Re-Write the World

Re-Write the World

Start over-parenting the child you’ll never have

Why does the TSA want me to take off my shoes?

They know what is best for you. Feet swell. Whether from walking or running, jobbing or being jobbed– prolonged sitting, especially– feet get all bloodfull and swole. By having you take off your shoes before you can even get to your gate, the TSA is helping you remember that your shoes are a man-made constraint, and not, as they are for say Sonic the Hedgehog, or Bo Jackson, a permanent fixture you can never remove at risk of being erased from existence. Bo may know sports, but he does not know shoe endorsement contracts. There’s other people out there Bo, and all we want to do is help. No one has to do everything alone. Not even Tecmo Bo could have ran a figurative (and in future installments, literal) train over every defense without Jeff Hostetler(?) to hand him the ball.

Also: finger exercise promotes heart health, nimbleness. We don’t want you mishurdling candlesticks, do we? [Sure, you’re quick, but, I mean]
Also also: it was Jay Schroeder, not Jeff Hostetler. Yeesh.

When will the sky stop?

When it’s good and ready. No. Rowling, rowling. Depends on how you mean. The sky only goes a couple miles up all around the Earth, after which

But, as far as an ending goes, June 24th 2112. Don’t worry– by that time you’ll be either dead or thoroughly lived-out enough to be indistinguishable from it. I mean, since we know when it’s happening, we do have ample time to come up with fixes of one kind or another. Not actual fixes– the sky is most certainly ending on June 24th, 2112– but best-case alternatives like, say, implanting some kind of breathers in our trachea so we don’t need to rely on the vacuum of space for our oxygen needs. The breathers will use stored oxygen, which will need to be resupplied regularly. But thanks to technology instead of relying on multiple heavy/bulky tanks per day, we’ll find a way to condense a day’s supply into bullet sized capsules, which we will load a week at a time into our airclips. The airclips will snap fast into the base of our spines; once in, they’ll be barely noticeable, but horrifically painful each time they’re up-clicked. Make sure you load your clip correctly or you’ll have to do it again, and the human mind + body isn’t prepared to handle this kind of pain more than once every three or four days.

Why the base of the spine? The sternum seems like it would make more sense and probably be less painful? For protection from Heartclutchers, honey. We can’t have those godless spacebirds taking all our oxygen as well as a pint of blood each time they breach our increasingly patchwork confidence vests.

I never thought I’d think it but you kids do say the darndest things on occasion *condescending back pat*.

What is fire?

Fire is what happens when you heat something up enough so that it releases its stored energy *upwards intonation*

No, what is the flames though.

FIre. Right?

But why are they flame-shaped

Oh. Right. Yeah. That’s a good question. Flames are like that because they never had a daddy.


Yes, they never had a daddy and now they only want to be cool. Well, hot. And what’s neater than flames? Even Doctor House has them on his cane. And when a viking dies, how do you think they send him to forever? They shoot flames into his wooden corpsemobile until it is nothing. And what’s cooler than vikings? Flames. That’s what.

That feels like a tautology

You feel like a tautology. And it doesn’t feel like you, ergo…

Come ON

Ok, ok. Flames are angry ghosts from parallel dimensions. No, wait– happy ghosts. In other dimensions they present as all mood whispers and neck shivers, but their ghostbodies show up in this dimension as flames. Vice versa with all our dumb ghosts. Happy ghosts, rather. And that’s where they live– logs and dry grass and lighters and bunsen burners and such. They like tubes. All ghosts just want a sweet tube to settle down inside of — one long dormant and never to be disturbed again. Except ghosts don’t know what they want, which is why they’re so happy when you find them, unleashing skin prickles and sweet unsolicited shivers in their verse of origin.

But here– here, in the chorus– flames.

But why do leaves change color?

Leaves change color because they need to attract planes. Just like flowers are selectively pressured over time to become attractive to bees and other pollen-spreading animals [note: are there any other pollen-spreading animals? Do hummingbirds do it or are they too clever and just sip the nectar. Seems long-term foolish if they do AND is there a human equivalent of the bee to flower fuckbuddy relationship? Like a wingman but moreso; real hands-on and for both. Maybe a fertilization doctor. Do you think all fertilization specialists, during their late-nights multis-year post-graduate educations get matching hummingbird tattoos? Tramp stump or stitched to the chest, right over the heart, embroidered. Or where the embryos would be (if they don’t have embryos). Did I say embryos? I meant ovaries. I’m not that ignorant. I hope. (Seriously, though– hummingbirds?).

I’m sorry. What were we talking about?

What about bike tires?

What about ’em?

Why are some so thin but some all thick and prickly?

Bike tires, like people, are sometimes fat pieces of shit and should be treated as such. Next time you see a Huffy, you tell it. Tell it to it’s stupid, rubber face what a big fat asshole it’s being. The prickles are from where its body is rebelling against it and trying to create even more of itself. Mark my word, you go back there in two weeks and those prickles will be replaced with more tire. You MARK my words. WRITE THEM DOWN.


Hey. HEY. You stop crying or I’ll give you something. Like, a lollipop maybe.


Sure. That’s doable.

I want grape AND watermelon

No. You have to choose one.



NO! Watermelon

Just under the wire.

How does walking work?

One foot then the other. Repeat until finished.


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