Know Your Ghosts – Domestics pt. I

Know Your Ghosts: Domestic Jerks

 

Deodorant Mouse
What!? Are you KIDDING me?! I thought I had back-up deodorant for my back-up deodorant…
Oh deodorant mouse– if only you could have disguised your scent you would have never been caught and killed and disemboweled and eaten partially and buried and dug-back-up a few days later and chewed on some and re-buried and dug-back-up and left on my porch!

You're already a ghost! COME ON!!

But seriously– corporeal or not– if you take my Mitchum one more time I will cover your ass in glue and huck you down a mineshaft. I HAVE TO GO TO WORK! And now I have to do so smelling vaguely like a bed sheet got set sail with on a sea  made of human sweat. All spumed with pit froth and uncertain with the rank of junk whiff.

 

Argumentos
Argumentos feed off conflict– namely verbal conflict. Man vs. Man, or in the case of the crazy/lonely, Man vs. Himself. If you have a particularly malbehaved cat or dog you may be to push Man vs. Nature, but it’s an off-label use. Man vs. Society is out.
They love the heat. The feed on passion. Restraint tastes like graphite to them– fun to lick, disappointingly crystalline in taste, and hell on the teeth. ‘No thanks,’ they say, ‘you live for only a short time so why not eat only what you love’. Fair point, Argumentos. You’ll get no food from me. Now shoo. Skeedaddle!
Verbalized conflict fuels them, so in what is unquestionably a wise move, they’ve taken to seeding arguments and reaping the sweet screech harvests that grow.

Questionable Value Bonus: Argumentos will keep you in combatative relationship by any means possible so to get at your sweet argument meats. It will really Parent Trap it up– songs, pranks, scams. It would be well worth your while if you can pull off a fake fight, just to see what they’ll come up with.

Everything comes from somewhere; Pac-Man was raised by parents that FOUGHT

WARNING: make sure any potential suitors are out of a six mile radius before you start the fight. These Argumentos may have the maturity and ambitions of two young Haley Mills but they have the strength of two thousand Haley Millses and are still ruthless, in-or-ex-human ghosts.

 

Spirits
New Spirits are born from the corpse of every bottle you kill. Remember hangovers? Hangovers are Spirits that get trapped alive in your skull. They have to pound and keep pounding to try to get out– or find another exit. Skulls to Spirits are like lead to Superman(‘s x-ray vision), and yet they always bubble straight up to the head.

They're so scared just to exist!

Spirits occur in the form of bubbles. In weaker drinks you can even see them collect at the surface in anticipation of a new host. (Spirits need to occupy bodies in order to feel love). All things need to feel love. Even ghosts.

 

Poulterguy
After his big break (Haunting: Starring Poulterguy) fizzled, a humbled and clinically depressed Poulterguy was forced to return to his roots. Over his last 18 years running full-scale, multi-floor haunts on over 1,000 houses across the continent, Poulterguy has  developed an additional 50 domestic haunts to join those in his already devastating repertoire. Beware such gems as:

# toaster burns your toast but with a pattern of Poulterguy on it; after you’ve looked at it been disappointed and thrown it away a Mini Poulterguy will pop out of the toast, in the trash, where he belongs / !~!~!~SLIDING TRASHCAN~!~!~!

# coffeemaker keeps on pouring coffee into coffeepot until the coffeepot overflows; you unplug it but it keeps on making coffee and the !~!~!~COFFEE IS GREEN~!~!~!

# your cat or dog turns inside out and gets blood and intestines all over your carpet; it is now !~!~!~DEAD FOREVER~!~!~!

# who’s cutting vegetables? The vegetables are cutting themselves; and they !~!~!~HAVE NOT YET LEARNED ABOUT CUTTING BOARDS~!~!~!

the couch grows Twizzler lips; except instead of being made happy by Twizzlers it !~!~!~SINGS WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN -- THE MICHAEL BOLTON VERSION~!~!~!

# coasters? !~!~!~NOPE~!~!~!

# and when you do eventually find them they’ve been replaced by tiny landmines; the explosion itself is too small to hurt you directly, but neighbor children have been !~!~!~SUSPENDED INSIDE YOUR ICE CUBES (AND WHEN YOUR GLASS EXPLODES THE ICE CUBES SHATTER ALONG WITH IT (AND BY THIS POINT THE ICE WILL HAVE MELTED ENOUGH SO THAT THEY COME ALIVE JUST IN TIME TO REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE (THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT POULTERGUY SO THEY BLAME YOU (AND SO DO THEIR PARENTS (AND THE COPS (BUT THE STORY IS TOO FANTASTICAL THAT YOU GET OFF AFTER A LENGTHY TRIAL DUE TO LACK OF EVIDENCE (ITS VERY COSTLY (YOUR DEFENSE (BUT LUCKILY YOUR NEIGHBORS HAVE TAKEN THE VERDICT VERY POORLY AND WILL NOT STOP DEFAMING YOUR CHARACTER (SO YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO RECOUP YOUR LOSSES (AND ACTUALLY TURN A TIDY PROFIT) IF YOU”RE WILLING TO SUE THEM)))))))))))~!~!~!

Why did you put it in your mouth?

# he starts wearing your leather jacket around; afterwards it !~!~!~SMELLS AND TASTES A LOT LIKE BUTTERSCOTCH~!~!~! could be worse I guess...

# your ottoman now speaks fluent Turkish; it does not mind that you use it to rest your feet !~!~!~BUT IT KINDA WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT PREMIERE LEAGUE SOCCER AND OLD WCW MATCHES~!~!~! Also it turns to bones and mocks your Armenian friends.

# all your tomato juice has been transubstantiated into clamato; you really start to !~!~!~DEVELOP A FONDNESS FOR IT~!~!~!

# bedsheets immediately become untucked after you leave the room; while you are sleeping, Poulterguy takes pix of you huffing his ghost dick !~!~!~GOOD(?) NEWS: ITS INVISIBLE EXCEPT TO BIRDS AND SMALL CHILDREN~!~!~!

# crows seem to cat-caw you when you go to work, pigeons won’t look you in the eye, and ducks dangle it at your mouth. Luckily small children don’t have the internet. !~!~!~BUT WOE TO THOSE AMONG YOU WHO HAVE YOUR INFANT SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU/HAVE A CYBERBABY~!~!~!1

# out of nowhere, a Sega Genesis is hooked up to your tv and inside the game slot is a copy of Haunting: Starring Poulterguy; you start playing, having fun doing all his clever little haunts, but Poulterguy !~!~!~KEEPS RUNNING OUT OF PARANORMAL ENERGY! IN LIKE THREE MINUTES/FIVE HAUNTS! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN! THIS ISN’T THE ARCADE! I ALREADY SPENT 60 DOLLARS FOR THIS — JUST LET ME DO AS MUCH DUMB GHOST STUFF AS I WANT< POULTERGUY~!~!~!

I hate you, Poulterguy.

 

Sleep
Sleep ghosts sit on your face and die in your eyes, leaving their eponymous crusts in your tear ducts. They smack you in the back of the head when they sense you are weak, but their ability to contact your body has a different gravity and transmits only a slow, rubbery nod down/whip back up. Sleep ghosts taste like face. Salty face.

Sleep ghosts: what do they want? No one yet knows. It is possible they just enjoy the sport of dragging down prey so much larger than themselves and knocking them out, if only for 3 hours. Note: all sleep lasts 3 hours. Anything more is a serial occurrence or, more likely, just psychosomatic. Anything less is in part a waking dream.

Sleep ghosts have nothing to do with dreams. They do, however, have everything to do with morning wood. Your body knows what was done to it and it takes supreme satisfaction in lifespan exacting its oblivious revenge on the perpetrators of its quell state. Boner-ways.

Sleep ghosts are deathly allergic to night time air travel and yet thrive in day time air travel. I think it has something to do with the effects of light on recirculated air. Or the Sleep ghosts dependency on their victim’s context of comfort.
Sleep ghosts also hate couples. Strength in numbers– this is why no one sleeps at a sleepover. Or an orgy. The multiplicity of limbs makes it tough for them (too many unsoothable squashed spots). Lest this talk of soothing makes you question if perhaps the Sleep ghost is an ally not an axis,2 just think of how much more productive you could be if you didn’t lose a third of your life to ghost attacks?

What’s that? You don’t care about productivity? You like sleeping? It’s sort of like an episode of Intervention but for your whole body not just your brain and eyes? Karl Marx was right– you people are jerks!

 

"Have Some Self-Respect, Dummos!" - K. Marx

1. Do you think they would ever create a cyborg baby or is that just sort of a waste? Answer: Of course the will– wealth distribution gap, dummy!
2. they’re opposites, right?

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