How to be more like Tony Leung
Somewhere out there someone is leading a life that they would rather leave behind.
Why not follow exactly the footsteps of someone way better? This list is for them
% Be Super Foxy, Dapper
A real sleek look, but also classic. Clean lines.
% Be less flappable
As it stands I am totally flappable. While, bonus, (not really), my face betrays little to no affect, inside I am nothing if not flapped. Constantly. Like a Hummingbird. That Wilco song? It’s about me.
Tony Leung, on the other hand, even when sad or heartbroken or under pressure, is never flapped. As far as he knows, birds are magic, or practice a real complicated form of gliding.
% Build my dad a time machine so he can leave me at a young age
It’s always the way. All the best folks have parents who leave them, either by death (mothers) or being a piece of shit (fathers). If I build my dad a time machine he can go back in time and convince himself to leave me.
“It’s for the greater good,” he could say. “Having a dad is nice, but getting NC-17 with Maggie Cheung is sort of the whole point of getting raised in the first place. Until you can actually win the World Series by playing catch (in the world’s first game featuring 27 fly ball outs (to the same outfielder (who makes a record-breaking 15 diving, 12 leaping catches))), it’s best that you take off.”
“NC-17? It’s like X. No penetration but plenty of rubbing and general nudeness.”
“No. Not even partial release. At least not on screen, but yeah. I know.”
“Yeah, I know. But still. You have to imagine he is getting some real quality off stage as well. I mean.”
“Oh, wait a second. Gooshie is telling me that once the internet comes around, you should Dogpile a pic of Carina Lau.”
“Yeah. Pretty hot. He sounds very worked up. Ok, Gooshie. We get the point. Gooshie!”
“Anyways, off to foil the inhaler-based assassination attempt of the love interest of this universe’s Geraldo equivalent”
Alongside absent dads, shortness is a pretty great way to become famous. Whereas I have nothing to prove because my parents love me and I am exactly average height for a white American1, all these undesirable freaks have to go that extra mile to prove that eugenics still deserves its lousy reputation.
Yes. Their success and genius is some kind of defect. Believe that to keep from crying. Remind yourself of that as you reluctantly, emptily relent to sleep at night.
Tony Leung is short, is the thing. If they make lifts then certainly they (Big Shoes) could fashion me some drops. This may be a job for a Penn & Teller, or a David Copperfield. (Did they ever acquit him of running an island rapetorium? I feel like I heard that that ended up being not just not a thing, but sort of emphatically so…).
note: the trial was in Bellevue (what?), the suit was dismissed; previously the accuser had been charged with prostitution for allegedly extorting some other guy for sex money. I sort of wish I didn’t look this up because no matter how suspect the accuser seems, it’s always going to nag at me that that doesn’t mean he didn’t do it. If there was some way to eliminate that act from humanity. Maybe gather it all up and give it to the birds? Sorry, birds.
HOLY SHIT— he has 11 islands and they’re called “Musha Cay and the Islands of Copperfield Bay”! Why am I wasting my time on Tony Leung/you better not be fucking with me Wikipedia.
Also he is a French knight??
% Add last names
It’s not Tony Leung, but Tony Leung Chiu-wai. While I am ignorant enough of Chinese culture to not understand where these additional names come from / what they are for, I am also ignorant enough of the base standards of human conduct to make a ton of uninformed/insincere guesses:
– Grandparents? Simon Telec James Joe
– Hometown? Simon Telec New Ipswich
– Life Goals? Simon Telec Every Lady
– Poetical encapsulation of parents’ wishes/guesses for child’s personality? Simon Telec Moon Pie
– Favorite snack cake? Simon Telec Star Crunch
– Hidden in plain sight Achilles-style ultra-vulnerability? Simon Telec Crunk Foot
– Eventual method of death? Simon Telec Milkshake Contest
– Sweet advertising dollars? Simon Telec Hudson Hawk
– Political Statement? Simon Telec Assist ALL Suicides
– Prophecy? Simon Telec From Eurasian Steppes An Ink Black Rider
Must be condensed in Cantonese…
% Support more square massacres
While no one would question my commitment to decimation lines,2 my culpability in triangle shirtwaist fires,3 my celebration of circle jerk backfires,4 my consumption of octagonal brain damage themed body spray marketing opportunities,5 my commission of roundhouse shootings, and my fevered creation of literal blood baths (regular ol’ rectangular baths filled with blood),6 my support for square massacres is not as robust as it could be. WWTL(CW)D?
He would recognize what a pity it would be if people didn’t know just how crucial I found the maintenance of stability at any cost. That’s what peace and happiness means, right? Stability. Stability here being defined as a totalitarian state’s ability to operate free of any and all dissent and the right of the public to remain silent, bound, tortured, killed.
When a person does it they’re an unfathomable evil that needs to be monogrammed, cataloged, and divested from society. When a state does it they’re a number one trading partner slash fun vacation destination for the young and hip.
Cheap pirate DVDs, tho!
1. Tall, but not remarkably so, for a Hong Konger
2. Every time I feel my brain has betrayed me (failed to act fast enough, fallen asleep on the job, fed me the wrong line, reminded me of exactly what existence is like and how it will end), I line up ten of my memories, pick one, and have the other nine eviscerate the unlucky tenth. They are encouraged to use their utmost savagery; I want tiny incoherent non-contextual scraps/random images from it to stray my thoughts throughout the next few days. If it is insufficiently brutal I recall a new tenth memory, draw lots, and have them do it all over again. Technically it’s no longer decimation at that point, more 2/11-mation? Duoundecimation? But That’s What You Get For– I Forget What!
3. I invented the cartoon-style trompe l’oeil painted-on exit door
4. Who doesn’t love a good comeback?
5. As much as I appreciate violence, why couldn’t we have the Ultimate Fucking Championships instead? Also: what’s wrong with you people? Jesus Christ, what is even the point.
6. What do you think really happened to Dominic?
7. Baths are rectangular (shape); I fill them with blood. Why? I wanted for one moment in my wretched life to taste what it’s like to have a money bath and then remembered what flavor pennies are.