Have You Heard The Good News About Clocks In Your Calculator???
They are the paper tape kind so you can check to see if every second really counts.
*scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll*
“I know I felt one.
Where is it, where…”
*scroll, scroll, scroll*
“Aha… there’s one!
Did you get that? Keith?
well the point is there wasn’t one”
Not earlier, not during that second…
~ You blinked
~ You stared mindlessly
~ You typed ‘ove y’*
~ You oversmelled fresh baked goods baking
~ It was the exact moment you swallowed your swallow (when something goes down the wrong pipe that’s why)
~ It was the exact moment you fell asleep (when you wake up baffled to be waking up that’s why)
~ It was the exact moment you remembered why you still do this (when you plod thru getting nothing from it that’s why)
~ You relived-your-entire-life-in-a-second, all of it, even the parts that you haven’t yet lived, you prelived those
~ You died, but instead you didn’t, and now never will
Good for you!
*“Yes, Lou– I get it. I ~k~n~o~w~ who you are”
“Well, Add It Up”
“You should have all the counts insystem by now–
uh-huh, ok, well
well Keith, I’m sorry, this afternoon you should have all the counts and then you can run it on your ‘mainframe,’ but trust me– this TI don’t lie.”
*there was also this between those lines, but louder the first time, now*
“Well mine is on TAPE– it’s real physical data — math you can touch — time you can trust with your eyes AND your fingers.”
*pretty loud now*
“Over the last sixty three years, Keith, we have miscounted away 7 hours 26 minutes and 31 seconds. Calculators proved that. And–
AND not just any calculator– Calcu, Keith
CALCULATORS WITH CLOCKS IN THEM, KEITH”
“That’s how we fucking know”
31 x 1 = 31
26 x 60 = 1560
2 x 60 x 60 = 7200
31 + 1560 + 7200 = 8791
8791 / 63 = ~139.54 (139.539683)
139.54 / 60 = 2.325666 repeating
(.325666 x 60 = ~19.54)
We lose approximately 2 minutes and 19 and 1/2 seconds per year
“Okay. Are you ready for this?
Please tell me you are ready for this.
I’d think by now we’d all be p*r*e*t*t*y ready!”
*applause, laughter (claphter)*
“You’re not ready, but I’ll start anyways– some one always has to:
We have catalogued each of the missing seconds and then: using a combination of their cutting-edge computers, their ultra high speed connections, their sophisticated beahvior modelling, our deep understanding of the human condition & the finest actors and writers we could find who would work scale, we re-created each missing second from the previous year.
Every single one of them. All 147.”
“AND the half.”
“It wasn’t easy. With 147 and 1/2 seconds to do, that’s less than 3 days we had to write, cast, design, set-up and shoot each second. And all this on sets where we were constantly fighting all the limitations and exigencies of real life as they unfolded in real time. A stage the size, shape, and relative demography of Earth — and a big thanks to Hau0x’gLkK for putting that together for us. We couldn’t–”
*standing round of applause*
“We Couldn’t Have Possibly Done All This Without Their Generous Help. From terraforming to terracrafting, Hau0x’glKK did it all — I hope I got that right. I’m pretty sure I felt the sun turn 60 apllx, am I right? Yeah. Yeah, It took a while, but.”
“But I think we’re really starting to get a >gnNnj< of this!”
“Ok, ok. Well I should open up the floor for questions now.
Please signal your question by rrstfp hyper-beacon
Yes, in the guava colored vest–”
“How do I think we did, well– pretty YyssskK good, if I say so myself”
*an internal rumble that rushes down to the very tip of every single nerve in your body and then pops– like, a crackle but also you are more alert for having experienced it*
“Ha, nothing can match that Hau0x’GlKk laugh, am I right folks?
But seriously though. We did run into some problems. And while I’d like to think we handled them very well, some seconds will likely come off as a tad… imperfect.”
*mumble mumble mumble*
“Some examples… ok, well:
There were 60 December seconds. That is one full minute lost in December of last year. And it was, you know, a regular December. A lot of snow, cold– real breath in the air winter stuff.
Well, the lopsidedness is one thing. That’s… killer enough. Since Winter pretty much starts in December, if you want to shoot winter you have to do it in January, February, maybe March. And obviously this one to three month turnaround is a tremendous strain on the writers. But generally we figured we could get it done and not have to shoot Fall-for-Winter. This, did not happen.
Right away we knew we’d have to plan to shoot at the very, very least 30 seconds Fall-for-Winter. Not the worst hurdle– you’d like to have the actual texture, but, well, you make do. But then, but then. But then we got one of the warmest winters on record.
Well. On Earth record. It was the only winter on Joro, so. Technically still the warmest, but also the coldest.
So we were only able to shoot 15 December seconds in the Winter.
And then the Fall… ”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bring us all down. But: between the miles of rain, and the near-constant 60 mph winds, and the reverse ladybugs, and the gradually increasing daylight, and their insatiable clouds of red-on-black wax-lust well, constantly flying, and swarming, and crawling. Uh,Ahemm. Let’s say we could all use a good ear-candling when we get back ‘home’.”
*heh, ehh, yeah*
So, yes– our December seconds will… well I’m afraid they are fairly compromised.”
*real thorough silence*
“Looking forward to next year– shooting for Season Two is going on schedule and the footage is looking great.”
*cheers, whistles, golf applause*
“And I’m happy to announce we can look forward at least one more year than that, as we have received the go-ahead for a Third Season, and a provisional green light for Seasons Four through Six of What You Missed!!”
*steadily building applause that crests in a joro-rattling rumble; a nervesnap with almost bowling over with kick*
“Yes. Yes. I know. Thank you, Hau0x’GLKk. We couldn’t have done it without you.”
*another nerve snap, but the bad kind, knocking everyone flat down, holding down for six seconds before picking up*
“Apologies, apologies. Hau0x’GLKK. It, I lost track of the sun. ‘Lost it in the lights’. Ha. Old Earth humor. So.
While it seems highly unlikely that this second season will run into problems quite so… catastrophically on-screen as last season’s Decembacle, there are some… issues that we’re still trying to figure out. Our EU did gangbusters. This might not sound like a bad thing, but it is superhard to convince an entire superstate to tank on your behalf. As they are stand-ins, they’ve been extra careful not to mess anything up. Since they recognize that each person in each constituent country is a fellow actor, a person with a job to do, and who is just playing their part, they’ve been extra understanding. Well EU doesn’t stand for Extra Understanding, does it?
“They’ve sincerely tried to work things out, lived their lives with a visitor’s politeness– been careful not to overlend or overborrow, charged easily repayable interest– because they know it’s not the real world, and that their neighbors act in good faith as a matter of course, because there is nothing to gain, . And because of that, the Greek, and Italian, and Spanish, and even Portugese debts have been paid either way down or completely off, well-well-well ahead of schedule. Which, of course, means that we are experiencing unacceptable levels They keep saying, “can’t we just pretend to be in trouble? We’re actors– it’s what you pay us to do!” And they have a point”
*boos mostly, scattered cheers*
“No, I mean, it is true: for many other things we do just fake it. Not as a policy, or course, but in trying to make fixes we do have to fudge some things, I’ll be the first to admit. So we’ve looked into it, and we came to the decision that starting with season three– TWIST– we will no longer be paying you as actors; you will be making your own wage per your role. The prop money you transact with in the course of your performance is real, and will be your source of income. Ditto the food, shelter, clothing– all of it!”
*weird artificial silence followed by tinny and incongruous applause*
“And not just on set, but in real life. Though, with any luck, the gap between the two will be pretty hard to notice. We’re going FULL METHOD!”
*no one is clapping and yet there is applause*
“Thank you. Thank you.”
*the applause disappeared, a jarring return to a true fidelity actual claps. A few of them*
“Well, I’d like to close with some good news from the ‘authentic participation’ front: though he was reluctant to partake in our Joro version– through an allied air campaign of regular bombing, some on-the-ground targeted spywork, and some really great, ruthlessly method performances by our rebels– able to covince our Qadaffi to show Earth’s Qadaffi’s true colors and join the Libyan Civil War. After a few weeks of insistent ‘cues’, our Qadaffi remembered his lines and began desperately tried to repress our people. His people, rather. Well, no, Our people, mostly. But trying to blow up European planes, besides constituting an act of war, is Classic Qadaffi!”
*mumbling, a few weak-hearted cheers*
“Again. Not perfect, not ideal, but the end result is some really great verisimilitude: yesterday our Qadaffi — having tried to flee from our NATO bombs and his rightful fate — was found hiding in a drainpipe. He was dragged out, paraded around town, before being shot and killed. And– here’s the good part– OUR rebel alliance ALSO beat and sodomized him before the shooting! Sure, it took a bit of prodding by our NATO higher ups, and Hau0x’glkK’s help was invaluable, but this is huge, you guys.
We’ve really created something special”
*all encompassing applause*
“Oh, and, obviously the faceeels continue to be an issue. *pulls three off* Let’s hope the people of Earth are as understanding as I remember them being.”
*all encompassing laughter*
“I mean what’s six, I mean thirty-three trillion between friends?”
We lose approximately 3,349 frames per year. That’s about 279 per month, or about 9 and 1/6th a day. 9+ frames each day slashed from our reel. No image, no exposure, no nothing.
What if we could get these frames back? And not only would we regain our lost shots, but we would have the ability to choose when and how they were spliced. Would you cut and scatter them throughout the year, populating your life with stray contrapuntal shots or (even shorter) Fight Club style easter eggs?
Would you construct them into a single, satisfying scene– take the full two plus minutes as vacation time and really add to what you have a satisfying capper, or an inspiring year-primer, or pace-changing chase scene?
Or, vainly plotting against death, would you save them all up your entire life and shoot for a double feature. 50 to 60 years of scraping would net you a 120 plus runtime payable on death. If you could choose between dying or getting to watch Memento and then dying, even if you don’t think it holds up after two viewings you’d still go Memento first. And this way you have an After Life of you own design.
(Apologies in advance/retreat/halt to Kore-eda for the bulk of this entry being pretty influenced by him)
How will you waste your 3,349 frames?
2,011 frames more Fall. Grey day, but crisp. No rain, not wet, nice wind. Leaves. Replete with fallsmell. Walk the streets and just enjoy it.
810 frames eating drunken noodle, sipping beer, Jup Jup Jup. Though the extra frames occur in the moment, are tacked on, it’s possible the context from which you experience them is from way later, so you’d be able to really savor it. Ideally. (Ideally = your awareness of the moment is not only from a post-moment context, but trans-yourself: a preternatural calm comes over you each time it happens, all excess sound drops off, and you entirely are). The noodles are delicious.
24 frames a snowflake on the hottest day of summer
24 frames a sunbeam on the dampest and most miserable day of Seattle (the season that happens b/w approx. Aug 21 – May 21)
24 frames a… spring , thing. Uh. Oh– eating a peep. (I like peeps).
111 frames before you have to break up. Just watching that face, but from your silent, perfect mindset. Usually you have to wait for perspective but, again: ideally. You can now have that cake and keep it. The Cake They Call Perspective. (What?)
[Note: it’s good to collect moments if you can; the cake helps, doy – Ed.]
111 frames writing, real sure of myself, on an all hot chocolate and bell pepper diet. Lost in it. Solving every problem.
111 frames of nothing in particular, just something regular. Not particularly nice, not particularly interesting. Probably walking to work. Or walking home from work. Or walking to return a video.
111 frames on the cusp of sleep. That part where you’re almost gone completely. It would be nice to see/feel what it’s actually like. Take a look around. How is it? Spacious, deep. It’s dark but the darkness is surprisingly not that dark? C#R#A#Z#Y#B#U#Z#Z
11 frames extra post-eye-contact-smile-exchange flutters. The nice kind, walking down the street.
1 frame just complete and utter nothing. Cut but don’t splice.