A. I’m out.
B. Out… where?
A. All out.
A. Things to say to you.
A. Just you though, not anyone else.
B. Well that answers my follow-up question…
B. No. I was probably going to let that sink in for a bit first.
A. It’s not me, it’s you.
B. I gathered.
A. And it’s not just that when I talk to everyone else there’s so much new territory, or old territory that I haven’t yet, with them, covered
A. No. It’s that, on any topic, covered or uncovered, they just have so much more to offer. They being everyone.
B. Quality or quantity?
A. Quantity and quality.
B. And this is true for everyone?
A. Almost everyone, yes.
B. Ok, but there are some exceptions then. I have more to offer you then at least one person on Earth.
A. ‘Sort of’ to the first part, ‘no’ to the second
B. What? Hold on
A. Well everyone technically includes you, and you’re
B. And I’m about on par with me…
A. Actually, I know it’s super paradoxical, but no. You’re somehow even worse than you.
B. Oh, c’mon. Really?
A. I don’t get it either! It doesn’t make any sense but it is still indisputably the case.
B. Wait. You only speak English though.
A. That’s true. I bet other languages have structures or tenses that can handle this.
B. That’s not what I meant.
A. What did you mean then? Being insulting isn’t going to somehow endear you to me; you’re not Don Rickles and this isn’t compelling
B. It’s not that. It’s– there are 5 or 6 billion people on the planet you don’t even speak the same language as. You’re telling me that my conversation can’t interest you more than at least one of those thousands of millions of people you can’t understand at all?
A. What could possibly be more fresh and engaging than trying to find or create a common basis for communication with someone with whom you don’t share a language with.
B. I… didn’t think of that.
A. You wouldn’t have. You never do.
A. Hey is for horse-faced simpletons. I’d say prove me wrong but, well, that and six months of evidence to the contrary nets you 183 less days to live.
A. Pitch. Perfect.
B. Ok, ok. I’m not as quick or sharp or clever as you, but what about children. You’re telling me every single child is going to give you a better conversation than me?
A. Are you kidding?
A. That wasn’t rhetorical.
B. No. No, I’m not kidding.
A. Kids are endlessly fascinating. They are tiny human aliens, new to our culture and ways of living, but also, still, exactly the same as us.
B. Sure. I mean, yes. In theory, technically. Sure.
B. But you’ve talked with kids before– it’s not all you’re cracking it up to be.
A. Not when they have to talk to you…
B. Bull Shit. I call bull shit. Some kids, sure– but all of them? No way.
A. ______. Have you ever seen yourself interact with kids?
B. In body? Yes.
A. No, outside of body. True perspective.
B. *sigh* No. Of course not.
A. You talk to them as if they’re adults.
B. Yes! Exactly! That’s what all kids want! I remember when I was–
A. No. It’s not.
B. No, no, no. You’re wrong on this. You’re–
A. No. I know. They do– they want to be treated like adults. But not really; not all the way. And
B. You’re wrong. Everything you’ve said: my boringness, how uninteresting I am, how boring it is to have a conversation with me– it’s all under a microscope n
A. AND, BEsides, the adult they want to be spoken to like is a regular fun adult, not an accountant.
B. Wait, what?
A. You Are Boring. You Talk To Kids Like You’re Grilling An Alive Actuarial Table. They Don’t Enjoy It, You Don’t Enjoy It; Nobody Wins.
B. I… I don’t think that’s true.
A. I’m sorry. But you are the worst with kids. Like, it would be better if you actively antagonized them rather than try to do whatever it is you think you’re doing.
B. No. No, kids hate that.
A. Actually, kids sort of like that.
B. No! I remember when adults would do that to me; nothing made me more infuriated. And exasperated. And ashamed.
A. Seriously. Do yourself a favor and just , step out of that dumb self of yours for two seconds.
B. That’s you solution for everything.
A. And? Last time I checked solutions still the number one desired outcome to problems.
B. I don’t see how this is going to accomplish
A. Just humor me.
B. Uch. Fine.
A. Good. If you need a refresher on h-
B. I .KNOW. how to step outside of myself.
A. Well, if you need any
B. I’m trying to concentrate. Shh
A. Seriously, I do this for a living
B. No. I almost , almost. I’ve
A. It shouldn’t be this much of an effort
B. Got it– GOT IT!
A. HEAR YOU. You’re the one who’s abstential, not me.
B. RIGHT. Right.
A. Now look at yourself.
B1. I’m looking
BA. Ok, even if I grant you kids– which I’m not ready to do– even if I grant you that, then surely not babies. Newborns, young infants: they can’t communicate at all
A. So cute though, right [STEREO]
B1. That’s sort of beside the point isn’t it?
BA. If you like that sort of thing I guess
A. But who wouldn’t like that? [STEREO]
B1. Oh, maybe people who like to have adult, two-way conversations like you supposedly do?
BA. Oh, maybe people who want to get more back for their troubles than ‘gaa’ or ‘mef’
A. Yet some of my favorite conversations have been completely one-sided [STEREO]
B1. That’s not fair, I’m not–
BA. So you admit I bring enough to the table to have given you some of your favorite conversations!
A. [singing] You’re so vain… [STEREO]
B1. Hey! Quit selling us out, AlsoMe
BA. That’s not a no
A. If you wan– [STEREO]
B1. Well it’s not much of a yes either– have some self-respect.
A. You can’t hear you. [STEREO]
BA. Listen, I know how I come off sometimes, but I genuinely make an effort
B1. Oh, great. Smooth move, Imodium AD. Now I’m gonna be conversing with myself.
A. See? Not even you want to hear you [STEREO]
BA. What? What is it I’m supposed to be hearing?
B1. Me. You need to hear me to figure out.
A. And you’re too busy responding your perception of my response to your response to your perception of your own self-loathing to know [STEREO]
A. Now, if you could just [STEREO]
B. You told me that I wasn’t worth talking to! [STEREO]
A. Well I’ll have to take your word on that.
A. I’m out.