Derek: the man with the data plan

Tired of hacks, cracks and leaks?
Tired of worrying day and night about the security of your network?
Tired of being sick and tired?

Put your faith in The man with the data plan™…

– D * E * R * E * K  –

“Let me protect your data… I’ve got a plan!”©

Data is just ‘computer’ for a bunch of information. If you think about it that way, then the solution becomes obvious. Computer hackers can’t get your data if it’s not on your computer!”

“Let me protect your digital valuables in my analog safe!”℗

 

@ First, we write down all of your valuable data on a series of 3×5 cards

@ Our Data Transfer Technicians don’t speak English so they can’t steal your secrets!

@ In fact, they are so illiterate they’re EFL– they think that English is a future language that robots speak. As King of Robots, let me assure you– these poor souls are too afraid of my steel whispers to ever cross us!

@ We purposely mix the data of all our customers so that no hacker can find out which is which!

@ We still know, though, because we do it alphabetically *taps temple*

@ I’ve filled my entire computer network with viruses! If anyone tries to hack it, they’ll get a virus! If you get an e-mail from me, don’t open it! It’s probably a virus!

@ A good idea is a good idea: I’ve set up the same virus network to protect your physical data. I employ eight full time sickos– professional disease carriers— to cough and sneeze on, rub and lick and worse your data. Whoever tries to read these docs will have to go to docs. Tors. Plural. Because these guys have a literal swath of diseases!

@ Seriously, we found them rolling around in the wake of a recent harvest trying to get infested with weevils!

@ No hacker has ever gotten past our Alive Electric Fence!

Grooo!

Grooo!

@ I fill half of these balloons with shaving cream, half with your data. How do you know which is which? TRICK QUESTION! They’re all shaving cream.

@ Your data will be kept in the same blister packs that consumer electronics come in– aren’t those so hard to open! More like give yourself blister packs! It’s just a pair of headphones not the Queen of England, guys! ALSO YOUR DATA

@ I’ve been learning the ancient art of Gong Fu– that’s Chinese for Kung Fu; anyone who tries to even touch this data should expect to get butterfly kicked. HYah. Kiiyaoh. Cha-ah-ahhh. Oh my flexor. My hip flexor. Ohhh, darling. Oh darling.

@ Data? What data? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

@ Wink.

@ We’re building a croc-filled moat! It was sort of a package deal, so the crocs came at the same time as the moat-digging tools, so… remember to serpentine!

@ Belay that order– I’ve just been informed that you are supposed to run regular not zigzag! Sorry, Chad!

@ We bought every key rock– even the ones that the government doesn’t want you know about! Good luck figuring out which one has the real key to our Data Vault, hackers BECAUSE WE PUT THEM ALL IN THIS ABANDONED QUARRY WE BOUGHT

@ Free limestone slab with purchase of dataplan!

@ We bought the rights to Home Alones 2, 3 and 4 (and all traps contained within)! Oh no, you caught me! You better pull out those legs hiding under the bed that are definitely me! STUPID HACKERS

@ Any leaks are persecuted to the full extent of Talmudic law by our ~Ancient Hebrew Golem~!

@ You know that question mark jacket guy from the commercials? We assassinated him!

@ ~Just because~

@ We’ve invented our own proprietary form of binary that uses letters instead of numbers! With 26 to choose from it will be at least 13 times as hard to crack! G-O-O-D-L-U-C-K-H-A-C-K-E-R-S!

@ If we EVER let your data fall into the wrong hands we will hurl you & your data backwards around the sun at FTL speed so that you can never have hired us in the first place! We call it our “Slingshot Guarantee”!

@ LEGAL DISCLAIMER: “Slingshot Guarantee” is experimental and in no way a guarantee. Previous incidences have shown that causality is unaffected by slingshot: you will still hire us and we will still let you down (assuming you don’t die in the vacuum of space).

@ I get it: sometimes you need to access your stored data. Figured it out after the first lawsuit, ok Lawyers! Per the specifications of the American Legal System (Aguilar v. Derek “Man with the Data Plan” Obveato) we have just the plan for you! For no charge, we will make copies of your data that we will store on the free blog software of your choice. Livejournal, Blogger, WordPress, TypePad. Whatever you want! The password is: CarpParts.

@ We bought the Double Dare nose in an estate sale!

@ R.I.P. Harvey!

@ Our warehouses are on fire sometimes!

@ Oh– oh god! Oh god, our warehouses!

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