commerce. Semper fi, you fearless mouth pioneers.
4. Also: see if we can get that Karen to have sex with me
5. Bullshot? Bullshod. You don’t need to shoe a cow. THE COW SHOES YOU
6. Previous pro-moral campaigns (Snow White, Dorian Gray) by our antagonists over at CIS have gladly failed at shattering the appeal of the magic mirror.
7. Whether this is because of you’ve been left, or can no longer afford to stealth finance your secret in-city cheatin’ condo, hey, that’s one less mouth to seed. Ew.8
8. Between-the-lines super-burn: even your ‘goomar’ has gone sweatpants and facial-(-the-bad-kind-) on your dumb dick.
9. Actually, if past experience is a reliable precursor for future results, we absolutely can. It just gets So Boring. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it to hoard all this wealth and power and status to the maximized exclusion of our fellow man. I mean, you’ve popped one cherry of a future A-list Hollywood starlet10 while jet-skiing in the world’s only man-made/underground sea, you’ve popped them all.
Even Megan Mullally (some day).
10. Darryl Hannah
11.Namely: body-dominant, piss-driven, poop, and $&%^^@12
12. pronounced as uncontrollable weeping
13. Bonuser: try to get nets to play disproportionately during ad breaks on any journotainment that tries to actually try — they will change that channel so fast.