#887

A. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
B. Hm. When did we leave?
A. Four days ago.
B. Welp. There you go.
A. No– Really?
B. I forgot my brush.
A. You could use mine!
B. Nehh. I, don’t do that.
A. But you DO not brush your teeth for four days?
B. Well. I’ve been using grass like floss…
A. … we’ve KISSED since then.
B. Yeah! Sort of a lot.
A. I think I might throw up
B. Oh, it’s not such a deal.
A. Really? I’m pretty sure I’ve just found out I’ve been making out with every meal you’ve ate for the last week.
B. Four days. And you didn’t even notice it until now, so it can’t have been that bad.
A.
B. … what are you doing?
A. I’m going to sterilize my mouth by heating this iron and using it to gouge out my eyes.
B. But that’s a kettle.
A. Or I’m making tea.
B. OOo. Make me some.
A.
B. Please.
A.
B. Don’t be angry. I’ve been chewing bark. Like Africa!
A. Bark is filthy, that makes it so much worse.
B. Yeah, well. I actually haven’t then.
A. Then?
B. Can we just change the subject? Your whole guilt trip is making my mouth hurt.
A. Don’t blame your gingivitis on my guilt. We still live in a world with cause and effect.
B. Do we?
A. Yes.
B. But how d
A. We do.
B. But what if we d
A. We don’t.
B. Don’t what?
A. I assumed you were going to postulate about ‘what if we didn’t’
B. … but then, if we don’t, I think you’re agreeing with me.
A. Fuck.
B. It’s ok. You can do that, you know.
A. Shit.
B. It’s not against the law.
A. I can’t believe this is how causality ends, not with a bang but with . But. um, With a. Uh
B. A botched snark.
A. Hm.
B. I, for one, always suspected it would end this way.
A. Death by comments section?
B. All that excess derision had to go somewhere, and Billy Bush can only absorb so much.
A. Ah. The Preenhouse Effect.
B. This is all Kathy Griffin’s fault.
A. Does… she even do snark? Or is it more gush and gash.
B. I don’t know. I’m not actually that familiar with her act. I just know that I hate her. Probably because she is a woman.
A. Huh. That really makes my gash comment look unflattering in context.
B. There are no accidents.
A. Curse you, patriarchal …patriarchy, culture.
B. Phallocentric is one.
A. Yeah! Right. Fuck dick shapes.
B. Yes! This one especially.
A. Not until you brush your teeth!
B. What does that have to do with my mushroom cellar!
A. Leverage! Also, no. Please don’t.
B. But Vonnegut did it.
A. If Vonnegut did it, would you take a flying fuck at a rolling donut?
B. I’d take a flying fuck at the moooooooon!
A. You would, wouldn’t you?
B. Oh man. I wish. What a lay!
A. I wonder…
B.
A.
B. The farthest away look in your eye. Moon far.
A. Why causality, though?
B. Heh?
A. How does us being such dickheads pop-cultureways lead to the end of cause and effect?
B. Hm. You came up with it. How does it? Do that
A. I guess it could be, over time, a break down in our notions of appropriate response.
B. Like how we were all rooting for Amy Winehouse and Anna Nicole Smith to kill themselves, but then, when they did, we didn’t demand credit. Not even partial!
A. Or how when some sadtimes high-visibility junkie shaves her head she is way more worth skewering than John Yoo.
B. John Who?
A. Exactly.
B. So… now what?
A. Now what what?
B. Well, now that effect doesn’t follow cause, what happens?
A. Hrm. First off, that question.
B. What about it?
A. It’s exactly wrong. If it’s the end of of cause and effect, then there can’t be an effect that follows. By definition there can’t be one.
B. Huh. I didn’t think of that. But, there’s still time, right? Something else will have to happen eventually?
A. …yes. I think.
B. I mean, it would be impossible to fake that there isn’t time, so
A. So.
B. So… we should at least pretend that there is.
A. No, I was playing along. I was trying to make it ambiguous.
B. I don’t think this is a good roleplay.
A. Yeah. It’s real tough. To not be causal.
B. Without just being arbitrary.
A. Capricious is a good word.
B. Yep. Like that.
A. No, it applies. Still though. If we lived without cause and effect we wouldn’t have to die.
B. Are you sure??
A. What would cause it?
B. It could just happen randomly. …but what would cause our being born in the first place?
A. … Storks.
B. Did they get excepted somehow?
A. Yeah. For being such sincere birds.
B. Really? I always assumed they were some of our more sarcastic ones.
A. Always? You always assumed that?
B. Well, no. I w
A. SHH! I think I hear a bear.
B. WHAT??
A. SHH!
B.
A.
B.
A.
B. Is it
A. *raise finger to lips*
B.Is it going to kill us?
A. I hope not.
B. What a dumb way to die that would be– mauled to death while arguing about how our culture will be the ‘death’ of us all.
A. And making up fake lives to live in which we don’t have to deal with ourselves.
B. Do you think we’ll reconsider our priorities if we survive this?
A. No. I’m pretty sure the science is against it. And also, our priorities are probably too bad to be redeemed.
B. Are you sure? From where I’m cowering having wet myself and also you
A. No!
B. Sorry. But from here it seems like we could very well be dead in an hour and we haven’t even created clones of each other to carry on our work for us. Or at least up-keep our genetic obligatories.
A. Ugh. The fact that that would be the only thing we haven’t done– since we haven’t really done all that much– does not speak well to the possibilities that life with causality allows us.
B. I think, right now, where I’m at, I can’t imagine the importance of ever exploring that. I just — I just want to always be inside you until I stop.
A. Frankly, I’m surprised it broke down this way. I’m more the practical one, and you’re more the  hasn’t brushed his teeth in 4 days for no good reason one.
B. I hear what you’re saying but don’t see how that is relevant to anything vis a vis me ruling you, in, you know, strictly speaking, a me-avoiding-deletion-from-the-book-of-existence-wise, of course.
A. Of course. Hm. Did you hear that?
B. Oh God. Hear what?
A. I think it’s gone.
B. Are you sure? How do you know?
A. HEY!! BEAR
B. Noooo
A. See.
B. You You could have killed us.
A. Yeah. Well.
B. Or. Fuck.
A. Oh that’s not an ok noise.
B. Do do we run?
A. It’ll catch us. They’re, way faster than we are.
B. It’ll catch one of us.
A. What?
B. Shh!
A. A second ago you were all about to make babies in me 24:7
B. 25:7– gonna make an extra hour to do so
A. So sore… but now you’re ready to let me die?
B. I mean, if *I* die then that’s it. I’m dead, and I won’t ever get to make more of me.
A. So I’m just an incubator away from being bear meat for you
B. Also genetic material.
A. Huh, yeah. No thanks.
B. I mean, it’s pretty flattering when you think about it– half of all mes will be yous, too. Also. Forever. Well, not half I guess– but in equal amounts!
A.
B. And probably not forever.
A. Shh! Oh god oh sh
B. Oh ffuuuuck Bolt the FLAP! BOLT the FLAP!!
A. OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
B. Get in the sleeping bag and stay still
A. It’ll
B. JUST GET IN
A. *swoosh*
B. FUUUCKKK YOUU BEAAAAR *rustle*
A.
B. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH God dammit.
A.
B. *rustle*
A.
B. Hey.
A.
B. Hey, it was just raccoons. Hey.
A. …oh. *swoosh*
B. Good news!
A. Hurray
B. Ehhhh , but also yay.
A. We did it, sort of.
B. Why didn’t you respond when I first said hey?
A. I needed to be still. The bear.
B. But, did you think the bear learned to talk?
A. It was a stress filled time.
B. Hey.
A. Hey.
B. So what do you say?
A. About incubating your geneticals?
B. Yeah. Well, ic optiona–
A. So that someday we can be old, have a too small house that is super-boring to a third generation of us, who, when we’re gone, will remember us with guilt at not having had at all any interest in being in our too-small house that was boring to them?
B. Exactly.
A. ?ic, optional?– oh. I got it. Cute.
B. So what do you say?
A. Ehhhhhrrrrrraaaa. I am feeling a real crushing finity to the number of options causality-based life is offering me right now so Why not.
B. That’s what I like to hear.
A. It’s not as if everything we do matters too much.
B. Now quick let’s get close, it’s starting to snow

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