Determine Your Worth as a Couple
How and why are you better than every couple? What about the ones that you are worse than? How and why will you rationalize your obvious inferiority into a virtue of some kind?1
– Interpret their unassailable and effortless perfection as arrogance, stuckupitude
– Straight mockery — all hypothetical slipper-fetches and night pipes, all Darlings and Jim Dears
– Go with The Old Canard (i.e. anyone that pretty can’t be smart or interesting)
– If they are white, some sort of aryan jab
– If they are not white, the smug but deeply secreted/sick self-satisfaction that (probabilistically) you’ve still got that going for you
– If both, by admitting your defeat gracefully JK making a remark about how trendy that is now.
A remark from which you, on the invisible ledger of not being an insecure piece of shit, will never recover. Such are the dangers of being an insecure piece of shit. But I digress…
You’re in the grocery store. It’s Sunday morning. All the real couples have flocked to get did their re-stocking for the week ahead. And you’re there too. The couples seem happy enough to varying degrees. One not-so-much couple is obviously upset about something. A puts a box of cereal in the cart and B takes it out and puts it back on the shelf without hesitation. Later, A notices and B plays dumb. How do you even get to that point. What are you even doing. But mostly the couples range from ‘just fine’ to ‘so happy to even (just) be together’. Where will you range?
- 1. So Happy To Even (Just) Be Together: pure duprass
- 2. SuperContent: a love comprising more than one contented core / your contentedness is the contentedness brought into being by the sum of all relationships to justify their notions of contentedness / note to self: remember to use supersaturated as some over-clever measure of next-level pussy wetness
- 3. Hazy-eyed: a look is still A Look
- 4. Happy: smile on proximity – genuine/shows up on camera; “lucky, fortunate, contented with ones lot”
- 5. Just Fine: everything is a-ok
- 6. Just Fine: everything is eh, ok
- 7. Lazy-eyed: one eye trying the whole time to find something better
- 8. Not Happy: But you’ve got tv (see Unhappy)
- 9. Unhappy: Dictionary-diving at 4am2
- 10. Shopping Cart Lashouts: Please, you don’t need to do this. Someone else will fuck you maybe.
- 11. Why?: how come?
The art of comparison is so crucial to our identities that the (mostly worthless) Venn Diagram is one of the first non-arithmetic mathematical concepts you learn at your socialization boot camp, elementary school. Without plenty of examples and counter-examples of romantical contentedness, how would you know just how shitty your shitty relationship is/how would you know whether you should be happy about this thing that is happening to you?
+ Sure, you could trust your feelings. When have *they* ever led you astray? Oh, every moment of every day of your entire life? And you sort of wish you’d chosen ‘unfeeling robot brain plus intermittent regularly scheduled pleasure/pain subroutine’ instead? Well chewy nougat, snickers– you picked ‘fucking nuts’.
+ Sure, you have nice conversations, but so did your parents probably, and now they watch 12+ hours of Bravo each week– and that’s not even counting A&E and Laws & Order/CSsI.3
+ Sure, the sex is great but orgasms are cheating i.e. dopamine more like dope-of-you, making…4 OH! Wait: even a broken cock can make you cum twice a day.5 Or a broken clock for that matter– get that second hand clicking just against th– [ahem –ed.] But, again, I digress…
Your only hope is context. Place your faith in the Great All-Connecting Tautology (or GACT) of society– in and against the Fellow Lives Of Adjacent Menkind6— and judge away. They’re certainly demonstrative, but I think their constant contact protest too much; we don’t need to prove our love/our affection is doth-less. They seem rill happy, but who wouldn’t be thrilled to find the only person on earth who would flow through those channels. Oh man, we used to be them but now we’re us; they’ll be us soon enough but by then will we be all used up. Shit. Don’t look too close, here comes one of those 10×10 couples that defy context/make all FLOAM brittle and crumbly and worthless by comparison…
If you could *just* watch them fuck, think of what you could learn.7 Their sex is no doubt one thousand times better than yours. They feel the earth move at three orders more magnitude. Their beast has 200 backs. Their actual act is more thorough: more thoughtful, but simple; aggressive but, as apt, delicate. As apt as it is effortless, unaffected. More sincere, but with a certain playfulness to it. More actual, somehow– not hyperreal, not soreal,10 but just the case, non-semantic.11 More Than Words.
Every motion is as if freed from marble– it is (as it has always been) the exact right thing to do. Bernini detail with Brancusi efficiency.12 Not reactive, but preactive. Some edenic state of pre-cognition, some perfect mindlessness, in which all barriers between them cease to exist– locked in a pan-dimensional kiss13 that is temporary only in Time.
BUT, also, unlike everything I just described, something that you would enjoy and absolutely want to participate in.
BUT, also, again, I digress…
So you’ll never be stars exploding in then night or electric eels under the covers.14 Who is? Other people who are better than you? Almost certainly. But you will never know for sure how many and how much better until you determine your worth as a couple. Do it.15
1. How: likely through one of the methods listed; Why: because you are a bad person/net bad people
3. Excepting, of course, Criminal Intent reruns.
4. I’m sorry.
5. I apologize. (That’s not even a play on words…)
6. Eh? eh? Remember those?
7. Correction: not learn, but observe. Just because you saw the 1995 Western Conference Finals doesn’t mean you’re likely to dream shake The Admiral anytime soon.89
9. Dream Shake The Admiral: euphamism for masturbation, hj (vs. a man), or to bring someone to orgasm in general? Would you dream shake the admiral (a discrete act) or would you be up and down the floor all night giving the admiral the dream shake? Probably definitely the latter.
12. This is really cool http://tinyurl.com/bronzepolisher
14. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwlfTBR-LNA / I couldn’t get all the way through either
15. (Measuring) tape your life… please!
Tags: "106 Cheap and Creative Dates (For The Upcoming Depression)", citation sickness, GACT & FLOAM, giving the admiral the dream shake, Henny Youngman, over-wrought AND self-indulgent, staring at people in supermarkets