Q. Daffodil teacup like Willy Wonka — how to make? – YourCreditCard.org
A. Dear Your: I think the first step would be to make a regular daffodil that is able to hold liquid without leaking or falling apart. Buy up a whole bunch of daffodils– like, wait until the end of daffodil season and then harangue your daffodil man for some hot rates on bulk bulbs. Then, for 10 or 20 generations or so, cross-breed for durability and cup-bulbosity. This is where your 7th (8th?) grade knowledge of punnett squares is (finally!) going to come in real handy.
So far, duh. Doy, even. I apologize for condescending– I just wanted to show that I was legit. But don’t quit on me yet: here’s where the Whatever My Name Is Difference kicks in. At this point, most folks would just tell you to dunk your newly double-tuff daffodils in white chocolate (dyed yellow, of course) and call it a day. That’s alright (I guess) if you like white chocolate (I do; many don’t). Efficient, effective, effort-low-requiring.
This plan is a cop-out plan for bullshit people.
FUCK this plan.
Willy Wonka wouldn’t take the easy way out. He wouldn’t engineer extra-tuff daffodils just to chuck ’em in some goopy melted-down fake chocolate and then be okay with that (okay with biting through the thin candy shell to a mouth full of regular but extra fat flower). Willy Wonka would find a way to make those daffodils become sweet and delicious on their own sweet and delicious terms. Here’s how to do it:
It’s going to take a while, and there are better than even odds that you won’t come back alive. Well, figuratively speaking– it’s still just flowers/you’re not actually going to die. Unless you’re super allergic to daffodils, in which case, bad goal-having on your part. But if you can earn these daffodils’ trust, if you can be just so (fucking) sweet to them: if you tell them nice things– a good mix of nice things– some charming, some heartwarming, some precious, or adorable, or just the kinds of real nice things that all flowers long to hear. Play them acoustic guitar songs, extra acoustic. Maybe start singing “Daisy” but then when you are about to say “Daisy” change it to “Daffodil” on the long-a. They will be so over-won. They fucking hate how no one ever sings about them but always sings about daisies or (fucking) roses.
Later, when they’re not expecting it, kiss them on the cheek. (It’s the underlid of their tube). Tell them that you wanted to kiss them on the cheek but you didn’t know how to ask a daffodil if they want you to kiss them so you just did it. Make chlorophyll for them– homemade, extra fat porphyrin rings, just the way they like it.
Just be so fucking sweet to them that over time they turn sweet. Then, one day, destroy them with your mouth.
You’re Welcome, murderer!
Tags: edible daffodil teacup