A. I’ve wasted my past relationships; this one will be different
B. Hi, my name is Ijustmetyou.
A. I just realized that. Just now. As I was sitting down.
B. Ok.
A. I mean, I knew I wasn’t happy. Hadn’t been since, gosh
B. Are you al
A. since before, probably.
B. right are you even
A. Since I started dating, since I started caring what members
B. listening to me
A. of the opposite sex thought yes I’m listening. I’m very caring that way.
B. What did I say then
A. You’re about to leave but you won’t leave
B. I didn’t say that.
A. C’mon. Body language. I’m listening to your hips and your eyes.
B. Am I sitting with a particularly abandoned posture?
A. Probably, I mean, aren’t you
B. Hey
A. This isn’t important – You’re right
B. Thanks?
A. I mean, two minutes and I’m already digging myself a ditch on this one
B. Again, I think it’s a bit quick to count this a relationship
A. But if in the future, then
B. … then what?
A. Then I’ll be working from a deficit to begin with
B. Nah. Sunk costs, and it’s pre-agreement– write it off on last relationship’s ledger
A. on what now?
B. As far as we’re concerned this is still the 4th quarter of your last relationship, the new frisk-al year has yet to start
A. Hm. I am intrigued by your premise, and charmed, if not impressed, by your portmanteau.
B. It wasn’t the best
A. But: on what basis can I make this extraordinary claim?
B. I mean, mentally– you’re still processing the paperwork from your last relationship. And it’s that previous failed relationship’s fault that you haven’t made the most of this one so far tonight
A. Because I’m trying to fix that old relationship by righting all its wrongs on this completely separate person. I mean, flesh ledger? Yes, you’re right.
B. Well, now that we’re on agreed metaphorical terms, let me audit that body and do your fuck taxes.
A. Mm. What would that entail?
B. … doing it, mostly.
A. Sure, sure. But, give me some of the parallels, the process–
B. Eh, well… you got me
A. Didn’t think that far ahead?
B. I mean, normally I’m not so, but it just seemed
A. I don’t mind. And it DID just seem
B. I’d like to go down on you. Could that be, uh. Oral. Testimony. In, money jail?
A. Eesh.
B. Yeah. Yikes. Um. *tongue click*
A. Well, if you found a friend: double-entry bookkeeping
B. Really?
A. No.
B. What about…
A. Probably not.
B. Oh.
A. No. Try again.
B. Should I bother?
A. Maybe it will work this time
B. Really?
A. Probably not
B. But still try
A. We’re here aren’t we?
B. True.
A. We’re here and we’re alive and alone. AND alone.
B. Nm.
A. Aren’t we?
B. Yeah. Yeah, we are.
A. Well, as long as that’s the case we have to keep trying.
B. Right, no. You’re right. Yeah.
A. Yeah. So?
B. Well, did you come up with one?
A. I already did double-entry bookkeeping.
B. But that was a fake out
A. Sure, but it was a pretty high quality fake-out.
B. Come on.
A. Ok, ok. Gotta keep trying.
B. Exactly.
A. Ok. You come up with your good one and I’ll come up with mine.
B. Ok. Ok.
A. Ok.
B. Ok.
A. Ok
B. Ok. Here it
A. Ok.
B. O
A. Balance… my books, but… balance
B. Spread sheet, spread
A. Spread me out across the sheets
B. Twelve sheets, spread you all over them
A. Doesn’t make sense, but
B. Yeah
A. the sheet thing is promising, but, I mean, more than one sheet?
B. No, yeah, I. I, uh. Quicken! Quicken…
A. Yyyeah. Except. Fast isn’t good. Fast is
B. bad. Right, right.
A. I don’t actually know anything about acc-
B. Let me handle your assets and I guarantee increased gash flow
B. I’ll be your fiduciary?
A. I guess we’re even now.
B. No, I’m probably in the hole.
A. Pfft. You wish.




A. I’ve wasted my past relationships; I don’t care tho
B. Why not?
A. I’ve been trying to figure that out myself
B. Is it because, finally, all that wasted time has paid off now that you’re, finally, here with me?
A. No.
B. Now don’t be so hasty– th
A. No.
B. The future is a strange plac
A. Nope.
B. A strange place we haven’t been yet.
B. Not even a little part of you
A. I mean, I don’t really know you yet, but: No.
B. Not cool.
A. Anyways.
B. Meh-mee-mays
A. … really?
B. Better believe it.
A. Ugh.
B. Let’s start over.
A. No, we can j-
B. Vwwwoooooooo oooo-oooo-oop p-pa-p-pa-p-pa vwerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
A. ust,ok. What , is , ha-
B. wwrwrrrrraaow– wrrrrao  aaaaooogh ghhhh – chu chu chu chuchuchuchu
A. Jesus Christ, you seemed
B. pppppPttchaaaah


B. On a scale of 102 to 123, how excited are you to be here with me?
A. 112. Wait. What’s the scale? … and where am I
B. You’re >here< with >me<; the range of acceptable weights women can be.


A. Hi
B. Hey
A. Are you…?
B. Yeah, yeah. And you must be
A. Yep. That’s me.
B. Well then– it’s agreed.
A. …what’s agreed?
B. Well, that we’r
A. We are who we didn’t say we are?
B. Yes. I couldn’t have not said it better myself.
A. But… I did say it.
B. Sure, but I didn’t
A. *air math*
B. Aw. Please don’t double-check my grammathematics.
A. It  checks out, sort of. But you have to be weirdly really complimenting yourself on the good job you did doing nothing.
B. Fair enough.
A. Are you sure you want to make that first impression?
B. Well, it’s the only one I’ve got. Unless you want to see my Fire Marshall Bill?
A. Yes. Please. Very much so.
B. Huh. Well. That’s the first time anybody has responded that way to that in…
A. It’s no longer the early-to-mid 90s– it’s been a while. I don’t know how often you offer–
B. Not that offtern.
A. –But. By now I think that, for anyone who remembers him, seeing him one more time would be a great comfort
B. You’re talking as if Bill was a real person who passed and is gone, and not a weird, once-ubiquitous alive puppet show Jim Carrey did
A. Well, there’s no doubt he would have passed by now.
B. I don’t know, he seemed pretty invulnerable
A. But it adds up. All of the
B. also pretend.
B. I’m sorry.
A. If we’re already playing Fake Ghost, why bother?
B. I’m sorry
A. I really felt like this was going somewhere– somewhere dumb, sure, but still
B. I’m sorry. Here, let me– Let Me Show You Something
*pulls out lighter, breaks stemware, soaks the tablecloth with white wine, bits of glass*

*sets down the lighter and, absent-minded magician, makes to pull out the tablecloth*


A. This time is different.
A. I’ve wasted my other relationships.
A. Spent the past not trying, or trying too hard; being unkind, or being too
B. Too kind
A. Too soft. Too easy.
A. But I’m in a good place right now. Have the right mindset, I think. I’d like to think.
A. And I know what I want and what I don’t want, and what I can accept and what I can’t accept.
A. And I know , I have — I know what I have to offer.
A. I’m confident in that.
B. You sure
A. Yes. Positive. Absolutely.
A. I’ve got a lot to offer
A. Don’t interrupt.
A. I’ve got a lot to offer and a lot of people would like to take me up.
A. On the stuff I’ve got to offer.
A. My skin is as good as it has ever been.
A. And my hair, it’s finally settled. I’ve finally figured out how best not to fight it’s natural inclinations.
A. And I’m — we’re all– the better for it.
A. Ok, that might be an exaggeration. No one is not starving because I’ve reconciled myself to frizz.
A. It looks good; I like it.
B. You sure
A. Yes. Absolutely. It works for me.
A. I’m talented.
A. At it.
A. I’ve been told; I’ve observed; no one has Ever complained.
A. I’ve received compliments, but, obviously, those are somewhat suspect.
A. It’s not that I don’t accept them– I just said I’m real good– it’s just. You know. Context.
A. I know I’m good and that’s enough.
A. I’m a natural storyteller. It was born out of lies, sure, but the lies are behind me now.
A. I no longer bare false witness. Bear false witness? Witness false bears.
A. Bare false titness– clever.
A. It would be good for a Kevin Smith movie.
A. And I have that going for me, too.
A. But, like I said, spinning yarns from now on for good and not evil.
A. And singing.
A. My voice isn’t perfect but it is genuine and heartfelt and, at least, never cracks.
A. They might not be the deepest or belt biggest notes, but all the notes are there.
A. And who doesn’t love to hear someone sing.
A. This time I’ll sing more.
A. I didn’t do that enough.
B. Too kind
A. When you share everyone gets fed.
A. When you share you learn things, experience things you might not have if you kept your self to yourself.
A. I’m ready to share my self. And I have a lot of self to share. Self worth sharing.
A. I’m ready to share your self. I’m ready to learn about you, and keep figuring you out.
A. I’m ready to , I’m ready for something.
A. Where was I? What? How will it be different…
A. When I kiss now I’ll be careful to observe each lip molecule dissolve and re-merge, bond
A. Not every single kiss– no, yes every single kiss
A. It won’t slow things down, each kiss won’t become a ponderous
A. Just I’ll be aware and appreciative of the act of this happening
A. What it took to get here: how each one is the sum of our dumb cluster of motivations and circumstances and
A. The time off, too. The time between the times.
A. I’ll remember it and keep it holy.
A. Not just relationship things, every things.
A. Venn diagrams weren’t lying. It’s all important.
A. And I’ll , I’ll keep mindful to have a better attitude in general
A. When you look back and think about , or even now , in every day life
A. When you look back and think about how dumb it was to have been so disappointed in things
A. Or to have chosen to let yourself stay mad, or even just not open, not
A. To have wasted opportunities to have been content in order to prepare to be miserable
A. Remember contentedness?
A. I’ll remember it and keep it holy.
A. I know. I like it.
A. It’s a good turn of phrase.
A. Like, well. Sleeping.
A. Focusing on a limb that sticks in your side or falls asleep underneath instead of
A. And sleeping too quickly.
A. Not letting it happen– going after it.
A. Sleep will always be there, probably. I think.
A. But how much shared complete and darkness do I have left?
A. Even if or when you get married– it probably stops being so dark after a while.
A. Every relationship ends, probably, I bet; at some point each thing stops being some thing.
A. It doesn’t have to be an effort– just an aspect, just an observation
A. Not watching it burn to the embers but warming my hands and lips over the slowly approaching and smoldering pit
A. Letting my lungs fill slowly, but sweetly, with smoke
A. But in a good way?


A. I’ve wasted my past relationships; this one will be different.
B. Ok. What’s the pitch?
A. Hm?
B. How’s it going to be different.
A. Oh. It, will.
B. Ok.
A. I’m g– it won’t.
B. Ok.
A. Wanna ditch out and go build a bed fort instead?
B. Sure.
A. Awesome.
B. … we’re gonna d-
A. Yes.
B. Perfect.
A. Hope so.


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