#545 & #368

A. I want to touch you every single place
B. Yeah?
A. Yeah.
B. Well what’s the hold up
A. I’m stuck behind bars
B. Oh, right.
A. In the big House. Can’t get out.
B. This must be a lonely time for you.
A. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.
B. How so?
A. Cellmates.
B. Oh right.
A. It turns out prison, is not the best place to hold an awesome manners contest.
B. I hope they’re not mistreating you.
A. Well. It could be worse.
B. That’s a relief.
A. Is it?
B. That was code for you haven’t been raped, right?
A. Yeah.
B. That’s a relief, then.
A. Yeah
B. What? This was your own dumb idea
A. Yeah…
B. We don’t have to keep doing this, you know. It is still a free country.
A. It is?
B. Yeah! Totally. Well… sort of.
A. Mm. Like the sound of that. What’s it like on the outside?
B. Of prison? Or, of the solar system?
A. No we did stranded astronaut last time.
B. In space no one can destroy your butthole in the shower.
A. In space there is also no exit strategy.
B. Wha? I found an extra space rocket. And went to space in it. So you could touch on me.
A. I do like touching on you.
B. Spoilers!
A. Do you think I would like you better if you had spoilers?
B. Like, secrets?
A. No. Like a tail fan.
B. I… can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.
A. I am being sincere.
B. Really.
A. Yeah. I just want to know if you think that I think that.
B. Oh.
A. I’m not saying I want to get on a Ferrari.
B. I don’t really know how I would have a spoiler. Or why.
A. Well if it’s any consolation I’m pretty sure no one knows why they have a spoiler.
B. Is it a wind resistance thing?
A. Probably not. And you could have one just natural. You were born with it.
B. Wait. So is it some kind of skin and bone spoiler?
A. No. It’s metal.
B. So in this scenario I killed my mom coming out of the womb. Or at least , ugh. Nope. Can’t think about it.
A. No. She’s fine. It grows with you. Somehow.
B. Huh.
A. I don’t think I would want you to have one permanently but it would be cool for a little while.
B. Huh
A. Is the answer.
B. What exactly about my spoiler would do it for you?
A. Touching on it, for one.
B. It’s metal, tho
A. I touch metal. I’ve touched hay. I’ve touched fire. I’ll touch any stupid thing.
B. No. I mean. Where’s the pleasure in that. Skin’s soft and has that fleshiness to it. It provokes a response– a series of responses even.
A. Oh, the metal is connected to you on the inside also. So it also — you feel it.
B. It has nerve endings?
A. I don’t know about that per se, but it responds the same. Or similar.
B. And it’s metal.
A. Instead of skin, yes.
B. Is this just a boredom thing?
A. I ain’t bored with you yet. Don’t bother.
B. Ain’t bothering. I mean, is it more, a variety thing. What would metal be like.
A. Hm. It is, partly. But…
B. But?
A. Well, if it was just a variety thing I think it would’ve made more sense to imagine you a robot or android or even just a cyborg of some kind.
B. So that the metal was entirely my skin?
A. Yeah. I mean, now that I say that, that is definitely an interest. Probably moreso than a spoiler, but…
B. But.
A. There’s something about it as an object. Off of you but also a part. Like a fat tail.
B. A fat metal tail.
A. I could hold onto it like handlebars while getting mouths-on witchoo.
B. Witch me.
A. That could be good, too.
B. One at a time.
A. Some kind of robo-witch…
B. ##I Have Made >>FILTHY METAL CONGRESS<< With The Cyber-Beast##
A. ~ONE~ZERO~ONE~ZERO~ZERO~ONE~ONE~ZERO~ONE~ZERO~
B. Whus that?
A. It’s 666 in binary.
B. Oh. Cool.
A. Is it?
B. You know it’s actually 616.
A. No… I’m pretty sure that was 666.
B. No, I mean. The number of the beast.
A. Did they change it?
B. Sort of. Apparently it had been mistranslated all along, and it was supposed to be 616.
A. Huh.
B. I want to say it was supposed to be a reference to some kind of pope or anti-pope or maybe a Roman leader of some kind. Maybe Caligula? No wait, Nero.
A. This is really bumming me out.
B. Yeah. Three sixes is way cooler.
A. I’m actually a little sad now.
B. Aw. I mean, I could be misremembering this.
A. No, that sounds familiar.
B. Also, I mean. Folks also corrected the zodiac, finally, but I’m pretty sure everyone still uses their old signs.
A. They did what? Ah, c’mon!
B. That’s the advantage of believing in nonsense, though! Who cares if it’s right! You gotta demote Pluto but you can still be a May-birthday Gemini.
A. Man, I. I have to take a second to adjust to living in a 616 world.
B. Here. Rest your head on my spoiler.
A. Really?
B. It’s nice and cool and metal. Freshly waxed, hot yellow just for you.





A. Would you turn safe search off for me?
B. How do you mean?
A. If you were google searching my image, and you saw me. Would you want to see more?
B. Yes. Absolutely.
A. Ok, but, I mean, would you intentionally search me for the purpose?
B. Of seeing you nude?
A. Of seeing me filthy.
B. Ew.
A. Of seeing me nude, yes. Would you click that image tab knowing that you were going to turn moderate to unsafe.
B. Well, I always have safe search off. But yes. I would look for you that way.
A. Wait. How do you do that?
B. Turn safe search off?
A. Yeah.
B. Turn safe search, off.
A. But I do that! A lot! And it always just turns back to moderate after I close my browser.
B. Do you have cookies on?
A. No.
B. Well that’s why.
A. Huh.
B. If you want to automatically get every available gentleness you are going to need to let everyone on the internet always know where you’re at.
A. Really?
B. Well, even more so than you already do just from using it.
A. Sad.
B. Them’s the …
A. Tough cookies
B. Dah! Yes. It’s how they crumble.
A. Wait. Is tough cookies a phrase? Or is that just what a person is?
B. No, I’m pretty sure it’s a phrase.
A. So you want to see me naked.
B. Yes. A lot. Often.
A. Well if that’s not an invitation I don’t know what is.
B. Consider yourself R.S.V.P.’d
A. Recreationally Sexed Very Persuasively. ‘d?
B. Railme Si’l Vous Plait
A. Ah… Oui
—————– later —————–
B. Have you ever turned safe search off for me?
A. Do you have n00dz?
B. Ugh. No.
A. You seem very disgusted by that for someone who is currently quite n00d.
B. Don’t say it that way. Come on.
A. Sorry, d00d.
B. Geh. …have you, though?
A. I guess not, no.
B. Is it because you just assumed I didn’t have any hot(t) pix(x)?
A. Well I’m not sure why you get to say that and I don’t get to say n00ds, but yeah, more or less. It never occurred to me.
B. I don’t.
A. I figured.
B. Well, not online.
A. Mm. Really?
B. Yeah. I hope.
A. What are we talking about? Grainy sexts? Skeezy polaroids? Flash-in-the-mirror selfpix? Game Boy Camera fuckgif?
B. Actually, sort of all of the above.
A. Even–
B. Except the Game Camera Fuck Tape.
A. Game Boy Camera. Fuck Gif.
B. Yes. No.
A. Aw man, imagine if though.
B. Yes, it’s certainly the What If to end all What Ifs– are we really talking about Nintendos instead of my hot naked body and its ubiquity amongst pervy strangers?
A. Sorry. I’ll drop the nerd act and put on my possessiveness pants and jealousy… jodhpurs.
B. That’s two pairs of pants honey.
A. Yeah. In case I get a hole in one.
B. Asshole.
A. *bad joke dance*
B. Ugh. Moderate safe search back on *grabs pants, drapes over A’s it*
A. Aw. C’mon. And I hate to break it to you but you are definitely naked on the internet.
B. You said you never looked!
A. I mean, I haven’t actually seen you. Also, I’m not sure what kind of celebrity you take yourself for, but knowing your name wouldn’t exactly help.
B. Then how do you know I’m naked online?
A. I mean, I assume you sent these pics to other people and you weren’t just sexting yourself for creepy sadness purposes.
B. Well, yeah.
A. Well, there you go.
B. But they said they wouldn’t post them.
A. Ha. Ok.
B. What? You don’t know.
A. Sure, and I’m sure you’re also Still Being Friends.
B. More or less.
A. Wait, really? You’re actually still friends with your Pix Pal?
B. I’m still friends with all my Pix Pals.
A. Oh.
B. Oh, wow. What an ‘Oh’!
A. What?
B. What– c’mon. You were all excited about my Game Gear Blowjob Vids and now you look like you’ve seen a ghost. A bunch of ghosts. That I fucked. Also and Instead of you.
A. Game Boy, but that’s not it. I was just thinking that I guess that does actually decrease the chances that you’ll show up online.
B. Well I was just thinking that it’s a good thing you wore both of those pairs of pants.
A. Yeah. Well. Maybe. I guess.
B. Aw.
A. Whut.
B. Awww.
A. I don’t need your awe.
B. AwrrrrrrRRRR-ruff. Roo rroo.
A. Just your reverence and unquestioning, slavish devotion will suffice.
B. I am your dog at love.
A. And I your … bestiality enthusiast.
B. : /
A. You sort of painted me into a corner.
B. A creepy fuck corner.
A. The best kind of corner.
B. Rrrrrrrff RRrrr-rooof
A. Yeah. You get in that corner.
B. *Pants*
A. *Depants*

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